I must make this admission: I am lazy lover. I apply no energy whatsoever to creating a love life. Why any man would seek my company at this juncture in my life is a complete mystery to me. I lack all desire to be receptive to a man’s advances and give no hint of interest.  My attitude of laziness is compounded beyond its formal definition, as I have neither  guilt nor remorse for my current state of affairs.

I wasn’t always this lazy. There was a time in my life when I craved a loving relationship. I loved being in love, and I loved with unbridled passion. Broken furniture, lamps toppled on the nightstand and a mattress half resting on the floor were a normal part of romantic expression. Now, I find myself incapable of supplying the most minimal appearance of interest in a prospective mate’s attention. Making an attempt to be responsive to romantic partnership is far too grand an expenditure of my energy. What happened to the woman who light-heartedly broke a fine hand-crafted Italian dining chair and tore a window treatment from its fixture in the heat of passion with my boyfriend?

Once upon a time I knew the thrill of unbridled passion. When in love, I gave no thought to the aftermath of my home furnishings. I was patient in combing the knots out of my hair after two days of bliss. I was content to walk in public wearing the revealing smile of one who’d been supremely satisfied. My unfinished books waited silently upon my desk without my conscience calling for return.

Now I prefer the solitude of my own company, politely declining advances from any and all prospective partners that seek to lure me from this private paradise of current existence. I thrill over the prospect of watching a Netflix movie alone rather than yearning for the taste of a lover’s kiss. The woman who was part wild beast and part observer of this tendency toward love’s expression has now become a tame, docile bystander to the world of romantic interludes. How and why did this radical shift occur? Was it the aftermath of too many tears and too much confusion in the pursuit of love? Was it the meticulous cleaning required of the rooms in ruin after a night’s pleasure? Was it the eventual realization that I am at heart a serial monogamist and another bus (and another man) is always on  schedule for an upcoming arrival?

I silently delight in the days and months I’ve spent enjoying the solitude of my own company. I luxuriate in the immense joy I’ve experienced in this phase of my life; the inner reward of creative work accomplished, the clarity of my thoughts, and the knowledge that my time is my own to enjoy as I please.

I’m certain this current attitude is a necessary phase. Perhaps it’s the realization that partnership is not the only means by which to experience love. To love oneself without the need of “another” to ignite that flame, is to own a love that is eternal.

Life has its own wisdom. The paths we chose to take hold their own unique brilliance, as each journey illuminates a greater learning we must gain in the quest of our own oneness. Each phase has its value in leading us to our next understanding. To love completely, we may be called to enter a time of solitude. The gift within this choice is to reemerge with a greater love to share when in unity with another.

There will be a time I will love again. There will be the joy of communion with another heart and soul. I may choose to preserve my furnishings or not… I don’t know the manner in which I will express my love in that regard. But I do know this. I’ve had the time to invest in myself. Whatever I had to offer in the past is far less than I have to offer now. Loving the life I have, loving the person I’ve become, and being content with who I am is a gift I was never fully able to share. Knowing I can only bring to my partner what I do possess, this is the gift I look forward to giving.

by Charlotte Muir

When a genuine friendship turns to lust, should you follow your head or your heart?

Let’s face it, we’ve all fallen victim to the typical ‘friend crush,’ that one person, who, even though you know you shouldn’t, you can’t help but have the serious hots for. Playful flirting and late night texts, it all sounds innocent enough, but what happens when the footsie under the table gets serious and feelings start to get in the way of your friendship?

Chances are there has always been an underlying spark in your friendship. That odd flicker of lust that you’ve been gently ignoring in the hope that Prince Charming will soon arrive to sweep you off your feet. But what if Mr Right doesn’t show up on your doorstep with flowers and champagne? And what if you realise that your perfect match is in fact already in your life?

We aren’t suggesting that you do a Mila Kunis and Justin Timberlake on us and try the friend with benefit approach, we all know that these end in a broken heart, a box of tissues and a family size bar of chocolate. And it’s probably not wise to suddenly announce your undying love and turn all bunny boiler-esque on him. You need to decide what you want from this tricky friend/ potential lover situation and stick to it.

“Speaking up and owning your truth is the hallmark of an empowered woman,” says Susan Winter, relationship expert and author of Older Women, Younger Men. “Courage and conviction show you know yourself and have the internal strength to stand up for what you want and speak your mind, without fear. If your friendship is based on mutual respect for each others feelings and there is an open and comfortable ability for communication, then you have nothing to lose and everything to gain.”

Taking a friendship to the next level will of course involve risks. The danger that the other person won’t feel the same and the possibility that if you do try to move things on it won’t work, might put you off admitting your feelings to him. But remember, great relationships require vulnerability, if the relationship has any chance of working then it has to be a risk worth taking.

