Breakups can have two distinctly different meanings. They can be exactly what they are, and the opposite of what they appear to be. A breakup can mean, ” I’m done here. It’s really over.” Or, it can be a plea for proof of your love. This type of breakup is really saying, “I love you. You’re hurting me. I want to stay but this is killing me. Step up to the plate and prove you love me or I’ll be forced break up with you.”

How does one read the correct message imbedded in the breakup? How can you tell if the breakup is definitive, or a threat set up as a test? You have to know your partners commitment in order to decipher their underlying feelings. The breakup threat can be a plea for help covered in layers of hurt and anger. Women are prone to take this action when confused and frustrated. It’s a last-ditch effort. You are being challenged to step up your game, or lose them. You are being asked to fight for the love you share, because by all outer appearances you’re getting lazy, unappreciative or backing off.

It’s imperative to read the underlying emotional markers. If you know your mate, this isn’t difficult. Ask the nature of the real problem, when in doubt. To falsely read the signal of a breakup as concrete is to disallow the possibility of another hidden meaning and desire. Men will often defer to a “pre-emptive” breakup as a way to protect themselves from a woman who has the potential to hurt them. It’s based in the peculiarity of the male ego. The ego demands control. Fight or flight instincts overtake rationale. The male ego senses a loss of self, loss of identity or loss of power. The impulse is to flee becomes overwhelming. This breakup is a means by which to restore a sense of empowerment. Same questions apply; ask the real nature of what’s going on. Reassure your mate. Talk about the problems, and be open to listening. You too, may be asked to make adjustments.

Which are you experiencing and what do you want to do about it? If you care enough to ask, do so. If not, this relationship isn’t important enough for you to save. Too much trouble, too much hassle. No relationship comes without its ups and downs. The false breakup threat is in highest occurrence when the relationship leaves the honeymoon phase and things get real. Partners start to show who they really are, and quit pretending to be who you want them to be. This critical juncture is a time of tremendous internal and external adjustment. Partnership is getting real and real questions may be asked, such as where is this going? Re-calibrations need to be made as each party has to reestablish their own identity within the relationship, and to reestablish their boundaries and goals. It’s a natural event and has its time and place. These adjustments are consistent within a relationship that’s growing. The power shifts within the partnership are being stabilized. What is out of balance is seeking to balance itself. Demands may be made. Goals may be re-clarified.

When is a breakup a real breakup and when is it a cry for love? Ask, if you don’t know. Ask, if you care to know. If it’s really over, at least you know that as well. If there is anything that can be done to reconnect to your partner, asking what is needed will provide the information you seek. Either way, the answers to the truth of the matter will appear. For good or bad, preferred or not preferred, you will know where you stand and what step to next take.

I recently attended a lecture by Dr. Jeffrey Zeig, Ph.D. Psychologist, author, lecturer and founder of the Milton Erickson Foundation, this world-renowned relationship expert stressed the profound power of appreciation when applied to the arena of love and partnership. The act of appreciation dramatically amplifies the love, that does exist. A love that has been wounded or frozen, will revive when met with appreciation. It is in that honoring of the human within, that your lover will feel safe to come forward and respond in the manner they are receiving from you. Stagnant relationships begin to flourish. Partners who were shut down begin to step-up and show affection. All humans need to feel ‘okay’ in the eyes of their lover. You can kick-start that flow of validation through appreciation.

The key to this success formula is founded in demonstrating daily ‘small acts’ of warmth towards your mate. To express what is good and right in your partner, is the fuel that keeps the fire alight as it reawakens passion and reciprocity. It’s not the splash of grand gestures, but rather the consistency of smaller meaningful moments that creates the magic of this gift so universally sought. A vibrant relationship thrives on littler forms of consistent, positive reinforcement. This is the cement that allows for your love to weather the storm of everyday problems and challenges.

Those small, seemly insignificant moments of appreciation are powerful. You may choose to express your appreciation through an approving smile, a warm touch, or by listening to your mate with interest. This foundational output forms the bedrock upon which relationships survive and grow.

Having worked intimately with the most brilliant minds in this industry, Dr. Zeig cited the “5 to 1 Ratio Principle.” Based on research done by colleague Dr. John Gottman, humans have been proven to need at least 5 positives experiences to bear the weight of 1 that is negative. That means, for every one upsetting situation you and your partner encounter, there must be the balance of five other positive events to erase its negative impact. “This is the constant,” Dr. Zeig stated. And if you’re wondering as to the credibility of Dr. Gottman’s work, Zeig continued, “He can predict divorce within 97% of his clients.”

