A New Option for Back-Peddling

There’s a point in every dating scenario when we know it’s over. Either they aren’t consistently moving toward partnership, or we recognize they’re not the one for us. It doesn’t have to be tragic or sad. We don’t need to play the victim because society has told us to do so. We can see it as a natural occurrence of exploring the unknown, or we can allow it to destroy our self respect. For reasons we may or may not understand at the time, this isn’t our true partner. Someone better lies ahead and we’re being pulled toward that destination.

I had a client who was seeing a man she liked. They’d been dating one month when he began back-peddling. She wanted more, he wanted less. Frustrated, she could feel what was happening. Despite her efforts to connect on a more meaningful level, he was definitely going South. What to do? She felt disempowered and held captive by his decision to stall. She knew her worth and didn’t want to sit idly by watching him retreat, pretending nothing was happening. Friends advised her to call and press the question, “So, what’s going on here?” Being neither needy or insecure, that advice didn’t register as an option. She had to make a move that was authentic and positive for all. I suggested a pro-active move on her part that would both reconnect her to her power and leave him intact. Revenge is for amateurs and normally backfires on the one who seeks to minimize the errant partner.

I asked her what she had gained from knowing him. What specifically had he given to her, and her life, that she would have never had unless she’d been with him? For the first time in her communication with a men, she’d experienced the ability to be open and honest. She uncovered her action step in that assessment.

I told her to call him, and speak in “monologue” form— a one-way conversation relating this truth from the heart. She was skeptical. My advice seemed to defy all she’d learned in the world of ego preservation. But she trusted me enough to try it. I knew what would happen but didn’t tell her. The point was to have her realize the power of being pro-active. In being the first one to “tell it like it was,” she empowered herself. Speaking her truth with confidence and warmth, she thanked him for his contribution to her life. It was a form of saying: “I know you’re back-peddling. I see it. But I need you to know this about my experience with you before you go. I gained from it, and you.”

My client could do this, because she was “done.” She’d tried everything yet still needed to do something else. That urge comes from within. Taking the reigns and speaking up was born in this relationship, so it was especially needed now. She didn’t care any longer what he thought of her. With no ego left to preserve (the most powerful of all realizations and positions possible) and no need to worry about his reaction, she left her beautiful voice mail message. I knew his next move but didn’t tell her. The information would have colored her tone and energy in the call. She needed to tell her truth, without going for a “goal.”

Men have highly sophisticated antennae regarding maneuvers and the inherent instinct to sniff-out underlying motives. She didn’t have a motive. It wasn’t cover for a “push” or “pull.” Only a statement. He called back immediately. Moved by her message and manner of communication, he asked her on a spectacular date.

The need to control an undesirable situation by pushing or pulling a partner into compliance, is the root of all torment. All we can do is improve ourselves. We can’t coerce others or make them want us. But we can show up in a way that allows us to shine, no matter what the outcome.

When do we fold, and when do we hold? We hold when there is still hope. We fold in the moment we see there is no hope. When a partner is back-peddling, a pro-active position can be a profoundly powerful option. When we speak our truth in that moment, it doesn’t have to be the un-empowered ranting of a bruised ego. It doesn’t have to be a wounded truth. It can be a liberating truth as we realize all this is indeed, for our gain. It can be the thankful truth that allows us to move forward to a new position, or leave with our goodies in hand.