Ella Wilson a fashion graduate from Devon has been with boyfriend Ben for three years. Friends since primary school, a relationship was the last thing on either of their minds.

“Mine and Ben’s parents have been close friends since we were youngsters so we practically grew up in each others pockets,” begins Ella. “We would have sleepovers, go on bike rides, walk to school and tell each other secrets, typical best friend behaviour.”

It wasn’t until her late teens and a sudden move to University, that Ella’s feelings towards Ben began to develop into something more than just friendship. “When I moved away from home the contact between me and Ben had trickled down to the odd catch up call and the standard ‘happy birthday’ message on Facebook. Even though we didn’t speak much, I always knew that he’d be there for me if I needed him,” continues Ella.“When I returned home from University for the summer we spent lots of time catching up, it was like we were 12 years old and inseparable again. The more time I spent with Ben the more intense things became, and I started to get butterflies in my stomach every time I was around him. The problem was of course telling him how I felt. I wasn’t entirely sure if he felt the same way and the last thing I wanted to do was make a laughing stock of myself and lose my best friend in the process.”

22-year-old Ella finally took the plunge and confronted Ben about her feelings. “I realised that I couldn’t go on like this, if Ben did feel the same way then we were both wasting valuable time.”

“At first Ben was a bit overwhelmed with the confession, but after hours of revelations, we both admitted our feelings for one another and decided to give things a go between us. That was three years ago, and it was probably the greatest decision I have ever made. We have our ups and downs, everyone does, but our relationship has proven that there really is such a thing as being a best friend and a lover. I couldn’t ask for a better boyfriend.”

Ella’s relationship may prove that turning a friendship into something new can work, but remember, every situation is different and they don’t always end in a bunch of flowers, a box of chocolates and cuddles in bed. Sometimes, no matter how much you want something, it’s just not meant to be. Does that ‘like’ seriously have the potential to turn into love?

“Whatever you decide, remember to be strong,” believes Susan. “You have many friends. Losing one man, whom you’d rather have as a lover, isn’t a loss at all. It’s a clarification. On to the next. You want what you want. If it’s love, then you should create a possibility for love to flourish. You have your girlfriends and you have a life. One man less is of no consequence.”

If your friendship is as important as you say it is then there’s nothing stopping you both from working things out. Talking is the way forward, and if he’s not prepared to talk then he’s not worth your heartache.

www.youtube.com/watch?v=mOzEBqUtWt4

Tune into Love Online Radio this Monday to hear from the founder and president of Cougarlife.com. In less than three years Claudia Opdenkelder has over  3 million devoted subscribers. Specializing in pairing Cougars with “Cubs,” Claudia explains; why sex better with an older woman, why younger men crave powerful women who know what they want, and the benefits of this type of age-varied partnering. Claudia is married to a man 14 years younger and their relationship is flourishing.

Why would anyone pay a matchmaker 5-6 figures to meet the love of their life? Because they want the best-of-the-best. They want a committed professional who will make their romantic goals a top priority, and want to be connected to only the highest calibre of potential prospects.

As of Monday, you don’t have to pay a fortune to learn the secrets of elite matchmaker Janice Spindel. Just tune into Love Online Radio at 11am. Call in with your questions. 866-404-6519. Find out why Janis has over 1000 marriages to her credit. Discover what it takes to position yourself properly to attract the partner of your dreams. What are the common mistakes we all make that negate our power, and allure? What’s the best mental attitude by which to approach dating? From inner attitude to outer vibe, learn the how to get the love you desire with this exceptional expert at Love Online Radio at Toginet.com

“Is it wise to have friendship bud into romance?” This was the question I was recently asked by a journalist at COSMO MAGAZINE(UK). One has to question the nature of term the “friendship” in order to answer this question properly. Is this person a true friend with whom we share our time and confidence— then one day see them in a completely different light? This type of scenario is rare, given my research. Certainly, love has blossomed in the case of co-workers and associates from other on-going activities, but I know of few cases where true friends suddenly awakened to this greater possibility.

When two individuals begin innocently as friends and suddenly develop feelings, chances are that there has always been an underlying spark. If you find that spark, there’s no reason not to move into romantic expression. The category of friend is sometimes a “holding pen.” It’s a place to discover the depth of connection before making a leap into romance. From this position, time and exposure has allowed you both to get to know each other. A true bond has been established. That is beautiful. It creates a solid foundation from which to have a dynamic relationship. The pro’s are obvious, as this is great person with whom you enjoy spending time. Love is always worth the risk. If, for some reason it doesn’t work out, this foundation should also allow you both to weather that storm. Mutual admiration and appreciation of each other heightens communication, and that is something that provides security in each phase of transit.

The term “friend” is nowadays used for anyone we know. How many people do we call friends on Facebook? Perhaps this friend is someone who’s currently romantically involved with another person. In that case, they are only someone with whom we are acquainted. The more accurate term would be that of “prospective lover.” This is a painful type of friendship to maintain for the one who desires more, yet has not been granted the opportunity. To linger in the hopes of an ‘opening’ is to witness love from afar, awaiting one’s turn.