When focusing on what is wrong with your partner, you cannot see what is good. Attention to the negative only reinforces noticing more of what is negative in another. Actively looking for the positive in your partner is a form of mental reconditioning. The application of this effort is small when weighed against the tremendous results it garners.

Concrete research has documented that “feeling appreciated” is key to the survival of a marriage and other partnership formats. Being attentive, appreciative and seeing the best in your partner creates the needed bond to withstand the vicissitudes of real-world living. In the simple act of being willing to see more of what is good in your partner, that good increasingly becomes evident.

The fear of being alone is terrifying for most people I know. This paralyzing projection keeps many a couple trapped in a dysfunctional loop of unhappy relations. Though the reasons stated for not separating include children and/or loss of money, at the core of this stasis is a fear of being alone. Someone, it seems, is better than no one.

The fear of being alone is an irrational construct. Alone, doesn’t mean “lonely.” Yet the false premise states that clinging to “another” for safety, will somehow guarantee our safety. Security derived from an outer source is impossible. In the absence of our own self love, we cannot connect or remain connected to another in a meaningful way. Staying in an unhappy partnership is seen as being of greater value than honoring the self. It is fear. Projected fear. The loneliness imagined will only be experienced when not united with ourselves.

I’ve counseled many people on the merits of being comfortable in their own skin and finding peace within. While this is the answer, it’s astounding how much resistance is given to the concept. The idea lies in outer identification. We’ve been told through stories, movies, music and literature throughout history that we are incomplete, and only the presence of another can alleviate the void we feel inside. This void, is the recognition that we are not aligned with ourselves. No other person can make us feel whole. It’s folly. But still, the concept continues in the minds of far too many. The idea that another person will be the balm to sooth us and the cure to our discontent, is one met with sadness. In the realization that this ‘other’ isn’t the cure, pain intensifies as we yearn for outer proof of our worth. Pressing our partner, stressing our relationship, and demanding what no one else can give us, they become the problem. Then, our relationship becomes the problem. Somewhere we lost our way and now demand they redeem us.

It is imperative that we ground ourselves in fundamental self-connection before we seek to demand this of another. Without doing our inner work, we’ll always find sorrow. Our relationships will be a battle of conflicting wills. As we seek outer approval of love and validation to make us feel good, our partner holds our happiness in their fickle hands.

The fear of being alone is far greater than the actual doing of it. Taking time to be alone with ourselves can be the greatest journey of a lifetime. The discovery of what we like, what we feel, what we want and who we really are is liberation at its finest. When actualized, one discovers the delight of a freedom far greater than imagined. After all the worries and projected fears comes the final unexpected ah-ha moment— that we are fine. There is peace and contentment. Then, joy. Former avoidance seems ridiculous in hind-sight. We realize we have ourselves as good company. We begin to value the life we have. We learn our fears of being alone were completely unfounded. Once done, we may assess the validity of our partnership. Then, from that point of true connection we magnetize others who also like themselves and like us. We create a new platform from which love may grow. There’s no better starting point for a new relationship, or for one in peril. It’s the work that must be done by no one, but us. And, once done… is cherished as the edification of all that we are, and have become.

Here’s and update on Kara’s situation with Mark. She changed her inner dialogue and changed her outer behavior. I’m thrilled when readers reignite their love, and come around to a better place. Below is her letter. Thanks Kara— for your letter and for the effort you applied to switch the dynamics in your relationship.

Things turned around yesterday with Mark. I was doing what you said to do. We met at a restaurant in town (very nice I must tell you). We had wine by the fire and then he took me for a walk along the avenue to all the shops. He bought me a diamond necklace and opened up emotionally quite a bit with me. Lots of hand holding and laughter. We went to another bistro and had soup at the bar. Very romantic night. He’s talking about the future with me again. I think we got over a big hump together. He explained how he must stay focused on his work and how meeting me took him away from that and as long as he can stay focused on his work, we will be fine. I’m sure, come summer we will do extensive travel again. For now, I am quite pleased. We both shared how we had both given too much and not gotten back in the last relationship and we saw how we were unnecessarily projecting that onto each other now. It was quite interesting. I told him he was suppose to be my rebound relationship…not someone I would have stayed with now for five months. He said the same. For now, my Xmas looks bright and I am feeling that ‘love glow’ again. I think sometimes one needs to go thru bumps in a relationship, but like the stock market, if you hang in there long enough, there seems to be a rebound. Thanks for the advice. You are right!

