Dating Younger Men; 5 Things You Need to Know

If you’re thinking about dating a younger man, congratulations. Far too many centuries have limited women’s choices. With younger men added to the romantic game board, every woman increases her opportunity for love and romance. As a relationship expert in this specific field of research, I’ve witnessed a tremendous shift in societal perception over the last ten years. What was once thought of as unusual, has now become common place.

Our current state of social consciousness has finally allowed all women an expanded freedom of choice. No, you don’t have to be Demi or Madonna. You don’t have to be rich or beautiful. You simply have to be open to the idea, and willing to see younger men as an additional option for partnership.

While the basis of all dating is still the connection between two individuals, this romantic design contains some variations. To enjoy the best results, here are five things you need to know:

1. Be open to the possibility

In order to date a younger man, a woman must first attract a younger man into her life. How does that happen? The answer is simple. Be open to the possibility.

Human beings possess an amazing internal computer system. All of our thoughts eventually become reality. Whatever we allow into our mind, will occur in our life. If you want to date a younger man, first allow the thought to exist. It’s like selecting a radio station. Just as you’d tune the dial for the type of music you like, the radio is automatically set to pick up that station. The same is true in what you attract in the form of men. In order to date a younger man, create the mental frequency for his response.

Now, you carry that vibe. Again, like the radio, it’s something you emit. Once this mental frequency is set, it’s ready to be received by younger guys— when you’re walking your dog, in a grocery store, or out with friends. You don’t have to change how you dress. You don’t have to scout the college bars. Just live your life, and watch what happens. Trust me on this one. I’ve been dating younger men for twenty five years.

2. Expect the unexpected

Younger men come from a different generation. Therefore, they perceive the world differently than their older counterparts. They grew up with working moms. They respect and admire powerful women. Whereas older men have been taught to see women as accessories to their lives, younger guys see women as equals. Since younger men accept female empowerment as the norm, that principle transfers into equal partnership.

Each generation becomes more enlightened and inclusive. Your younger man may surprise you with an unexpected level of self-awareness. He may possess an emotional capacity you didn’t anticipate. Chances are he’ll be more spontaneous and adventurous than you’re used to. He may challenge your ideals. He’s apt to push you to a new understanding of a social situation, or open your thinking to a new perspective. This is rooted in his sense of equality. It’s not borne of a power trip. Younger men are exceedingly comfortable with your power, and don’t need to diminish you, in order to substantiate themselves.

Because a younger man hasn’t had the time to learn the routine of dating, he may throw you off a bit… in a good way. Lacking the additional years of acquired gamesmanship, he’s often more natural and honest in his courtship. It’s refreshing. But it requires an equal dose of honesty from you. What attracts a younger man to an older women, is the lack of games. So, if your default is to pullout the known “this-always-works trick,” forget it. He lacks the polish his older counterparts possess in countering your moves. You’ll be forced to be real. Honesty is the best communication policy here. And, that’s a very good thing.

Don’t equate youth with simplicity. He may have more content than you expect. What you thought would be a casual fling, may turn into the real thing. Less guarded emotionally (and lacking the years of dating and its corresponding disillusionment), a younger man comes with a cleaner slate. It’s a blank canvass upon which the two of you may design the finest romance imaginable.

3. There will be exciting differences

A younger man will force you to grow. He will open the door to a new vision of life. He may not listen to the same type of music, or use the same reference points in conversation that are familiar to you. He may have a completely different world view— one freer and more open. You will be forced to see things differently, and learn new things. That’s good. You’ll be aware of a new world, and see it with new eyes.

There will be enough commonality to connect you, but enough differences to excite you. The connection you share will be one of resonance, not formula. Expansion and excitement are the hallmarks of involvement with a younger man. Be ready to do the “unexpected date,” go to the novel location, and experience the unknown. Be ready to laugh. Be willing to let go of what you know, and enter the new. Your life will be richer for it.

4. You may not be the one in control

The term “Cougar” conjures up images of a stealth hunter on the prowl for her next easy prey. It sounds empowering, and women are loving the comparison. But in reality, media has taunted us with a myth. The only thing a secure established woman controls, is her own life. Not another’s. As an older woman, you’ve had the added years of self-reflection to have learned your truth, and live authentically. You’ve become less reactive (what men call “crazy”), taking on life with a greater perspective while taking yourself less seriously. You’ve won enough battles to know your strengths, and lost enough challenges to know you’ll survive. But don’t assume this younger man is a toy, or easy prey.

Younger men are the product of an evolving world. You may easily discover your younger man is more enlightened than anticipated. He may be able to handle things in the dating/relationship process that you can’t. Let him be himself, and allow yourself to be the woman you’ve always wanted to be. Know what you want. State your truth. Don’t worry. You’re not giving up control. You are, in reality, taking authentic control. You’re entering co-creation.

Younger men view dating in terms of partnership. While former versions of dating assumed male and female roles, today’s younger guys prefer to create original models. Resist the temptation to mold him into the rigid dating versions of the past. Don’t allow the old roles to limit your vision.

By assisting each other and working together, you can create the version of dating/relationship that works best for both of you. Here’s where you get to exercise real control. In evolving partnership models, two people function as one unit, with equal input and joint control. It’s a vast improvement on the old dating design. From my years of research, this type of partnership is where the real magic happens.

5. He’s probably had more sex than you have

While you might think you’re the one with all the experience, here’s where the tables often turn. Just because he’s young, doesn’t mean he’s sexually naïve. Age doesn’t equal sexual experience. Younger generations have grown up with a more open attitude toward sexuality. From the statistics I’ve studied, many young men have been active since their early teens. Their entire sexual landscape is uncluttered by the former mores of times past. Sexuality is viewed as a healthy, normal part of human expression. It’s a new terrain, where nothing is taboo and nothing is abnormal between consenting adults. You may just learn a thing or two from him.

We always hear that older men are better in bed. Personally, I can’t comment on this one. I think it’s just a rumor… started by old men. The oldest man I’ve ever dated was still 12 years younger than myself. While older men are said to have mastered the art of pleasing a woman— again, this is anecdotal. I’ve heard far too many complaints to believe it’s factual. Judging from what my girlfriends tell me, it’s definitively dicey. In this arena, older doesn’t always mean better. As for me, I’ll take my chances with younger men. I know what to expect.

In time, perhaps I’ll have the opportunity to experience a man in his 50′s or 60′s. At that point, I will have the answer… are older men better in bed? But at 80, I probably won’t feel like writing about it.

  • #1 written by Julie  2 years ago

    Fantastic article. So much truth to it. I’ve been dating younger men for many years now. (since I left my ex-husband 10 years ago). They are by far more exciting, more respectful and a much better fit with me. I have never pursued any of them, it was always them pursuing me and I have had very satisfying, long term, relationships with them.

    • #2 written by Susan Winter  11 months ago

      Thank you Julie!! Susan

  • #3 written by Issac Maez  1 year ago

    I simply want to say I am just beginner to blogging and honestly enjoyed you’re web blog. Probably I’m planning to bookmark your site. You amazingly come with perfect posts. With thanks for sharing your web site.

    • #4 written by Susan Winter  11 months ago

      Appreciate that Issac. Keep reading. Susan

  • #5 written by Lori  1 year ago

    At 51 — the men my age are just not appealing to me.

    I am a very healthy woman and ran my first 1/2 marathon at age 50. (I’m running 2 this year). My ex husband is 10 years younger than me. I’ve always loved younger men and would love to find one who is in his forties. But the universe has other ideas. I bought a house in November 2010. There are three single men on my street.

    One in his twenties — too immature and screws everything he can get his hands on.
    One is in his thirties — I like him best but refused to allow myself to like him seriously because of the age difference. He was married when I moved in and she left him for another man. His divorce is final and he’s still licking his wounds but he’s my my best male friend.
    One is in his forties — he’s as immature as the twenty-something guy and doesn’t interest me at all.

    After reading about your book and the articles here on your blog — I think the thirty three year old is looking better all the time. :)

    All in good time. I am so glad I found your blog.

    • #6 written by mark  1 year ago

      Hi Lori. What a fantastic comment! Starting a connection with a friendship (while the other person is making their internal changes) is a strong cohesive force. I’m glad to hear that neither of you are jumping in too soon. Yes, the man is his 30′s sounds great. And it’s a wise choice to let him sort out his past and process his emotions around his divorce. If you’ve already dipped your toes in a marriage where the man was 10 years younger… what’s the difference in adding another 10 years? I wish you well. Keep me posted! Susan

    • #7 written by Auth  1 year ago

      I definitely see your point and maybe for most people that’s true. But I think it’s possible that it’s different with everybody. For example, I wouldn’t make out with a girl in front of my mom. But if I go out somewhere with a girl and when I come back my mom asks, So did you two make out? I, personally, would have no reason to lie, therefore both I and my mother agree that it’s not too far.

      • #8 written by Susan Winter  11 months ago

        Why are you so interested in what your mother thinks? Perhaps you live at home. Then, of course, you may need to edit the details of your sexual experience. The wonderful thing about self-dependence is that you are not responsible to answer to any one but yourself. Susan

  • #9 written by Marina  1 year ago

    It’s a nice post.

    • #10 written by Susan Winter  11 months ago

      Thanks Marina. Lots of advice here. Hope it is helpful to you! Susan

  • #11 written by sue  1 year ago

    This article is very accurate. I am dating a gentlemen 20 years younger. The difference here is he was raised by a much older mother which made his morals more older than his young age. We have been friends close to a year, not made any commitment yet, but sure seems to be heading towards a more serious relationship. For obvious reason, I did not accept him pursuing for the first 3 months, we just did our compatible things together as friends. This is where we became close and both realized just how much we cared for each other. His pass relationship does push his committing part backward a few steps off and on, but on my part it helps me by allowing me to not rush in to fast and to watch the relationship to see if “it is what I really want” and work on respect, understand or accept each other’s lifestyle. Basically I am going with the flow if it happens .. it happens naturally. What I like is how the articles says.. “does it feel right?, do I love him? The other thing is I feel because he is Mid Thirty and I am Mid Fifty, the maturity part is not much of an issue because I am physically in good condition and he is feeling his age of not being so young and he also feels like slowing down. All in all, I think the compatibility plays a big roll rather than the age gap.

    • #12 written by Susan Winter  1 year ago

      Hi Sue. Glad you read this article. If age-varied relationships are new for you (and your partner), it can make one hesitate to act on what their heart feels. In your case I think it’s great that you’re taking it slowly. Getting to know who he is before you leap is brilliant.

      A man is his mid-thirties has had time to stabilize in his career and in his emotional life. I have another article called “Age by the Numbers.” It breaks down the mid-thirites as being pretty spectacular for partnership.

      Sue, you’ve found compatibility with a wonderful man 20+ years younger. Welcome to my world!! It’s invigorating, rewarding and sublime. You will grow as as person, as will he. I wish you both great success in love and happiness. Susan

  • #13 written by Max em  1 year ago

    My girl is ten years older than me, I am 18. I am in luv with her physically, mentally and personally. We treat each other just like married couple.