The term ”friend” can also be applied to someone who moderately fits the bill, but something’s missing. They may be attractive and available. But we can’t quite see the out-picturing of this relationship in our minds. Intuitively, we know they wouldn’t make the best choice for heightened sexuality or a long-lasting involvement. While there is an attraction, it lacks passion. This friend may be a good fit in the short run, yet that “essential something” is missing.

Human beings are innately wise. We instinctively know who is on our romantic radar, and who is not. If we’ve put someone in the “friend box,” there is good reason. Otherwise, we would move straight into romance. Acknowledging that fact, we would most likely have limited long-term success in romance with this ‘someone’ we call our friend.

What about the case of a really hot friend? There is another category for this type of connection. It’s usually called a “special friend.” When friendship holds physical attraction and is based on mutual respect for each others feelings, romance can be a viable form of expression. But it would be wise to establish an understanding that one or the other partner may “opt-out” if of a more suitable candidate comes along. The boundaries between love and friendship are tricky, but do-able. I’ve seen many cases where the “special friend” is a functional option.

It’s important to keep one thing in mind with a “special friend.” This friend may meet someone new, date others, or notice and flirt with others in your presence. If you have the type of disposition that can handle those possibilities, then this may be partnership model you care to explore.

Sex always activates human emotions. The on-going closeness with this sexy friend can feel like a traditional relationship, or seem consistent enough that the lines may become blurred for one or both. It’s wise to have a conversation as to expectations, and on how you both intend to handle social events. There’s nothing wrong with stating your parameters. This type of connection should be comfortable enough so that neither of you would ever want to hurt the other unnecessarily. And, you both need to be clear on how this “special friendship” is going to play out in the real world, and what boundaries you both envision.

Sex with a kind-hearted attractive friend isn’t unwise… it can be mutually enjoyable in the “in between times.” Both partners just need to remember that having begun this affair from the “friend” category already implies it isn’t their first choice, or their most highly desired choice. If the sexual component can be managed while retaining on-going connection in extended social situations, it can be an enjoyable form of expression.

When we hear the term Polyamory, most people imagine an open format for sex with anyone, and everyone. What’s the real deal with this love-style choice? Layers of misconception (and therefore judgement) surround this topic. The reality of what Polyamory is, and isn’t will blow your mind and shatter any former perceptions you held. Learn the truth from our guest experts at Open Love New York.

http://toginet.com/shows/loveonlineradio.

http://toginet.com/shows/loveonlineradio. 

Painful break-ups, betrayals, and the loss of love isn’t what it “appears to be.” Today’s guest, John Castagnini explained the importance of perspective when evaluating our “story” of “what happened.”

John has written a book called “Thank God I….” His intention is to release the burden of our limited perspective around the event that has occurred. Imagine…if in the moment of your greatest pain and confusion you could find the pivotal thing, the message, the understanding, of what this person brought to your life? How much less would your suffering be? How much more energy and focus would you possess?

In the act of replaying the story of our hurt and pain through the lens of complete vision, we can look for the gift and blessing in every romantic encounter. We can ask ourselves what this experience brought to us that is far greater than the person who was the catalyst for that occurrence. In that simple act, we begin to see the whole picture. Both dark and light, we experienced a part of ourselves that we would have never known if it weren’t for this individual stepping into our lives.

In love, there is often loss. It’s only a matter of perspective that shapes our story as to the outcome of those facts.

http://toginet.com/shows/loveonlineradio

Suffering from a bad break-up? Do you feel powerless, angry and hurt over a relationship that has ended? Are you in the grips of the overwhelming emotions that accompany a divorce?

No matter what has happened and how bad it feels right now, there is a way to turn the worst situation into your greatest blessing. There is an answer as to “why this has happened” and there is a benefit to the event you are now experiencing.

Host Laura Banks and I will be interviewing two dynamic guests who have very specific answers to these questions, and techniques by which to liberate yourself from the pain and confusion of what “appears” as loss.