PS I find very successful men to live for their work and don’t know how to relax with their gal. My position at this time; as long as he can pay his own rent, car, food, clothes, etc, I am fine. And he must be driven to work and had some success at work. smiles, Kara

What do you do when your man loses his Mojo? In todays tough economic climate, this letter affects many women in relationships. If your mate is experiencing a financial downturn you will be sharing his discontent. Here’s how to help your man find his Mojo again, and how to unburden yourself in the process. Included are excepts from Kara’s letter to this site:

Susan, your website is magnificent. I started reading on your site! Brilliant! Wow, loved the Beginning, Middle and End in Love Relationships. I saw so much of myself there. I have been tormenting myself with trying to change my boyfriend, not being okay with who he is…demanding him to take certain classes and trying to get into a new line of work, therapy or telling him he’s living in the past. Wow, when I look at my actions I think, what have I done? In all fairness to me, he is a bit lost now – career down, money down, and other personal stuff I cant go into in detail. His affection for me has tanked way down. He comes here, eats my food, then falls asleep on the couch! I don’t know, maybe I’m not ready, can’t tell if its him or me. He’s like my ex in many ways, and that scares the crap out of me: lost directionally, artist with no worth in the world, loner and more. Anyway, I’m sorting this out and your site helped me immensely. FANTASTIC JOB. Your writing is so intuitive and clear.

Dear Kara,

These are tough economic times for everyone. Your desire to “help” your man comes from a good place. That’s what partners do. We support each other by offering our belief in their abilities and suggestions for their challenges. But, the manner in which you are doing so appears to be backfiring.

There is a double-edged sword in trying to manage how our man regains his “Mojo;” he becomes increasingly aware that he’s lost it. We can offer suggestions but we can’t demand a specific course of action. If you find yourself insisting he adopt your method of meeting life’s challenges, you will the meet resistance you see now. People must find their own way, and feel free to do so.

What’s worked for you doesn’t necessarily work for others. Micro-managing a man will establish a pattern of you “being the mom.” It will shut him down emotionally and sexually, as it forces him to play out the role of the resistant child.

Your boyfriend is a grown man. You can assist him in re-discovering his power by responding to him as a woman– not a mom. You’ve indicated your awareness of numerous technologies for corrective guidance, and that he was once more assertive and productive. Also, you are seeing a pattern you experienced with your ex.

The day we turn the tables and become the teacher, therapist, guru, or advisor is the day we tank the sex. It’s a tricky adjustment for an empowered woman. Part of ‘allowing the female’ is to be the listener; sometimes make suggestions, but to let him work it out on his own. That reinforces that he is capable. That balance needs to be intact. When you believe in him and ignite his fire to pursue his ambition, he is given strength. Rather than correcting or forcing how he should ‘do’ this, to be the believer in him will allow him to find his way.

I always suggest to correct what you can in yourself first, then make a decision as to your lover. They bounce off our energy. They reflect who we are being, back to us. When we over-give, we create a taker. When we over-manage/advise, we create a confused child that looks to us as “mom” and relies upon us to mop up their mess. When we see our man as incapable, he becomes that.

For the next week, try this mental adjustment. Demand no specific course of action. Only establish the belief you have in his abilities. Let it go. It’s not your battle. It’s his. Allow your energy to focus on what you need to do for yourself and give up the idea you are here to correct, fix, or do it for him.

Just try it. See how light you feel, knowing he’s in charge of his life and you’re in charge of yours. From that place you will discover who he is as a man. And, he has the space to see himself as a man, again.

Each week, I will select one pertinent question from my readers to answer directly on this site. There are many common threads that unite the questions I receive. Knowing your concerns may help others as well, I’m beginning this weekly dialogue. In order to best serve your needs regarding privacy, please construct a letter that I may submit exactly as written. You may use the Contact tab to email me, or info@SusanWinter.net

I’m on TV this Monday, at 6pm, EST. The NYC based show Dating Help 911! is hosted by my colleague Tracey Steinberg, Dateologist.® Tracey hosts the only interactive dating advice television show in the world. This show is live. Call us at 212.757.2076 with your most pressing dating and relationship questions. We’ll answer you directly on-air.

In NYC you can find Dating Help 911! on:

• Time Warner Cable (channel 67),
• RCN (channel 85),
• Verizon (channel 36).

If you are located outside of NYC you can watch by copying and pasting this link: http://mnn4.mnntv.org/OnAir/flash/live.html and then clicking “play.”