    • #14 written by Susan Winter  11 months ago

      Love the comment Max! Thanks, Susan

    • #15 written by dionne  6 months ago

      thats so sweet of you to say! im 22 and im dating an 18 year old he’s almost 19. i felt really strange at first because he’s 4 years younger and its the second guy ive dated. i am worried because he seems serious about me and he told his family about me already he wants to get married and everything lol but im worried it wont last

  • #16 written by leslie  1 year ago

    what if you are 14 years older than the guy you what to date and he is 18 years old is it ok to date him or not

    • #17 written by Susan Winter  1 year ago

      In most countries, 18 is considered “legal age.” In Europe the consenting ages for romance with an adult are far younger, ranging from 13-16. If you’re worried at all about this, I would become his “friend” for now. build a solid platform from which to move later into romance. good luck! Susan

  • #18 written by AlaskaBabe  1 year ago

    Golly I am so glad to have found your blog today as I frantically wondered how this fit 58 year old came to a crossroads seeing a 38 year old . I feel so much better now, and think I can relax into allowing a relationship blossom. Even if it goes awry, I will be in a much better position to flex my maturity and fling myself into the future with joy! Thank you for the “5 things”….

    • #19 written by Susan Winter  11 months ago

      You are welcome Alaska babe. Is it true that all men in Alaska wear facial hair?? Just wondering. Thanks for the positive comment. Tell me more in time about your 38 year old. That’s a great age for a man to be solidly grounded in his truth. Good for you. I wish you well! Susan

  • #20 written by Louise  1 year ago

    I loved this article. I found it very comforting to have some of the thoughts bouncing around in my head confirmed by someone! Especially someone who has both experienced the situation and also and expert :)

    I’m 26 and currently in the very early stages of a not quite relationship with a 19 yr old. I am a bit unsure of the situation.

    The age difference nags at me a little. We have so much fun when I’m with together. He’s supportive, intelligent and hilarious. We play and laugh and cuddle and we can talk about important things too. These are qualities I have not found overall in men my own age and older. At least not all together.

    I know that 6 years may seem like a minor age gap in comparison to some others and its not the first time I’ve seen someone younger, but the difference was less, the time together was based on sex and I was a bit younger too, so I guess I just feel a bit more aware of it now. Besides that, I actually really like him and I suppose that’s a little scary on it’s own.

    I suppose my real concern is that I may look a fool if things do not work. Or that somehow I will hurt him. He’s not naive in general but at the same time has had some bad experiences sexually which make him seemingly a little hesitant in that area. I feel a bit.. protective? He’s extremely sweet, treats me well and makes me very happy. But a small part of me can’t help but wonder if I shouldn’t be so taken in?
    Heartbreak can be difficult enough without the added hurt and embarrassment of ‘being played’ by a younger guy.

    Any thoughts or advice would be greatly appreciated :)

    • #21 written by Susan Winter  1 year ago

      Hi Louise. Firstly, let me commend your concern for him and for possibly hurting him. That’s a clear indicator that you have good intentions. That’s wonderful. Remember, love allows no one a guarantee– regardless of age. It’s a trial and error basis.

      As for you… to look like a fool? Everyone who attempts to date could be put in that category. If we try, at least we gave ourselves a shot at intimacy. That’s all anyone can do. If everyone who dated worried that they’d look like a fool if it didn’t work out, no one would date. Having had a long term live-in relationship with a younger man (beginning when he was 19), I can assure you that at 26 you will have far less difficulty than I did at age 40. Now that’s a big gap!

      Louise, if you like him and he likes you— give it a shot. Life is about learning. Learning is where we grow as individuals. There is no other method out there but to “try.” I wish you the very best!!! Susan

    • #22 written by Yvonne  11 months ago

      Know how you feel . I am a widow of 62 dating a guy of 52. He assures me the age doesn’t matter and is the most loving guy I have ever met but after 15 months I still feel very insecure.

      • #23 written by Susan Winter  11 months ago

        We’re all insecure when it comes to love, Yvonne. No one gets a guarantee. We proceed forth. We want to taste and feel the exquisite joy of union. It’s a part of life that human’s desire.

        Yvonne— can we talk? 15 months with your younger man, and you are complaining, because…? Hmm? You’ve outlasted most people on the dating frontier.

        Yvonne, I currently know 10 woman who would give their right arm and entire financial portfolio to have a “loving guy for 15 months.” We really need to talk.

        You have love. ACCEPT IT! ENJOY IT! Susan

  • #24 written by Louise  1 year ago

    Thanks so much for your comment :)

    Feeling a fool is a general issue for me in regards to dating so I know it’s just something I have to let go of.
    I pride myself on my ‘never say never’ approach to things, but that little voice of doubt does creep in occasionally.
    I guess I just have to make sure that doesn’t get in the way of what looks to be a great relationship :)

    • #25 written by Susan Winter  11 months ago

      We all hear that “little voice” in our heads. It’s our enemy. It’s not our truth. Live the fullness of the life you are currently living. Like the comment Louise had above, enjoy what you have. Still your mind. Live your reality. Susan

  • #26 written by lorraine  11 months ago

    Hi. Gosh you are so amazing. I just prefer younger men; I was doubting this at at first, but now I am a widow and I’m am attracted to a younger man. Life is so bubbly now! It’s as though it’s a new life altogether. I’m going to be 54 years and am gyming and keeping fit. He is 46. thanks so much!

    • #27 written by Susan Winter  11 months ago

      Hi Lorraine. Now this is the type of story that I love, as it defies the “Hollywood Myth.” As I wrote, you don’t need to be Demi or Madonna. When an “older” younger man (as yours is 46) makes this choice, it’s potent.

      We all find with ease the ability for a 20-something-year old to be attracted to a beauty in her late 30′s or early 40′s. When a 46 year old man choices a partner who is older… he’s in. Meaning, he gets the concept of the addition merits you possess.

      Glad you wrote this. Good for you both! Susan

  • #28 written by Laura  11 months ago

    I thoroughly enjoyed this post. I am 27 and I have been in two long term relationships. One with a man 20 years my senior, the other 15 years my senior. Both failed miserably after a few years.

    I am newly dating a man who is 20 years old. I feel more than a little odd about the age difference, but we don’t feel it when we are together. He is absolutely wonderful, and encompasses all of the qualities that I have been looking for. I think I could fall in love with him.

    It’s refreshing to read your post, and the comments, to know that I’m not quite so odd.

    • #29 written by Susan Winter  11 months ago

      You’ve got the right idea Laura. When you are together, as you stated, you don’t feel the age difference. That’s because you both resonate to the same energy. You are in sync. The age factor isn’t a determinant of true compatibility. It’s a conventional format that’s supposed to allow for connection.

      As you have learned Laura, true connection and resonance isn’t defined by age or other external factors. It lives deep inside of us… and finds its corresponding union in another. Best wishes to you both! Susan

  • #30 written by Luna 11 months ago

    Wow… Reading all of these posts really made me feel a LOT better.
    I’m absolutely and entirely in love with a guy who’s 13 years younger than me. which perhaps makes it strange, is that he’s 6 years older than my eldest. We enjoy spending time together and the kids adore him – perhaps because they see him as a friend to them.
    My question is… And the thing that always makes me wonder if I shouldn’t walk away from this… What am I doing to his life? He’s 21 years old. He deserves a wedding with a stunning girl, having his own kids – not also raising someone else’s.
    Am I making any sense at all….?

    • #31 written by Susan Winter  11 months ago

      You’d be making complete sense— if you were talking to someone who lived inside the box of social convention. I don’t. So, here’s the other side of that mental argument I ‘d like you to consider. You’ve already tip-toed over the edge, so why not be in agreement with where your instinct has led you?

      You are worried about his future choices and how you fit in. Does HE want that? Does he need his own children? A wedding with a stunning girl… ? Maybe that’s you. ASK him.

      Please read the section on Children. This is a huge issue for age-varied couples. It will give you the exact answers you need to your dilemma. Don’t worry Luna. There are only 3 types of men:

      Those that must have children
      Those that don’t want children
      Those who want what you want (they don’t care either way)

      Luna, please write back to me after you have a heart-to-heart talk with your younger man. I think you may be pleasantly surprised to discover he wants what he’s already found. Susan

  • #32 written by leena  11 months ago

    I am glad that I found this blog . I am 42 and dating this guy who is 28 for 2 yrs now . We have a long distance relationship ( He works in Dubai ) . I always had my doubts about this relationship , how far its gonna go . But being with him has completely changed me . He is fun to be with , very caring and loving . and yes very possessive too. But I love it because after coming out of an abusive marriage of 13 years and living single for 8 years I think this is the best thing which has happened to me . My kids aged 18 and 10 like him and talk to him on a daily basis too. I still have some doubts about how it is going to be when I grow a little more older . He wants to marry me and settle down with me for the rest of his life . I have my guilt feeling of Am I stopping him from exploring more and am I holding him back. He says its not like that and he says if he wanted to move on with somebody younger I cant make him stay . I hope I wont ruin it by my doubts about this relationship. I hope I can completely let go of the age factor.

    • #33 written by Susan Winter  11 months ago

      My dear Leena. Thank you for this. Yes. Your doubts will kill your love. You must believe him. Why is it that you doubt what he is saying? Because you have accepted a “cultural paradigm” that has told you love (real love and marriage) cannot work with a younger man.

      This is FALSE! Just because it has been stated, verbally and non-verbally, doesn’t mean it’s the truth.

      Love happens. When it happens for us, we must grab it with both hands. Real, true love is rare. It’s a gift.

      My dear Leena, love is greater than age. Love supersedes all external factors. It moves beyond location, age, religion and ethnicity. Real love finds its match. Real love moves our heart and soul. Real love shift our reality and bends the parameters of our limited belief systems.

      Allow yourself to ACCEPT this love. I beg you. Susan

  • #34 written by Rosy  11 months ago

    Hello, I just read your blog and I was very happy to read some of the things I read, I am 38 years old and I have been divorced for about 4 years now and I haven’t done too much dating but my first and last experience was awful I dated a guy 7 years younger than me and it was the worst thing ever! Now I am not saying it was because of his age I just think it depends on the person. That relationship ended last year and I am single again and recently something happened that I could not believe myself, I have older kids 19, 16, & 7 so my oldest which is my daughter, she has a boyfriend and his friend which mind you he is only 23 he has the hot’s for me and at first I thought it was funny and cute and it made me feel good that I still have it! lol well recently we began to talk and hang out and I see that I am beginning to feel very curious about him and interested all in the same time! I know this is crazy and I shouldn’t because of the 15 year difference!!! But each day that goes by he makes me smile with his cute text messages and I am in aw about this! I went out with him on a date and we had a great time I did notice the age difference in certain situations. He seems very much interested in me he is very sweet but I just feel so wrong about it maybe someone can give me some advice. Thank you

    • #35 written by Susan Winter  11 months ago

      Dear Rosy. You have said, ” I know this is crazy and I shouldn’t because of the 15 year difference!!!” Here, my dear, is where I must protest.

      I have lived this life-choice for over 23 years, and it only gets better and better. younger men (for reasons I can’t explain and don’t need to qualify) seem to be attracted to me. And I, am mutually attracted to them. I love their open mindedness, their evolved perspective and their joy for life. So, here we have a vibrational match. I don’t need to ask why, or figure out “what’s wrong.” Perhaps, in my view, this is “all right.”