John Castagnini is a speaker, author, entrepreneur and presenter whose original and often iconoclastic thinking has put him at the cutting edge of the personal development industry. He is the founder and creator of the Thank God I…® book series, seminars, and online community. John teaches a method of experiencing the “actuality” that transcends our emotional “realities,” through his technique of calibrating opposite emotions to the point of Perfection. He shares how to overcome, honor and transcend ANY life challenge.http://www.thankgodi.com

Seth Lefferts is a lifestyle coach, author, and speaker. To assist you in your  emotional realignment, Seth will balance your journey with information on health and wellness. He is the author of “Living for the health of it” and lectures as “The Good Vibrations Guy.” www.sethlefferts.com.

http://www.damemagazine.com/2012/04/10/dating-younger-man-rules

The assumption that a younger man will inevitably cheat on an older woman is part of the historic nonsense by which women are made to feel fearful, valueless and undesirable. - Susan Winter in Features

Dating a Younger Man: The Rules

Maggie Flynn

Apr 10, 2012

Mariah Carey, 42, has had twins with Nick Cannon–that’s a 10-year age gap. J-Lo, 42, is dating a 24 year old–that’s 18 years. But top of the tree, as ever, is Madonna, 53, who is at least considering a marriage proposal from her 24-year-old boyfriend, Brahim Zaibat. But no one raises an eyebrow at a 29-year age gap any more. We live in the age of the Cougar. There’s Cougar Town on television and dating sites like CougarLife.com. And it’s not just for celebrities-according to a 2008 AARP poll, almost one-third of women between the ages of 40 and 69 date men who are 10 or more years younger.

But how do you make a cougar relationship work? What will Madonna have to do to make sure her relationship lasts longer than W.E. did at the box office? We asked dating expert Susan Winter, co-author of Older Women, Younger Men, for some advice.

Don’t Assume He’s Going To Cheat. “The assumption that a younger man will inevitably cheat on an older woman is part of the historic nonsense by which women are made to feel fearful, valueless and undesirable,” she says.

It doesn’t seem that way, admittedly. Judging from US Weekly, infidelity is by far the biggest issue cougars face. Look at Halle Berry and Eva Longoria, who ended their relationships when their younger men allegedly strayed with younger women. Then there was Ashton Kutcher who stepped out with a 23-year-old, leading Demi Moore into a whippet-induced 911 scandal.

But these stories skew the picture, says Winter. “In the hundreds of cases I’ve researched, the couples I know and with whom I’ve worked, there is love and fidelity,” she says.

“As women mature, they can more fully enjoy the complete scope of their sexual expression. Meanwhile, the younger man is still in a stage of robust sexuality and more apt to explore his desires with a currently open and willing partner. These two factors create a powerful chemistry between the two.”

Besides, these younger men usually have little reason to stray. “As women mature, they can more fully enjoy the complete scope of their sexual expression. Meanwhile, the younger man is still in a stage of robust sexuality and more apt to explore his desires with a currently open and willing partner. These two factors create a powerful chemistry between the two.”

Watch Your Insecurities. It doesn’t help that women have been wired for centuries to equate their worth with youth and beauty. But fall victim to that stuff at your peril. “It is often the limiting thoughts a woman has absorbed that can create problems for the couple,” says Winter. “If she is fearful, insecure and doubting her merit, she will never be able to accept that her younger man loves her.” Winter adds that media reports about Demi Moore’s obsession with looking young are “the perfect example of how the ideal of youth and beauty can torture even the most lovely example of a modern-day woman.”

The idea that one must maintain an illusion of youth to keep a younger partner is illogical. “The younger man knows she’s older,” says Winter. “It’s an up-front buy that he’s willing to accept, because he values the totality of who she is and what she brings to his life.”

Talk about family planning. Insecurity and infidelity are juicier issues, for sure, but the most common reason older women’s relationships with younger men end is more prosaic. “Children are the deal-breaker,” says Winter. “That’s usually what it comes down to.”

The most common disagreements arise when the younger man wants a child, and the older woman is done having children, can no longer do so or is simply committed to her child-free lifestyle. Yet women shouldn’t assume that all younger men will eventually want children.

Says Winter, “More and more, I’m meeting young men partnered with women 15-20 years older, both of whom don’t want to have children.” In fact, the desire to remain child-free may account for many younger men seeking older female partners in the first place. The important thing is to talk about it.

Even the term cougar, with its predatory connotation, is one that many women would rather not associate themselves with. Be courageous. Despite the prevalence of the cougar trend, older women shouldn’t expect society to treat their relationships with younger men as “normal.” They will likely field their share of raised eyebrows from friends and family members. Even the term cougar, with its predatory connotation, is one that many women would rather not associate themselves with.

So a woman’s ability to successfully date a younger man may ultimately come down to being an independent thinker who is brave enough to buck the system (kind of like Madonna).

“Madonna lives her life boldly, openly and without regard for social convention. Indeed, this is a woman who would have the courage to love a younger man,” says Winter.

So Madonna may have famously flamed out with former husband Guy Ritchie, but that’s not to say that things won’t work out with Zaibat. At a mere 10 years younger, perhaps Ritchie was just too old for her.

Maggie Flynn is a Los Angeles-based writer.

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Valsargent

Love this article! Thanks for consulting with Susan Winter, she knows her stuff.

Like Reply

6 days ago

Susan Winter

Maggie, you’ve written a beautiful article that demystifies the nonsense around the old, false misconceptions of age-varied partnership. Bravo!

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