The ultimate form of seduction may be different than what you imagine. Unlike the long-held ideology that allure is created by push/pull tactics, games and distancing— the key to all attraction, is warmth.

When you think of the most charming and engaging people you’ve ever met, they were undoubtably warm. Warmth is the quality that opens the hardest of hearts. It allows for an ease of the inner guard, allowing those in its presence feel safe, “to feel.” This is not the false warmth of a forced smile or cultivated “happy” disposition, but a genuine warmth flowing outward to all it meets.

Here’s a mental exercise to prove my point:

1. Think of two people who make you feel good.

2. Before reading any further, imagine these two people now. See them clearly in your mind, and tune into what you feel when in their presence. Once you can see them and feel them, read on.

They possess the ability to make you feel good about yourself, right? These two people see you in your highest light. They make you feel safe, accepted and wonderful. In their presence, you shine. Underlying your good feeling is their genuine warmth. This is the ultimate allure. Not only general warmth, which is compelling to all— but specific warmth, intended for you.

When we’re romantically attracted to someone, there is a tendency to pull back. I’ve known many individuals who suddenly become shy around people for whom they feel attraction. It’s a guard mechanism activated by the ego. We don’t want to reveal our excitement. We imagine that in showing our interest, we’ll be vulnerable. What if they don’t want or accept this interest?

Here’s the twist on that thinking. Showing general interest in another (when it is without sexual tension and focus), is universally attractive. There is a non-threatening quality in being open and warm. Lacking a specific sexual vibration, it is met with comfort. It’s neutral. It doesn’t force an immediate decision regarding romantic involvement.

Social settings such as a bar or club often garner uninvited sexual advances. The one who engages imagines this is the proper manner of expressing their desires. It fails in almost all cases, due to pressure.  In a brief moment a significant decision must be made— yes, or no. It’s threatening when unwanted. Even if you might be interested in this person, the nature of their specifically focused energy is forcefully uncomfortable. It’s too strong and direct, leaving no time for proper assessment. It is a recipe for rejection.

Compare that type of energy, with general warmth. Imagine a person approaching you in the same type of setting, who is warm and engaging. You feel relaxed. Nothing is demanded, therefore you’re not put on the spot. You’re more inclined to speak to this person. You may begin to like their vibe and want to continue spending time with them. This is what the charm of warmth creates. In its ease, it allows any form of natural interest to ignite and expand.

To show our warmth and to show our approval of another, is extremely powerful. It is from this position that we have the greatest chance of creating interest within another. In testing this theory, we need only think of the most seductive people we know. They have harnessed this spectacular quality, and in their midst we feel glorious. Warmth activates a merging, as it pulls us in and toward the center of its radiance. This is seduction, at its finest. The allure, charisma, and charm of this type of quality is universally acceptable and inviting.

Seduction doesn’t need to be sexual in nature. The greatest examples of seduction are done emotionally. We think of seduction in terms of enticement, through sexual means. That’s only one form. It’s specific and focused, therefore subject to a higher rate of refusal. The ultimate form of seduction is general engagement of the “other.” It can be used as a prelude to sexuality. But, because it is non-threatening and open-ended, it simply allows for connection. From that standpoint, you can take it wherever you want with greater success. The door has been opened. How you walk through that door, is your determination.

If there is someone to whom you are attracted, think “warmth” when you next see them. Watch the undeniable power of this quality, when applied. You’ll be amazed at your ability to engage interest, and more times than not, engage romantic interest. Warmth is the key to all allure. When used in an honest manner, it melts all ego barriers with its magical properties.

Lovers and friends come in and out of our lives. This is a natural occurrence. Yet, upon this revelation we often feel baldly. “Why did this happen? How could they let me down? I thought we shared a love, a connection, and that we were closer.” Emotions of loss, betrayal, invalidation and sadness are common to the parting of ways. It takes thinking through this occurrence to get to a state of peace, power and purpose.

If we’re honest with ourselves, we find we’re rarely surprised. We felt it coming on. We sensed there was a growing separation. If we can look at the entire event from another perspective, we realize there was a shift. Perhaps we didn’t want this shift to occur. We weren’t ready. It didn’t seem like the right time or the right conditions. Yet, this parting of ways is a natural and necessary part of life.

We humans are in constant movement. Moment by moment and day by day, we are accumulating new information and experiences. We are continually adding to our interior data bank. Each new discovery sends a wave of new messages that alter our thinking and feeling. We are growing and changing. To ask a human not to allow this process is to stop the flow of evolution. In response, our values and priorities shift. And, in accordance with these massive adjustments, it is only natural that our friendships and love affairs shift in correspondence.