      I wish I had you with me now. Sitting in my home and talking face to face. You would see and know all this is good. The judgements you hold were given to you… subtly, unconsciously, and without your permission.

      Conventional dictates have told your thinking “what is WRONG and what is RIGHT.” As one who have been tested by fire for this choice, I must ask you to consider the following…

      DO YOU FEEL HAPPY WHEN YOU ARE WITH HIM?
      DO YOU BOTH ENJOY BEING TOGETHER?
      DOES ALL OF LIFE SEEM “BETTER” DUE TO THIS PERSON?

      If you answer yes to these 3 questions, you must proceed forth with this person. Okay. He’s younger. So what? If you feel alive, happy and “seen” by him, you are a part of the 9% of the world who is currently experiencing a co-creative partnership.

      Rejoice! Don’t allow limiting thoughts to hold you back from the truth of what you are already living, and knowing. Susan

  • #36 written by Yadira Chesner  11 months ago

    I just want to say I am newbie to blogging and seriously enjoyed you’re blog. I’m going to bookmark your blog post. You actually have fabulous writings. With thanks for sharing your insight Susan. you have a fan! Yadira

    • #37 written by Susan Winter  10 months ago

      Thank you Yadira! Nice to hear from you. Keep reading the articles. You’ll find you’re not alone in the questions you have or issues that arise. Most of us have similar situations with our dating lives. Best wishes for tremendous love and happiness. Susan

  • #38 written by Chelle  11 months ago

    Hi Susan,
    I enjoyed reading your blog about dating younger men and I think you give very good advice for women who find themselves in this situation.
    I don’t like the term “cougar” and see it as somewhat degrading for women to be “tagged” with this label. As if a woman who dates a younger man is somehow a predator and only out to seduce the unsuspecting and naive boy to satisfy her lustful desires, and then dispose of him and move on to the next. I mean, maybe that’s the case with some, but my experiences have been far different and quite the opposite. Most times it’s the younger men going after the older women.

    I’m also dating a younger man. I am 54 and he is 41 (he looks even younger than that). We’ve been seeing each other for over 2 1/2 years now. He has never been married and does not have any children, which I must admit seems like a bit of a red flag. I have no children either and my 17 year marriage ended in divorce when my husband left for another woman. I didn’t date for over 3 1/2 years.

    My younger man and I just seemed to have an intense attraction for each other. At first the relationship was purely sexual. I kept thinking each weekend that we saw each other would probably be the last….but I was okay with that….at first. After all, we enjoyed each others company, had lots of fun, and the sex was amazing!

    Well, inevitably you start developing feelings for a person after a period of time and especially if you are intimate with them. This goes the same for men also.

    Problem now is, I’m just not sure where I want to go with this. We are not seeing anyone else, but there’s no verbal commitment either….just an unspoken one. The fact that he is 13 years younger and extremely “hot” by almost anyone’s standards is starting to make me feel a bit insecure. I don’t want to feel insecure. I’ve had my share of that feeling and it’s not pleasant. I think that may be one of the toughest problems women with younger men face.

    • #39 written by Susan Winter  10 months ago

      Hi Chelle. I agree with your irritation regarding the word “Cougar.” I’ve never liked it either. “Older Women/Younger Men” was highly controversial due to the fact it was about loving, committed relationships. Oddly, the press seemed more comfortable with a “fling” rather than true love.

      I had a 7 year relationship with a man 20 years younger than myself (the material for the above mentioned book). I know first-hand the fears and insecurity a woman can feel with a very hot, super gorgeous young hunk. I was new at this, and not quite sure how to handle my inner dialogue and the social pressures from his family and my neighbors. I had the same fears as you are now experiencing.

      An older, wealthy and traditional woman once stated that I must have “low self-esteem” to be with my younger boyfriend. How wrong she was! Just the opposite. I needed to have 10 times the esteem required in same-age partnerships. In time, I realized no matter the age difference, he was there for me and loving me. Each day for 7 years he chose me… for reasons far beyond youth and appropriateness.

      Let’s take the guy out of the picture for a moment. All this is about you, and your realizing your own worth. The younger man is just the vehicle Life has presented to activate your deeper knowing of your value. He’s a catalyst for your growth as a woman who is in the midst of discovering her true value.

      As to where it’s going… no one ever knows these things. It sounds like your “unspoken commitment” says more than words can say.

      My advice is to “ride the ride” that Life has presented. Be aware of how you feel, asses your inner dialogue and rewire your thinking. Continue to allow yourself to be in the experience you are having. Listen to your gut. Separate the judgmental thoughts society has imposed and live the truth of what you are feeling (and sharing) with this man. Allow this connection to take you to where you are headed, within yourself.

      Keep me posted. You have an ally. Susan

  • #40 written by Tatiana  11 months ago

    Hello everyone! My name’s Tatiana and I’m 30. People see me as a very attractive and successful woman. I look much younger than my age does it matter? I have been in two long-term relationships and both were older than me. My ex was actually 15 years older than me and it was a complete disaster. He left me before I gave birth to our child and behaved like an immature teenager throughout all our marriage, although, at the beginning, he came across as a mature, sedate, polite gentleman with a great career and a great sense of humour.
    I am on this wonderful blog in tears because I have started to date my best friend who’s 19 years old. He’s been my left shoulder throughout my pregnancy and my daughter’s first month’s of life. He has always been there for me and my child. I understand that being 19 years old makes him immature in many things and I accept that. I am myself a child under many aspects. However, I feel so guilty, sad, mortified and desperately doomed by my feelings for him. He says that age doesn’t matter and that he loves me…yes yes…how many times have I said to myself:” what can he understand of love? He’s just 19″. But at the same time I can’t stop thinking about my ex boyfriends and husband who said they loved me but it was only lies. They were not 19!God,,,,I think I may fall in love with my best friend, we have a lot in common and we know each other’s defects very well. Everyday I tell myself to stop thinking about him but it is not working. The more we see each other, the more we want to be together. Help!!!!I am drowning in a sea of anxiety, doubts, questions…THANKS SO MUCH FOR THIS BLOG!

    • #41 written by Susan Winter  10 months ago

      Dear Tatiana. I feel deeply for your inner conflict. I had a similar situation when I was 39 and my 19 year old dear friend told me he loved me. I knew that was real for him. And though I worried as to what he could possibly know about love at that age, his devotion was so compelling I found myself unable to resist such a beautiful opportunity to experience love and partnership.

      As I wrote Chelle above, I was new to a much younger man’s love and had no where to turn for guidance. I never felt guilty. I’ve always believed that allowing love to occur is a worthy enough reason, in and of itself. I was more focused on how I felt for him and the obvious problems I was taking on with his family and friends. Though he chose me and fought for us, I was cast as the villain. Not a role I like or am accustomed to being cast.

      I strongly suggest to separate your past from your present. If you continue to carry the baggage of believing a man who loves you one day will leave you the next, you’ll never allow yourself to be in a happy partnership. Not with your dear friend or another man. This is your work to do. Create a mental “line” where you cut off the past ( the fears you have about men leaving you) and step firmly into your present moment. Come to this love clean. Do it for yourself and your future.

      Create a new reality. He’s here in your life to assist you in that. That’s why he appeared. Use what life has given your to move yourself out of your past and see this man with “new eyes” and an open mind.

      Tatiana, every person who has truly loved has also experienced pain. Sorry. That’s the deal. It comes with the package. But also, GREAT JOY AND HAPPINESS. There are no guarantees in love. Ever. Love in moment to moment and day to day. And each day makes a month, and then a year. That’s the truth of if.

      I hope you take this to heart. It will serve you well to clean up your past, and your past thinking. Do it for yourself. Watch what happens. You will be amazed! Susan

  • #42 written by asmira  11 months ago

    I really enjoyed reading your blog. He is the best thing that happened to me. Perfect in every way. Cant compare him to any older guy Ive met before. His behaviour is just far away from their. Mature, open minded, quite experienced in certain ways, where I am not. He surprised me in bed! :-) I am 29 years old and pregnant with my future husband to be who is 21 :-) Its my, our first baby and I was previously married, back then doctors told me I am not able to get pregnant naturally. Now I know its about meeting the right man! I love him so much.

    • #43 written by Susan Winter  10 months ago

      I’m so happy you shared your story Asmira! This is wonderful. It will bring hope and confidence to other women who read it.

      Younger men are highly evolved due to their advanced sociological input. They are the updated “love program.” Just like our computer updates new applications, younger generations have had updated thinking and belief systems downloaded to their code of being and functioning.

      Congratulations on your new child! What a blessing this gem of a man has brought you. Sincere wishes for continued happiness! Susan

  • #44 written by Essie  11 months ago

    EXCELLENT article — exactly what I was hoping to find! I’ve been dating a man 15 years younger than me; we met in the summer of 2007. Though we’ve had our share of ups-and-downs as well as an extended “break” reminiscent of Ross & Rachel from Friends, we’re still working at a relationship. He’s one of the best friends I’ve ever had, and definitely the best male friend. More so than my own (ex) husband ever was. Neither of us have children, and we don’t want any. Someday we may make it official……

    • #45 written by Susan Winter  10 months ago

      Thanks for this Essie! Susan

  • #46 written by Susan  11 months ago

    I am 30 years older than a man I just met who is 28. My ex was 4.5 years younger than me and we got along famously but things just didn’t work out after 17 years. He was almost the one.. This new man and I are right now in the very beginning stages of attraction. I had no idea I was going to fall for him and I am very nervous! I really haven’t felt this way about anyone for over 10 years and I have dated and had a few relationships. I don’t want to hurt him but I was wondering how long I should wait until we have sex. I am dying inside! Do you think I am being too needy? We joke about it (not having sex but of our newly found crazy relationship). 30 years differerence? Is this ok?

    • #47 written by Susan Winter  10 months ago

      You are writing to me… the woman who has lived this. So, I commend you for waiting for the love to grow from the inside out. Brilliant! I can’t seem to convince modern women to do this, and you may be one of the few who is proving my point.

      The most rewarding love making happens when “WE are ready.” Not the other way around.

      You don’t seem like a needy woman to me. A needy woman wouldn’t have restraint. You seem self-possessed and sure of yourself.

      When you are really ready (inside your heart, not your body) that’s the right time. It will happen. You know that. Just savor the moments of anticipation and let it flow from you.

      Best wishes!!! This is very exciting. Susan

  • #48 written by Sarah  10 months ago

    I’m 45 n dating a man aged 25 , I’ve always been against big age differences for myself until I met him n something just clicked.
    I worry that it’s all ok now but what happens in 5-10 years time when the age gap is more noticeable .
    How do other people deal with this ?
    As I say I would never have considered dating a man 10 years younger let alone twenty years but when we met something just clicked
    I don’t want my own fears to ruin something that could possibly be good

    • #49 written by Susan Winter  10 months ago

      I understand Sarah. I’ve written a number of articles on this in the section entitled: Older Women/Younger Men. Check it out for the information you need.