People are aligned when they are on the same page. Situational relationships such as shared hobbies or work environments foster to unite individuals that otherwise would not come into each others sphere. These connections are more easily subject to change due to their transient nature. If the foundational elements underlying these alliances aren’t stable enough to weather a new environment, there is an erosion of the relationship. All of this is natural. We were united in a time and space of energetic similarity.

When friends or lovers make their departure, we are apt to feel heightened loss. These were relationships independent of shared interest or location, secured from the heart. When this occurs, the same underlying reasons are at hand. There has been a shift. Wanted or unwanted, this shift has broken the connection. Rather than lament this ending, we can embrace what was and continue to move forward. For reasons we may not know and information that may never be revealed, we do know this— something has shifted. Either way, the shift is an indication that we are to move. Move forward and keep moving. Without regret, and without belaboring the reasons. We can acknowledge that information and take our cue to move as well. Whatever was, is now our past. It added value in its time, and serves as the foundation for our next series of connections. It all has a place in the greater architecture of our evolution.

Life is always moving us forward. People will come and go. It’s not to be interpreted as loss, if we can keep our attention on where we are going while being thankful to those who joined us in our transit.

Yes. The issue of jealousy requires inner work, as it’s a mental construct in need of adjustment. Imposing outer changes in the hopes of affecting an inner reality shift is pointless. Outer changes are never a cure. They’re a form of temporary band-aid that may shield a bruised ego but won’t eradicate the root cause of the underlying pain. Here’s the breakdown of how jealousy occurs, how to overcome it, and the inevitable repercussions on a relationship when left unattended.

1. The Underlying Cause of Jealousy:

Jealousy is a defensive response to feeling inferior and devalued. It’s the auto-reaction of one who doesn’t know their inner worth. Activated by an underlying feeling of lack, it’s rooted in the belief that we are “not enough.” Via comparison, we imagine we are “less than” desirable when evaluated against the qualities or achievement of others. We become jealousy of another in wanting to possess their external symbols of power. That power may be seen as greater beauty, fame, money, or position. All these are markers by which we measure our worth in relation to the outer world. Seen as value identifiers, if we believe we cannot obtain, have or possess these markers, jealousy is the response.

Whatever we are jealous of, is seen as being separate from the Self. We, as the observer, must despise its presence. It’s a reminder of what we imagine we cannot have, or possess.

Control is at the core of this issue. Feeling powerless ignites jealousy. We cannot control others. We cannot demand they see us in a heightened way, when we devalue ourselves. Complaining about their lack of respect, how it’s not fair, we deserve better… all boils down to the opinion we hold of ourselves.

In relationships, jealousy of others signifies the fear of losing our position of power. Other people are seen as a threat. Real or imagined, this creates an emotional roller coaster ride that erodes love within the partnership.

2. How to Overcome Jealousy:

As in all healthy relationships, both partners must have a solid sense of self. There must be self-love and self-worth in place before ever feeling good in partnership. The remedy lies in getting a life— and living the fullest expression of that life.

The cure to jealousy is to create a full and rich life, to agree with ourselves and begin to appreciate who and what we are. Having a “relationship” isn’t a cure for incompleteness. A healthy relationship must first exist within us, then extend to include another. So often in this culture, we’re taught to look to someone else to import our happiness. It never happens that way. Every individual must make the journey to self-love on their own. Each of us must seek and discover own form of power and version of joy. It’s our job to enter a relationship as a complete individual. Only then, may we discover union.

3. How does Jealousy Ruin Relationships?:

If we are jealous of our partners time at work or attention to others, we’re confining them to only seek joy through us. That’s unnatural and unrealistic. There is no balance in that demand. It can only create anger and resentment in our partner.

Irrational jealousy over other people can be another way this occurs. Imagined lovers, lack of trust, and assumed trysts will destroy any relationship. We must first trust ourselves, then trust our partner.

Romantic relationships stir up our underlying emotional disposition. If something is out of balance within us, it will rear its head in the partnership realm very quickly. The partner unsure of their value will look to their lover (an entity outside of themselves) for confirmation. No one, and no thing outside of ourselves, can create our worth. It’s an inside job that only we can perform.

Jealousy is heightened when the connection between the partners is less than ideal. This appears as lack of trust, accusations, and threats. It can, and has, ruined many a relationship. It creates a pressure on an already fragile coupling. Instead, we need to foster a foundation of connectivity with our partner. We need two lives; one with ourselves and the joined life we share.