      Here’s the deal. We can’t worry now about some later date. No one (of any age) is ever guaranteed love’s continuance. Not at their wedding ceremony, and not in the many stages of dating. Love is the opportunity for you to experience the love you have inside. It’s an inner allowance of you connecting with your own ability to love. It’s not goal oriented, as we’d like to believe. The goal is for you to love. Period. And with that attitude you have just liberated yourself from all these fears of the future “what-ifs.”

      About feeling older, and it being visible: he doesn’t care. It’s an “up-front buy.” When a younger man chooses an older woman, he doesn’t expect her to suddenly be 20. He can clearly see what he’s getting into. None of this matters due to content and quality. What he sees in you is what he’s not seeing in younger women. That’s your strength. That’s why he’s in your life. It’s the whole package of what you offer as a human being.

      Huge age spreads can be a head trip for all of us. I know this for myself. Ground yourself in who you are and what you bring to the table. That’s what he is seeking and why he’s attracted to you. Much younger men are the training ground of ultimate self-esteem. You are on your way to discovering your true power. Susan

  • #50 written by Wissy 10 months ago

    Ooh my god, this is so comforting to read the article and the posts. I am 38 years old and got divorced 3 years ago after 11 years of marriage to yet older but totally irresponsible husband. Had struggles after, with lots of pain. I’m a succesfull business women, known to be tough and hard working. But inside i was missing true love— truly being loved and appreciated. I met a 6 years younger man a month now and it’s a fairytale. However, inside I’m in serious fear about the talks: work talks, friends talks our family talks. Your article makes me stronger, I’ll fight for it. I deserve it. To love and to be loved unconditionally. Thanks for comforting me in my decision!

    • #51 written by Dee  10 months ago

      I am 38. I was married 11 years (with kids), separated 3 years ago, now in a relationship with a man 6 years younger – we’ve been together for almost 2 years, not living together. It was the fairy tale… for a while… until I realised he was telling me lies to make himself look more accomplished and responsible in order to stack up to my “grown-up” life and experience. I’m struggling because I fell head over heels with him… and now I am sadly, frustratingly wondering if he can ever catch to me financially, emotionally, socially. He wants babies. So do I, but I’d only have more if I felt I was with someone mature enough and responsible enough to be able to look after me and a child for the long-term – I’m too tired to do the whole working mum thing again. He is a long way off being the man who could support a family. He is a bachelor-boy child in my eyes, though I love him deeply with a passion I have not known before. What is this madness? My logical, practical mind says ditch the youngin’ and find someone who suits better, but my heart says hang-in and wait… give him time to grow and mature into the man I need and want. The problem is I don’t have years to wait for him to grow up if babies are on the cards…. I know that all sounds shallow, but I am truly torn about it. I love him. But I don’t want to find myself being ditched at 45 for a younger woman who can have babies. Your thoughts, ladies?

      • #52 written by Susan Winter  10 months ago

        Dee, your concerns are valid. You are 38. You really don’t have too much time to wait for him to gain financial and emotional stability if the discussion is one of children in the future.

        If you take “children” off the table of discussion, where do you stand with him? That seems to be your major sticking point. You have children. Would that be enough for him? You need to have a very real, and frank conversation. If he is willing to accept your children as being his, you may find yourself in a much more enjoyable position while you watch him mature.

        Please read my article called: Three Types of Men. He needs to be very clear on this issue for you to take your next move. Explain to him that this is your sticking point, and may be your deal-breaker.

        He’s been posturing himself as “more” in order to keep you. I get that. He doesn’t want to lose you.

        Here’s what you must ask yourself: Do you want more children? This factor is your choice, and not his. Never have children (or promise them) to keep a man. It will never turn out to be a satisfying choice for you, if you’ve begun with a compromise.

        Have faith. Don’t despair. He obviously loves you. And in regards to future worries about aging– forget it! He’s not thinking about it. You shouldn’t be either. Susan

  • #53 written by Activechic  10 months ago

    I have dated many younger men, and had very serious feelings for one who was 17 years younger than I was. While I agree wholeheartedly that they can enrich your life, there are several things to seriously consider. In my case, while I am considered attractive and extremely fit, I was competing with every woman from the age of 18 up. It was hard on the ego. Second, if they have not lived their life (ie: kids and marriage) if the age difference is a large, and you cannot or will not give him these things, someone is bound to get hurt. If you can keep this in mind, just dating for fun can be great. Just remember how old you’ll both be in 20 years, and make sure you can deal with that. I learned my lesson and keep the age difference under 7 years now.

    • #54 written by Susan Winter  10 months ago

      Dear Activechic, I agree with what you’ve written. When in my relationships with much younger men, I too felt keenly aware of the physical comparisons between my own physique and that of younger women. It is an ego-trip, but can be spun in a good direction. Remembering that my younger partner had other choices everyday and still wanted me, allowed me to realize it was my overall package he desired. The content as well as the external. That’s when I fully understood that what I had to offer (and what he wanted) was far more important than physical alone.

      As for children, yes. That can be a real “deal breaker.” I’ve written numerous articles on this topic. Despite an older woman not wanting to have more children, I’ve seen long-term relationships flourish. Certain men decide they want their older partner more than they want a younger woman who can give them children. Or they leave the older woman— only to discover the younger women they date can’t provided the connection they crave and feel they’ve made a horrible mistake. And sometimes both parties move on to new partners, realizing they have gained new skills for their ultimate match that are the direct result of this previous relationship.

      An age-varied partnership isn’t for everyone. It has specific issues traditional relationships do not. I think it’s wise to check in with ourselves and determine the merit of such a partnership. There are no guarantees in love, ever. But if a woman feels the man is worth her time and love, then she must listen to her heart and take a leap of faith.

      The point is to assess if this “ride” is worth taking. No one knows the final destination of their love affair. All we can do is choose wisely according to our feelings.

      thank you for your commentary, Susan

  • #55 written by illli  10 months ago

    Oh, Susan – I am so glad to have found you! I have recently been dating a guy 10 years younger and have been ok with it. We had been attracted to each other over 10 years during which he was single then married and now single again. He is very fun but I don’t really see a future, not due to the age difference, but because he is a bad boy.

    What I am concerned about is a new guy 30 years younger! He has been asking me to do stuff since I met him last fall and I never took him seriously. When we met, I thought he was in his mid thirties instead of 20, and I am told I look to be in my 30′s instead of 50, so he probably thought I was younger. I have been out with him twice but nothing physical. We are planning to spend time together this weekend and his txts are getting more and more suggestive. He is so sweet and helpful and fun, not to mention totally hot. It just blows my mind! I am truly old enough to be his mother! He txts me all day long. I want to be open to this but it scares me! I’m sure it is just for sex, which I can understand and is flattering, but I’m worried about liking him to much and becoming attached, especially if I sleep with him! Yikes!!! Any feedback will be greatly appreciated. Illi

    • #56 written by Susan Winter  10 months ago

      HI Illi. Here’s your chance to figure out what’s going on. Since you’ll be spending time with him, ask the questions you need answered. Ask him what he’s looking for. Get very clear on this point. The great thing about younger men is that they are often times very “straight up and honest.” Then, depending on his answers take some time to sift out your feelings.

      I’ve done the 30 year difference. It’s well beyond my comfort zone for all the reasons you give. Some women are okay with this. But they are also wanting different things from the man.

      You must clearly know what you want to experience. Then, get very clear on what he wants to experience with you.

      You are correct in being concerned. Most women need to ask these questions no matter the man’s age.

      Let me know what you’ve discovered after you have “the talk.” Good luck! Susan

  • #57 written by nicole t.  10 months ago

    my husband is only 3 years younger then me. I thought that was bad. However, we have been married for 6 years.I never was into dating younger men. They are always the ones pursuing me. I have learned though that age is just a number and love can not be defined by age.

    • #58 written by Susan Winter  10 months ago

      Love this! Thanks Nicole. You are restating Leslie’s comments, above. You didn’t see it coming. But when he pursued you, the end result is a loving 6 year marriage. CONGRATULATIONS!

      To you, for moving past your inner limitations. And to your husband, for having the insight to know his true when he met you. Susan

  • #59 written by Susan Winter  10 months ago

    Leslie, thank you for sharing this with my readers. It’s really important to set the record straight:
    YOUNGER MEN PURSUE US.

    In all the hundreds of couples I’ve interviewed, the woman didn’t initiate the pursuit. The younger man did. So here is where we need to reeducate society.

    There are growing numbers of younger men who are seeking “content and quality.” They are actively seeking out older women to attain these characteristics. They don’t care about age differences. They want depth, confidence and power. They are attracted to women who know themselves, and are clear on their personal goals and life choices.

    I’m thrilled that you wrote me, to bring up this very important issue. YOUNGER MEN PURSUE US. It’s rarely the other way around. Thank you for this Leslie! Susan

  • #60 written by Dr. C.  10 months ago

    Wow… I am dating and absolutely loving a man that is 7 years younger…. 39 and 32….. I was a little apprehensive at first but the feeling quickly passed… I was married to a man 2 years older in age but mentally he stopped at about 19 so I thought why not????? This is MOST accurate account of an older woman/younger man relationship that I have EVER read… you NAILED IT!!!!

    • #61 written by Susan Winter  10 months ago

      HI there Dr. C. You’ve helped to prove a point. Some men mature, other’s don’t. Just because they’re young doesn’t mean they aren’t evolved. And just because they’re older doesn’t mean they have a clue as to what’s going on.

      Life provides new input and requires a continual revision of what we “believe to be true.” If we aren’t questioning our new input, assessing it, and allowing it to expand our thinking— then we aren’t growing.

      I’m glad you found your way to this site, and happy that you have found a man who is on the same page. Wishing you both much happiness! Susan

  • #62 written by Dr. C.  10 months ago

    Thank you!

  • #63 written by Veronica  10 months ago

    I am a 44 yr old female in love and dating a 31 yr old gentlemen the past year. We met several years ago in the military. I was 37, he 23 and too young I found out. We dated and ended up, rather. I end up not seeing or speaking to him for 7 years till he reached out to me a year ago. I can seriously say, this man is my soul mate. We have our problems. He is still trying to establish himself and sometimes I feel downright upset having to pay for most of our adventures/trips. But, he does what he can. He adores me to no end, has introduce to his family-they do not know my age- only one brother does and I have introduce him to my family and friends, which is a problem. Most think he is too young and using me. I have two grown children 23 and 26. My 26 yr old son is not comfortable with the relationship. He has no children and does not want any. He has many….too many nieces, nephews, etc. and involve in their lives.
    of course the sex is great, but at my age, I can do without, a totally different story for him. He cannot get enough of me. I am trying to hold on to this as long as I can. I fear that once his mom and sister know my age, there will be problems that eventually he cannot handle. For now. I will love him and let him love me back

    • #64 written by Susan Winter  10 months ago

      Veronica, it seems there are 2 submissions here from you. Both are similar. In this entry you site the extended family that’s way too involved in his life. Remember, it’s his life. They are entitled to their opinions but cannot and should not tell him what to do. Read my response to the bulk of your other entry. All is well. Have faith, Susan

  • #65 written by Susan Winter  10 months ago

    Hi Veronica. A young man at 31 hasn’t had the time to get “up and running” financially. You know from experience the material benefits of older men, along with their tendency to control a much younger woman due to that fact. Not all older men do this of course, but some do. It seems like the older men you’ve known seem to use this default while adding jealousy to the mix.

    Firstly, you’ve found a man who really cares about you. That is huge! And it’s worth fighting for. It seems like your 2 big issues are financial inequality and the opinion of others regarding the age difference.

    1. Financial differences: If he’s motivated, hungry and ambitious you will be okay. If he’s confused, lazy and complaining you have a problem. Which type of man is he? Ask yourself that question. Does he seem like the kind of guy who is “trying” to advance himself? If your answer is yes, relax. Let time fill in the blanks. All will be well.

    2. Age discrimination by others: big issue for them, that becomes a big issue for us. We have laws that protect individual rights in race and sexual orientation. Unfortunately, no laws currently exist to protect older women from being harassed, judged and vilified for loving their younger men. If such laws did exist, 90% of my former suburban community would have been charged with a crime. I feel for you. That’s why I wrote the book. That’s why I speak out. That’s why I write these articles and that’s why I support you.

    From one who’s lived a life being the front-line infantry of this issue, stay strong. If your younger man continually has your back, speaks up for you (and your love)— you will be fine. The burden isn’t on you Veronica. The burden is on society to advance their thinking.

    He’s not a child. He’s a younger man who’s smart enough to love you. You can’t both hate and love him for what he is. Allow him to mature in the warmth of your love. You will in time see exactly what you have here. Susan

  • #66 written by Jana  10 months ago

    I have read your blog, amazing. I am 40 year old, married with one child. My husband is 10 years older than I am and when I met him, he ran his own business, servicing cars. Then suddenly he quit within one day (he said he didn’t enjoy it anymore), which had big implications for me. I made it clear right from the start that children were on the cards which meant to have a man who can look after me and the kids. What followed? I gave a birth to my daughter and was back to full time job before I knew. He has an online business which doesn’t make much money so it means I am at work and literally hand over my salary so we can keep the house for which we took a massive mortgage (his choice). In the last 2 years I lost both my parents so I really feel lonely and lost any hopes things will change as I live in a foreign country. Last year I met a my former work mate who confided in me that he always had a crush on me. He is 10 years younger and the attraction was instant. He gives me all the emotional support I need and I am so surprised by his maturity, so much different from my husband who is at home all the time, declines any opportunity to find a job and there is always an excuse why he cannot do it. I am seriously thinking of leaving him for various reasons. This young man has opened my eyes. Like me, he has no parents yet has to look after himself. My husband’s parents live nextdoor, he really is wrapped up comfortably yet he suffers from a depression and refuses to help me earn more money. Sadly, I don’t see him as my man anymore this young man’s replaced him. I’ve never had a younger man but from what I can see he is everything you have described in your blog.

    • #67 written by Susan Winter  9 months ago

      To my readers:

      I responded to Jana personally. Her situation had far greater difficulties than listed here. Through a series of consultations we got a ‘game plan’ to assist her on each issue she faced. As all my client work is confidential I can only share the basics of advice I’d give to this type of question.

      If you are currently married and share a mutual attraction to another (age-varied or not), the first order of business is to either rectify your marriage, or end it. I don’t advise beginning a relationship with someone while you are currently married. The problems are far too great and can ruin a perfectly good future relationship.

      In Jana’s case, she is the sole breadwinner. That’s a good position to be in should a woman need to divorce a man she no longer loves, and a husband who refuses to work or contribute to the home-life in any manner. If you feel you’ve come to the end of your marriage, seek a divorce lawyer to direct you as to your options and give you a sense of your new financial reality.

      As a relationship expert, I spend the bulk of my time helping my clients to rekindle the love they’ve lost, and to work through their issues. Rarely would I suggest separation. But there are times when a client to so unhappy and overburdened by a partner unwilling to do anything to save the marriage, there is no other course. Susan

  • #68 written by Leigh01  9 months ago

    I have the same situation as many of your fans here, I’m married with a guy 7yrs younger than me for like 8yrs now. It was fun at first but then it went downhill after a year being married and he doesn’t want a kid. I’ve been asking for a kid for those 8yrs and he kept putting it off. I’m 40now & he is still not ready. I’m tired of waiting so I stopped asking or initiate the love making. I came to my senses just recently that I don’t want this anymore. So, I told him that I’m leaving bec of no effort on having kids and bec of his drinking habits. He then realised I’m not kidding of leaving him, he kept asking me to give him another chance. I told him that I’ve given him 8yrs of my time and now that I’m sick and tired of waiting, I don’t think giving him another chance will change him. While in the marriage tho’, I met this younger guy who’s 20yrs old from Norway (sports online), we both love football(soccer) and we both love the same team. We became friends and then the chatting became constant like everyday. He made me feel so alive and so thrilled about life. He recently told me that he loves me and that he wanted to spend the rest of his life with me. I think he is sincere (we’ve been talking for 3mos now) about his words and he would love to move down here with me after 2years(graduating as comp science). He made me feel so special and told me that he never felt this way before. He knows what consequences are but he don’t care as he loves me so much. We haven’t met each other and only thru skype we see each other and talk there. I realised also that I think I love this guy. I know that I’m still married but sparks no longer there and that too many chances that he blew. I care about my husband but I just don’t know if I will ever be the same as happy before or be miserable because I stayed with him giving him that chance and because i feel sorry for him. On the other hand, this 20yrs old guy are willing to do everything for me and told me all his dreams with me and even having kids with me. He knows my age and he doesnt care (by the way, he thought I was 25 and when he found out im 40, he was stunned). I have an airfare to visit him this month but my husband soon to be ex, still at my place and still waiting for me to change my mind of giving him another chance. All in my mind is I’ve given him 8yrs and nothing happen.
    I really like and love this 20yrs old guy, but I just don’t know what to do. Everytime I talk to him, he always makes me smile and make me feel good about myself. I wanted to go on and still visit him but I’m afraid I’m making the wrong decision.

    • #69 written by Susan Winter  9 months ago

      Hi Leigh01. Actually, this is a ‘normal’ problem and has nothing to do with age. I know guys in their 30′s and 40′s who agreed to children as a part of the marriage design with their wives, and back-stepped their way through decades of marriage.

      You have 2 problems: your current husband doesn’t want children and (it seems) may have a drinking problem. Neither is age-related. These are real problems that can destroy any marriage.

      My advice: I agree with you that 8 years is enough time for a man to step-up or not. It’s enough time to assess his willingness to be the man he promised he’d be for us. Words, at this point, have no meaning.

      If you feel what you have is over for you (inside) and you’re not trusting your husband to make good on the marriage agreement— I would leave.

      Please keep in mind this new man also has a ‘waiting period’ of 2 years. Knowing him online is different than living with him. First, clear your life of what’s not working. Then, explore what does work. You may want to consider freezing your eggs. I have friends who have done this to allow them time to establish themselves in a relationship without the “time” pressure.

      Wishing you well Leigh01. Keep in touch. Thank you for your comment, Susan

  • #70 written by blossom  9 months ago

    i am 19 years old and i am very found of a guy who’s 17. know this might sound funny, but i feel like a queen beside him and that is very important to me, because every guy i have dated was my age and older and they didn’t respect me at all. they were always giving hints about my weight, about my clothes, about my make up. I hated the fact that i wasn’t being appreciated at all. I gave them all my love and it turned out to be a disaster. I love spending time with him, but every time he kisses me or holds my hand i think about the fact that i am going to study in university and he will be stuck in school for another two years. Please help me, I like him and he just adores and loves me dearly. I have to make a decision and i don’t know what should i do. i really don’t want to hurt him, because i have been hurt for far many times..

    • #71 written by Susan Winter  9 months ago

      Hi Blossom. Firstly, let me commend you on your ethics. I feel like I hammer women to remember to be kind and fair to their younger men— to recall the callous men who have hurt them in the past and not punish their younger man for the faults of the older men they’ve known. So, kudos to you.

      This is a conversation you’ll have to have with your guy. In detail. Ask him how he’d like to handle it? Would he rather be with you now, knowing you’ll soon leave for college? Or, would he prefer to stop it now? (I already know his answer). But here’s the thing: the choice is his to love you. He knows that being separated from you can hurt. But that’s his “call,” and if he tells you “yes” then you may proceed without guilt.

      Love never comes with a guarantee. Love is something we choose to feel regardless of the hurt we may encounter. So get rid of the guilt, future fears and current fears. Though young, he’s a big boy. Love is worth the effort and the cost. Let him decide.

      And for you, begin having in-depth conversations as to what may work for both of you moving forward. Can you visit each other on weekends? What’s the design of what you have: monogamy? dating others? open or committed relationship? Go over each aspect. Blossom, it’s not what happens that hurts us as much as the broken promises we were given. Imagine a realistic view of your college life. Does he fit into that? Do you want to continue seeing him when in college? Do you want to end it? Ask yourself the hard questions. It’s only when we offer a false image of what to expect, does our partner get truly hurt.

      Susan

  • #72 written by Mirtha  9 months ago

    I’m currently in a relationship with a man that’s 35 years old I’m 50 we love each other very much .i get so nervous about our age differences.he gets upset every time I mention it he say age is nothing but a number he wants to get married.What shall I do

    • #73 written by Susan Winter  9 months ago

      Dear Mirtha. It’s only a 15 year difference. For me, that’s hardly an issue (having been involved with men significantly younger than that). From one who’s loved and been loved by much younger men, I think the only problem is in your head. You are obviously more concerned about age, than your younger man.

      Now, the real question is: Do you want to marry, at all? And if you do, is he the man you want to marry? Carefully consider this question.

      If you are happy with him and would like to marry, why don’t you speak at length about what you want to create together and how your envision your life, lifestyle and future goals. Many women long for this tangible form of commitment. Just know what you need, and how you need it.

      If you like things the way they are, let him know of your ongoing commitment to him. Perhaps live together first and see how your fair day-to-day.

      Mirtha, your “problem” is another woman’s deepest desire and a dream come true. A man who loves you, wants to marry you, and he’s younger!

      Please consider the questions you need to ask yourself about moving toward marriage with this man. You will have your answer. Leave age out of the equation as it has no bearing on your love. Don’t futurize problems of you getting older. Younger men know you’re older and don’t care. They know what they’re getting into, and wouldn’t offer to sign up for the long-haul if they had any reservations.

      Thank you for your post, Susan

  • #74 written by Anon 9 months ago

    What a fab-u-lous blog!

    2 years ago I was happily married (my husband was 6 yrs older, together 20 years, married 10) with a lovely 3 year old son and a baby on the way. Without rhyme or reason, my husband did not come home one night and it was later found he had take his own life :0(. Needless to say the journey since has been traumatic one.

    I have recently started to take notice of a co-worker who is very 11 years younger than me. He’s lovely in lots of ways, single and no children……and has made me realise I wasn’t looking after myself properly. I am not looking for a relationship right now as much the potential that someone can bring back my sparkle. I personally feel a connection with him, but is that just wishful thinking?

    I’ve not made it known that he gives me butterflies and am not sure what I would do if he did like me. I’ve been out of the dating scene so long.

    • #75 written by Susan Winter  9 months ago

      Dear Anon, I am so sorry for your loss. That’s a huge life transition and you seem to be handling it “text book perfectly.” It’s completely understandable to need to take time to regroup and reassess your life and priorities. It seems as though you’ve used these two years wisely and now you are ready to bloom again.

      I have to admit that I’m enjoying the fact that a younger man is bringing back your “sparkle.” Young men will do that. They seem to have the perfect qualities to reignite our Mojo, make us remember we are vibrantly alive, and open the pathways to feelings of ‘pleasure.’ It seems as though you are handling his presence in the right way, for now. You are allowing his input to start your engine again. It may be that that is his sole purpose, or it may lead to more.

      A wise and very hot young guy recently reminded me of the basics about men. He said, “Susan, you have to understand how we’re built. Nothing is for nothing. If we want to help you with your car, fix something in your house, or offer any type of aid… we like you. If we ask to assist you in any form, it means we’re interested.”

      Now, some people will argue, “Oh no. He’s just being kind and gentlemanly.” But men tend to be self-focused in nature. When they turn their attention to a female, they are attracted to her.

      If you’re getting butterflies, he probably is too. First, ask yourself what you’d like to have happen? In a best-case scenario how would you like this to play out? Be very clear on who and what he would be to you and for you. Then, go about your day-to-day business. See him and interact with him. If things heat up and advance, read all the articles on this site under Older Women/Younger Men. Write me again, and we’ll take it step by step.

      Welcome back to your new life! Susan

  • #76 written by ali  9 months ago

    I loved this article&your replies were similar to the way I’ve been feeling about a 26 year old male and I am a 36 year old female. I have known him for abt a year and a half&i have been interested in him for abt 5 months. I didn’t realize that I really liked him until he invited me out to lunch but then started hesitating on the lunch times. Finally face to face he told me he had just met this 20 year old girl&she is already wanting to move in with him! He said he had worries about her moving so fast&then there are signs that he does more for her than she does for him. I finally had the guts to tell him I would take him in a heartbeat and he shouldn’t settle. The reasons I fell for him were that I know he’s faithful he knows I’m faithful because we both met when we were in a relationship&i would just see him at a restaurant he worked at&all we did was talk. When we talk it is about deeper things and I noticed the 40 year old even 30 year old men I’d been dating were so afraid of getting hurt that they lie, cheat, and play mind games. I wondered if his parting would be an issue but I noticed he had control of himself to at least know how he’s feeling and talk about it unlike other oolder men that just have used me&taken their problems out on me& still drink etc but act like they have no clue what they are thinking or feeling. This guy has explored religion like me we have the same tastes& I can’t explain it but I always got a uncomfortable feeling around the others but around him I am calm. No worries and he makes me laugh. He also doesn’t have children issues, child support, ex wife issues etc like the others. He may not have a house but I have noticed most of these divorced men loose their houses in the divorces&end up in apartments and I have a house so I don’t care. I have noticed he is in control of his finances more than the older guys& he is very mature for his age. I told him what I thought about him I know he has a girlfriend but he comes to me for advice. He has the same concerns about her I do even though I’m biased bc I do want him I know problems that arise in the first 2 months just get worse& if she turns out being great for him I’m happy for him but I don’t think he’s happy or he wouldn’t be texting me. I told him to go with your gut and that most girls don’t move that fast and women don’t really know who they are until their 30s at least I didn’t and I’m still learning. I have since met other younger men and their outlook is different. They are more respectful etc. My ex husband was very abusive so I think the old school mind set does scare me. I think you guys have helped confirm my feelings towards this. Also sexually the “older man better in bed thing” not true! I’ve been w younger& older it doesn’t matter its about whether or not they desire to please you! That is what makes them quality lovers. My only screw up with this guy was thinking it would never work or he wouldn’t want me because of my age while all along he was trying to drop me hints. I tried to “keep it friends”
    and light so I wouldn’t get hurt emotionally but in the end he was trying to drop hints&i wasn’t catching them. I lost him to a girl and because he is very dedicated he will try&try to make it work-i know him. So ladies don’t let the age thing stop you and risk loosing a great man. I do believe if God wants us to be together we will I just made it harder on myself by doubts&fears. I hate to say it but I feel like I could love this man because he has the heart I want. I don’t wish ill for his present girlfriend nor will I be immature& try to cause them problems but I could have him spending nights w me right now instead of being single again getting older day by day lol. I think I fell in love but was too afraid to get hurt. So wish me luck as I really care about him but have to do it from afar. I almost cried when he told me about her! That told me I was missing his subtle hints and he was being a polite perfect gentleman towards me. I did let him know I’d take him in a heartbeat and he complimented my heart and hesitated to tell me about her. I messed up because I was afraid of the age difference so if you are on the fence because of that&he’s attractive don’t do what I did! Or you could loose him. Then end up sad. I want to tell him I love him bc like I said I trust him and he was more to me than sex. That was good too and I miss it. He told me the other day that he valued my heart and knew I was faithful and very committed to a relationship. Also he said he valued communication and a real partnership. All things I value. He’s a good guy I just hope I didn’t loose him. Moral of the story and sorry its so long is don’t be afraid, go with your gut, younger guys like older women because they know we can treat them right and be committed& we will give them space and less drama then girls! We tend to have it together more&that alone is sexy to them. Plus we still look good if a younger man wants us so that’s our common thread. I think we help boost their ego too because they feel more like a man. I just hope this one will still be available for me because I’m in love with him but was too afraid to tell him. Don’t be afraid if it feels right and signs of abuse aren’t there go for it!

    • #77 written by Susan Winter  9 months ago

      WOW! What a fantastic letter. I’m hoping all my readers take this in, because it’s true. Thank you Ali. You’ve stated (from the heart and from personal experience) the many great things we know about younger men. And, you’ve also nailed the issue that’s our downfall: we question the possibility of real love due to our age and his.

      You are taking the high road here. Though it can hurt, it will serve you well in the future. Your younger “friend” relies on you to be truthful. He won’t forget that if and when this romance breaks down. For now, step back. He’s young. She’s desperate to hook a good one. Her pushing will eventually get on his nerves. You may need to keep busy as he is loyal to whom ever he’s with and as you noted, will probably try to give it a go in ernest. Get out, get busy, and trust. Trust yourself, trust him, trust what you have with him and trust Life.

      Okay. You didn’t pick up the cues. I’m sure he was subtle. You didn’t have this on your radar. It was a new and unknown option. So before you go on beating yourself up, I must say this. You played it right. Yes. For where you were in your thinking, you weren’t open to the idea of real partnership with a younger man. Not at the time. Given that, you would have been “off.” You would have been in, while out. Fighting yourself and questioning him. Saying yes, then wondering no.

      Here’s the good thing that happened. Now you’re clear. Now, you have no hesitation. Now, you know it’s possible. No conflict, no internal confusion. When you do reconnect with him as a single guy it’s all Green Light Go.

      What you thought was your downfall is your current clarity. This is a good thing. Susan

  • #78 written by Winter Texan  8 months ago

    I am in a committed relationship with a man 40 years my junior. We started as friends and when he wanted to take the relationship to the next level I admit I struggled internally with the age difference in a “romantic” context. We got over that hurdle, and although there are times I wonder why I’m the “chosen one” there is not a day goes by that I don’t realized how blessed I am to have this honest, loyal; accountable; transparent and loving man in my life….one with no [emotional] baggage and who is of a far more mature generation than men closer to my age. When we interact – there is no such thing as age.

    • #79 written by Susan Winter  8 months ago

      Dear Winter Texan, this is a wonderful comment. Women who fret about a 15 or 20 year difference really need to hear this. Your age difference is on the extreme end of the bell curve and yet you’ve given yourself “permission” to love this much younger man. Bravo! The fortitude and inner strength required to enter this type of age-varied partnership tells me that you’re allowing Life to bring you the partner who’s perfect for you, without editing ‘how that should look’ to the outside world. You’ve overcome the social tapes of “appropriate partner selection” and you’re living your truth. Wow. That’s huge. Thank you for sharing your story! Susan

  • #80 written by Alice 8 months ago

    Susan, your blog post was just what I needed to read. It really spoke to me and helped me banish some of the negative thoughts its so easy to feel as an older woman looking to enter into a relationship with a younger guy. I am in a bit of a predicament however I do not feel unhappy about it-I feel excited about what could happen…
    I am 26 years old and have been in a loveless relationship for many years. Our mutual families anticipate we should be getting married and having kids about now but I have always been too career focused. He is 30 and probably would have asked me to marry him if I hadn’t of said I wasn’t ready.
    So throw into the mix a guy at work, who is 6 yrs my junior. We have known each other for a number of years and I’ve seen him mature as he’s gone in and out of other relationships. There has always been a deep connection between us, but it was never possible to think anything could realistically happen. Anyway, now it has and it seems we’ve both been waiting for the same thing. He is deep, emotional, intellectual, caring, loving and everything my current man is not.
    I’m preparing to leave my partner, not specifically to become an item with the younger guy, but to become free to explore new possibilities. My main concern is my career and how people will see the relationship at work. I can’t imagine the match would go down too well with the company (although I could be wrong and no one would care!) and it would be very hard to keep it a secret. Ultimately though, I feel the risk is worth it because I am just a different kind of happy around him!

    • #81 written by Susan Winter  8 months ago

      Hi Alice. In addressing the concern of how your company and workmates will view you, I need to remind you that the difference is only 6 years. If this younger man didn’t work with you, it would have little impact on your colleague’s opinion. Workplace relationships can be tricky in general. The open admission of being involved is often against company policy. So check out your company’s rules on that one.

      I applaud you for leaving your current situation for “you” rather than “for him.” That’s always the correct motivation. After you’ve reviewed your company’s policy, you will know how to proceed. If you do enter a relationship with your younger man, it’s always good to keep quiet about your day-to-day interactions and relationship issues. That’s the enticing gossip that stirs up office gossip. Any little tidbit of information can be twisted to become a great drama. You’ll have to live through it on a daily basis. Proceed with caution. Keep a tight lip, and both of you must keep your professional relationship looking “professional.”

      Making yourself happy sometimes means breaking a few “socially acceptable” rules. If our partner deviates from the standards of social appearance, there’s a price to pay. But here’s where the ‘wonderful stuff’ occurs. As you live your expanded truth (in loving the person you choose), society is forced to amend their limitations of what is appropriate. In the end, all benefit.

      Think this through: Check the corporate policy. Get a game plan. Set the game plan with your younger man. Clear your past with your former partner. Proceed with confidence, faith and optimism. Susan

  • #82 written by samantha  8 months ago

    Wow. I commend everyone on this site….thank you all for the comments. I am falling for someone 9 years younger than me….hes a teenager! 18…! I felt disgusting. Coo coo cachoo. At firat it was a physical thing…then it hasnt stopped. Susan your article is so right when you say that younger men are suprising in pleasant ways. I have told my partner that I did not want to steal his youth…and I said he needs to go experience the craziness of becoming an adult…party and have meaningless sex. And he told me hes had enough meaningless sex…(and yes hes been with way more ppl than me) then he said I wouldnt be stealing anything from him bc he wants to share it with me….and my daughter. He had a very very hard childhood that I think forced him to be enlightenend and mature but to also want nothing more than to have a real loving family with a woman. Idk….ive dated older guys and my partner now is more mature and wayyyyy more sexually satisfying fun and sweet. Seriously thank you for your blog. Makes me feel so good and confident about throwing caution to the wind and saying to hell with social ‘norms’

    • #83 written by Susan Winter  8 months ago

      Hi Samantha. It’s amazing how mature younger men are becoming these days. Even an 18 year-old (legal age for consensual involvement) can possess the wisdom of a much older soul. I truly see this as an evolutionary marker. In my casual conversations with very young men, they “get me” in a way that same aged men don’t. The progress of greater social understanding has been passed on to younger generations. They are the direct beneficiaries of our accumulated psychological and emotional awareness. This factor allows younger men to see women in a different (and augmented) light.

      Anyone who is living their truth is saying to the world “to hell with social norms.” To choose the one you want to love and shake free of society’s limitations is the true freedom one experiences when living an authentic life. An authentic life won’t look like any one else’s life. It will be uniquely yours.

      Samantha, you are embarking on an incredible journey of personal liberation. At the end of the day… none of this is about him. It’s about you. He’s come as the precious, loving ‘vehicle’ that draws you toward your truth and fuels your inner spirit to achieve its mission here. An expanded you is the end-product of this love affair. That, my dear Samantha, will be yours to keep forever. Susan

  • #84 written by Emma  8 months ago

    I’m a 37 year old woman that’s with a 22 year old man. We are very much in love. After 2 years together, it’s as wonderful as it’s always been. I’m a young 37 and he can keep up with all the things that I want to do, surfing, snowboarding etc. Men my age are only interested in how much money they make and whether or not a female looks like a Barbie doll. My sweet young guy loves that fact that I’m a real woman and don’t pretend to be something I’m not.
    I’ve never felt that I’m filling some mommy roll for him. He supports himself and makes his own decisions. He is a wonderful human, loving and genuinely caring. I wouldn’t trade him for anything.

    • #85 written by Susan Winter  8 months ago

      Emma, what a great post. You’ve just stated the facts I know to be true regarding younger men vs. traditional older men. The younger men are more inclusive in how they see women. They don’t want a card-board cut-out version of a women to put on their arm. All the younger men I’ve interviewed and known who prefer older women say they are attracted to our authenticity, power and confidence. They don’t want a woman who’s playing games, hot and cold, and unsure of what she wants. Younger men love our honesty and direct approach to relationships. It makes the job of boyfriend or husband so much easier!

      The whole “mommy” thing is a remnant of the past lack of understanding society had on this type of romantic model. I was assaulted with that belief for years by narrow-minded journalists and TV hosts who were looking for “some form of understanding” as to why a younger man would prefer an older woman. They fully believed there had to be a motive afoot. In their lack of insight, they assumed there was a manipulative factor on the part of a woman that held control over a young man. They assumed the young men were benefiting financially or in some other form. This myth is slowly subsiding. Little by little society is catching up with reality.

      Good for you, and good for your younger man! Every time we hear the voices of those who shatter these myths, we add to the advancement of society’s greater understanding and sense of inclusion. My very best to the both of you, Susan

  • #86 written by bigheart  8 months ago

    I was really glad to find this discussion. I am only attracted to younger guys. I am hardwired this way… When I was 26 I was with an 18 year old and we stayed together for 6 years. Then when I was 34 I was with a 21 year old we were together for 3 years…….at 36 I was with a 22 year old and we married and had 2 children and we were together for 5 years. (Dating younger in between relationships) All but the last relationship were broken up due to problems with family and friends…stresses of the age difference…it was not accepted then.. I choose to not date for a period of time because I knew I only liked younger men and did not want problems for my children. At the present…… I have been dating young men mid to late twenties and I am now 54 and feeling quite lonely. I have found that I have no trouble having sexual relationship with young men and younger men find me very attractive, however, I am having trouble finding someone who really wants a long term relationship. I never had this problem before and usually I was the one to commit last. I am wondering if it is because I am 54 now? I can find men up to about 32 attractive and interesting…I fit nicely with a younger man…always have…but I am wondering if I am going to find my love at this age?? Sex and friendship is not enough I need to love and be loved.

    • #87 written by Susan Winter  8 months ago

      Hi Bigheart. I hear you. It’s a different story as we get older. What was once acceptable can now seem like work. I’ve realized my former boyfriends would now be in their late 30′s and early 40′s. Whole new ball game. And I too, have taken a huge time-out from dating to catch up to my new and evolving needs.

      Though I still go out to dinner and allow myself to be courted by men in their 20′s, there’s no way I’d want that age gap now for a committed partnership. Part of this process is ‘adjusting one’s eyes.’ Having had 23 years of being with much younger men I now find I’m noticing men a decade older than those I’d have formally dated. But I had to work at it. I had to train myself to notice “younger men who were older.”

      At 54, I’d suggest you begin to notice men in their late 30′s and early 40′s. I know it will seem odd at first. Begin by ‘just noticing.’ Nothing more than that. You will increase your radar to allow for a greater variety of prospective partners.

      Love comes to those of all ages. There’s no limitation as a woman ages. But there is an increased sense of “wants” and “don’t wants.” As women age they have less patience for a man’s confusion; as mature women know exactly what they want, and won’t accept anything less. It may seem (in this moment of time) as though there are fewer possible choices for your desire to love and be loved. True. BUT, the men who do come into your sight are much more clarified and detailed in terms of their perfection for your needs. While fewer in numbers they are better in terms of real connection. The field may have narrowed but your clearer on what you want and need. Correspondingly, the men who show up are reflecting that increased awareness.

      Bigheart, it’s not a numbers game. It’s a clarity game. Use this time to refocus on the exact things you want. Then, watch who shows up.

      All the best! Susan

  • #88 written by Goobie 8 months ago

    I think most older women are fooling themselves if they think what they will be doing is “dating” a younger man. I’m an extremely youthful 46 year old woman & can pass for early/mid 30′s most of the time. However once a man finds your age, the experience will be “sex.” They won’t be bringing you out with their friends, their mom’s house for the holidays. I find same problem as many women, I generally am not physically attracted to many of men in my age, but I do try very hard. So when not available, if I had to choose between a pot bellied commitment phobe in his 50′s , I choose the cute younger guy. But it’s never dating; I’ve had it implied that I’m the one to book nice “hotels” so we could have fun. I’ve worked hard my entire life; for once I’d really like a man to be the one that goes out of his way to treat me special. It’s still a man’s world, the 20 year old is choosing you because you are a novelty; when he’s 40 he will be looking for the 20 year old. I’ve experienced it on both sides. Make men work for the sex- no matter your age. Let them treat you like a lady outside before they get to have you like a whore in the bedroom.

    • #89 written by Susan Winter  8 months ago

      Hi Goobie. I’m sorry that this has been your experience. It hasn’t been mine. I’m not saying every younger man I’ve dated has ended up in a committed partnership. Some dating scenarios fizzled out long before that was established. But, in the 23 years I’ve been with much younger men I’ve been the solidly established girlfriend. I’ve met the friends, family, done Christmas with his relatives, etc. So, I do know that this can be one’s experience regardless of a lady’s age.

      I believe your current reality is one that you can change. If you believe what you’ve experienced is “the truth,” then it’s hard to experience anything more than that. Very young men can and do commit to older women. I know this because I’ve lived it. And they can and do include their older partner in every facet of their life, including their inner circle of family and friends.

      I guess, for me, I don’t want it any other way. So, I start every encounter with that goal in mind. If a young man doesn’t want to do that with me, I don’t want him. Young, hot, sexy men are a dime a dozen. Those factors don’t do it for me. I’m not saying casual sex or a fling is wrong or bad. It’s our right and our choice. Personally, I don’t have the type of disposition to want that type of affair (though I know many women who do). Without being honored and adored there’s nothing that could make me desire a man or stick around for the sex. Regardless of his age or mine.

      I agree with you about the paltry choice in older men, especially those who insist on youth and beauty over a woman closer to their own age. When I meet an older man who values content I often find myself attracted to him as well. To shun him due to age would be hypocritical.

      I’d ask you to try a little experiment. Put in your mind the “possibility” of another outcome. If you’re tired of what your getting and want more, put that scenario in your mind. It will feel odd at first due to your beliefs about younger men not wanting a fully committed partnership. But, even as a lark… just try it. Do it for a month. Dream it. Think it. Believe it. Then, write to me.

      Let me know if anything has shifted in your outer reality. Are younger men more adoring? More inclined to introduce you to their friends? Please give yourself the chance to try this. You have nothing to lose and everything to gain. Life (and people) will respond to us as we believe.

      Our beliefs about what is possible, create the seemingly impossible. I do know this to be true. I’d ask you to allow more into your life, if indeed that’s what you want. Be detailed and specific and watch the world unfold before you eyes. Susan

  • #90 written by kelly  8 months ago

    I am currently in a relationship with a man 16 years younger. I’m 40, he’s 24. we met when he was 16,there was an instant connection but remained friends for years. 5 years later my ex divorced me and through mutual friends he contacted me. we have been together for 3 years. we are madly in love. he is the greatest love and I’m captivated by him and the many ways he loves me. we will be married in a couple of months.

    • #91 written by Susan Winter  8 months ago

      Hi Kelly. This is great to hear. I’m thrilled that Life has brought you both back together. Congratulations on your upcoming marriage!!! Susan

  • #92 written by chichi  8 months ago

    Help…I screwed up..beautiful young man. I think I hurt him. Now. He wont answer.

    • #93 written by Susan Winter  8 months ago

      Hi Chichi. Oh dear. Sorry to hear this. I don’t have any details so all I can say is if you really care for him you may have to make sure everything in your life is in order. Whatever the former issues to “hurt him” should be taken care of and amended on your part (if possible). Sometime you need to play the “long game.” To look over a period of time to prove your consistency. That what you say is what you can indeed do. And that all obstacles are removed in your life to move forward. Keep me posted, Susan

  • #94 written by Speranza  7 months ago

    I am so glad I found you Susan!!

    I’m 53, had a 20 year marriage to a gay guy (and yes I knew, and yes, I loved him and miraculously, yes we had kids!) I took a year after the marriage just to spend time on me, then realised I needed longer. Just as I was going to get back into dating one of my daughters got very ill and that took 7 years out of both our lives…

    Eventually I tried internet dating. I gave it my best shot. And – this won’t be news to you – all the guys my age seemed so OLD!!! My Ex was 9 years older – and by then was dating guys younger than our daughters! Eek! LOL (We are good friends, we laugh about it).

    Anyway my daughters (now in their mid-late 20s) have been telling me for a very long time that I needed a younger guy. I kept attracting older men – very MUCH older – the oldest guy I went to lunch with was 78 (so he said, he may have been older!) but he was so charming and persistent that I couldn’t say no any longer, but it was JUST one lunch (although he would have liked dessert! LOL)

    I began a couple of years ago to get into the Law of Attraction and realised I went around saying “Only old guys are interested in me” – I challenged myself to change this. Although I have to say, I did think older men were younger than the 40 – 50 year olds… sense of fun, twinkle in the eye…

    I realised that younger men also had these qualities, and that some are in fact already past the child stage.

    I am on Twitter and one young guy was really supportive recently – I’ve had a horrible work situation. I finally picked up that he was flirting too, and we have taken it onto text/email. I’ve realised he seems to be quite serious about pursuing it. I assumed he would have loads of interest (I think he probably does) but he seems to be very much into me.

    Now – 20 years with a gay guy and 5 months with another man who was very sweet but not great in bed… that’s it! So I am definitely not Mrs Robinson material in the bedroom. I want to LEARN from someone who knows what he’s doing, and I suspect that’s going to be a younger guy who is of the generation that takes pleasure in pleasing a woman.

    I hope this guy and I will meet up and take it a little further – if not, I’m enjoying the flirting anyway. More than that, sexual banter apart, we talk on all sorts of subjects and share similar morals although of course an entirely different background.

    I’m so very heartened by what I’ve read here and join your other fans in shouting THANK YOU from the rooftops of Middle Britain! ;)

    • #95 written by Susan Winter  7 months ago

      Wonderful to read this note, Speranza. You sound very young in spirit and it seems older men are far too old for you. Our world is changing (even in Middle Britain!) and women are finding their resonance with younger men. Or any age they like. The point is that we are all free to expand our thinking and unlock the age-old paradigm of being with a same-age or older man.

      I truly enjoy the fact that you are studying the Law of Attraction and widening your concepts around “what is possible.” Bravo!

      I feel that each generation comes pre-loaded with the best of what the generation knew that preceded it… meaning younger men are indeed evolved. I am thrilled that you are “giving yourself permission” to look beyond the rigid borders of same-aged and older men. I wish you great success in owning your MOJO and living life to the fullest. Thank you for your comment, Susan

  • #96 written by Speranza  7 months ago

    (Twitter guy is 38 btw, has two children and been there, done that.)

  • #97 written by cyjh  7 months ago

    Wow! Reading this article makes me feel so much better now. I’ve been struggling for almost a week because of my new relationship with this younger guy. He’s just 4 years younger than me, though. It’s just that my ideal one is someone who is older than me… I’ve never expected that I’d have a romantic relationship with a younger guy. Another thing is he is a Korean… and I’m not… but really thanks to this article. I smiled a lot while reading this. ^^

    • #98 written by Susan Winter  7 months ago

      So glad you read the article! Love often comes in forms we less expect. Congratulations on allowing yourself to experience “the new.” Your ideal of ‘love with an older man’ is simply a social construct from centuries of programming that resulted from women being disempowered in a world that didn’t allow them status or financial independence. It’s a carry-over of times past.

      It’s often hard to shake off the social coding we’ve come to think of as “truth.” Now, you realize this is irrelevant in today’s world. I wish you both the very best! Susan

  • #99 written by Louise 7 months ago

    I never comment on posts but I’m honestly so glad I’ve found this blog! I was in a relationship for a while with a guy who was 8 years my senior and he ended up being an immature man who treated me badly! I’ve just turned 25 and I have been seeing a guy who is 19! He literally has been my rock and I can say I’ve never felt this way about anyone and I can’t imagine my life without him! He’s been there for me and I’ve been there for him and we just get on so well! He also acts a lot more mature then my ex who was older then me? But I can’t help but sometimes get a little concerned about age or feel that people disapprove so I can’t thank you enough for this blog, your view and also the other comments xoxo

    • #100 written by Susan Winter  7 months ago

      Hi Louise. I’m glad you did comment on this situation as you are a much younger woman involved with a young man. Normally, women begin to entertain the idea of younger men when they’re a little older. Looking around at same-aged and older men, they often find these prospects laden with baggage, out of shape and struggling financially.

      As for worrying about the age difference and the opinion of others, you may notice these to be the bulk of the questions listed here. It’s sad, really. Society wants us to think our only worth is youth and beauty, and then when we do find love they can also be critical of a younger mate. BUT— if we were men, none of this would be in our heads or considered inappropriate.

      It’s time we all nudge society forward. Live our truth. Rejoice in our lover of choice and let those trapped in rigid thinking “deal with it.”
      Thanks for your note. Best wishes to you both, Susan

  • #101 written by Tanyell  6 months ago

    Thank you so much for challenging this topic. I am a 45yr old woman who’s currently dating a 28yr old man for 2yrs now. We were co-workers & friends at work. When I left, I sent my # to him to keep in contact as friends, but I had no interest in him romantically whatsoever. Had never thought of him in that way. Which was a total shocker to me when he called to say hello and said that he’d missed me being at work than asked me on a date and I accepted. I’ve always been that woman who screamed “I’d never date a younger man for immaturity and cheating issues”, although I’ve always accepted it with other people.

    Anyway, I’m completely in Love with him. He’s taught me a lot about myself. I’ve always been closed off because I’ve been hurt a lot in past relationships, but I’ve always made it a point to be fair in new relationships and not bring in prior baggage so that the one I’m with gets a untainted chance. He’s totally in love with he too. He’s very affectionate, caring and has EMOTIONS that he expresses verbally (crying, which is very rare for me in a man). I love this, because it has helped me open up and not be afraid to say what hurts or bothers me (refreshing).

    In the beginning things were nice, I saw him once a week we just hung out. Then months ltr we became intimate. He was hiding himself & his feelings from me because he says he was afraid of the emotions he was having so soon. He says the were too strong and he panicked and started pushing me away, but I didn’t budge. I honesty ’til this day don’t know why. Normally if a guy would attempt to mistreat me, I’d be gone without conversation being had. But he was different. I couldn’t walk away. In front of his friends he’d show off, but one on one with me he was I totally different man. I just saw something special in him. I later learned that he had a really rough life. He opened up to me, but kept me distant from family. At first, I didn’t mind, but later realized it was the age. I accepted this and decided I didn’t care if I met the family & friends because I was dating him and not them. But as the relationship progressed, he met my mom & children. He then began wanting me to meet his family & friends and go to family events, but I still refrain. I don’t know why.

    We had an outting about a year ago (1st encounter with age problem) at Hershey Park. It was his birthday and he’d never done anything, so I went all out to make it simple, fun & memorable. I picked him up, greeted him with a kiss and 1 Blue Rose and a dozen of his favorite Red Velvet cupcakes. Off to HP! We were having a blast until we wound up on a line with a 35min wait and 3 young girls directly in front of us. I noticed he became distant, no longer in my space and never said anything to me the entire wait. He never looked behind him where I stood, never reaching for my hand as he ALWAYS does. As I watched the girls smiling at him and he not acknowledging me. I drifted back giving him space as I realized what was happening. It was as if my soul had been ripped from my body. This feeling in my body came over me that shut me down completely. I broke, died and cried inside as I slowly moved behind him. He never said anything to them or me for that matter. It was as if he wanted them to think he wasn’t with me, so I disappeared for him. I was crushed! We said nothing all the way to the ride on and off. While we were walking to next attraction he became distant, walking in front of me, but not we talked a bit. We proceeded to the arcade, where I said I needed to go to the bathroom and I cried like a little girl. I’d never felt this type of hurt before and didn’t know what to do with it. Scared to say something and make him angry or uncomfortable, I said nothing. Seeing he was not himself I asked if he wanted to leave and he said yes, cutting our day short. The drive home was unusually quite and I couldn’t take it anymore so I asked “what’s wrong”? He said nothing, then I told him what I thought it to be and he said yes, that it was anxiety. This confused me. I let him know I understood, but was also hurt by it. We’ve been fine since that until Sunday at the park, when a woman stared at him. He said “did u see how that woman looked at us”. I saw her, but to me her gaze didn’t convey that. I asked if he still had issues with it, because I thought we’d gotten past that since it’s been 2yrs. It bothered me as it had at Hershey Park. I don’t want to be an embarrassment to anyone no matter how much I love you. But it’s crazy because he’s all over me in public. He’s Always reaching for my hand, hugging me, kissing me. In restaraunts he sits next to me. His public display is non-stop. So many people talk to us and say how so in love we look, so this puzzles me. He says that I’m his soulmate and that he wants to spend the rest of his life with me & wants to have a child with me (yes, I want the same things). I’m so sorry for writing a book, but I just wanted to give a little insight.

    Ok, so my question is what do you think of this? Is this something he can get over, seeing how it’s only happened twice? Do you think we can have a future (In your opinion)? Have I been overreacting! I could really use your help.

    • #102 written by Susan Winter  6 months ago

      Oh Tanyell… big letter with lots of stuff going on here. NO ONE ever said relationships would be easy. You only have a 17 year age difference. So, it’s probably not a visual thing that’s cropping up to create all this. There are times when men want to appear single. It’s a passing thing that’s triggered by their internal dialogue. It may just be for a moment in time. But because you are the older woman in this story, you’re assuming it’s about your age. It isn’t. I’ve seen men at cocktail parties with gorgeous young wives trying to pretend they’re not together when a group of available women are around. It’s his stuff. I don’t think your relationship is lost or faltering but there needs to be a correction on his part.

      If this were happen more frequently, then you do have a problem. As of now, it’s bad behavior on his part. And it’s your fear that makes you think this is an age issue. That’s our “go to” place when paired with a younger man. We automatically assume any riff or acting out is about the age difference.

      You do need to tell your boyfriend all that you’ve shared with me. I’d urge you to tell him how those two incidents made you feel. When he acts in that manner, it makes you doubt his affection for you. Tell him how it hurts you. Ask him how he’d feel if the situation were reversed: If a group of older, attractive men were in your presence and you pretended you weren’t with him… how would he feel? If a man on a park bench starred at you and your first thought was that he didn’t approve of your romantic choice… how would he feel?

      You’re not overreacting. Most women would have thrown a fit on the spot (not cried in a bathroom or politely ignored it). It’s horrible to feel our mate isn’t certain of us. I realize these are fleeting moments. But they add up. And though it seems you have a good guy, this type of nonsense must stop. No matter how much you love him, you can’t keep silent fearing you’ll make him angry or uncomfortable. Especially when his behavior is making you angry (which for you means “hurt”) or uncomfortable.

      Tanyell, don’t worry. But do stand up for yourself. He’s not a bad guy but all men do dumb things from time to time. The best way to ensure a future is to have honest dialogue and be real with each other. Tell him these things when neither of you are stressed. Get it down to several clearly framed sentences. “When you do _____, I feel _____.”

      I’d urge you to do this in the next few weeks. The longer this issue goes on without your saying anything, the greater the likelihood for your feelings to escalate. I don’t want you to be feeling insecure or unhappy. So handle this openly and honestly. A good man won’t enjoy hearing it, but he will listen. And because he loves you, he will want to change his behavior to make you happy. Best wishes!!! Susan

  • #103 written by Tanyell  6 months ago

    Susan, 1st I want to thank you with all my heart for taking the time to respond to me and everyone else here. Your words of wisdom and encouragement have helped me more than you can ever know. Sometimes when I’m alone I cry so hard at the thought of someone being embarassed to be with me. It hurts so much. I kind of understand what you’re saying about it being “his stuff”. I guess I just need to give him time. He truly is an amazing man and I’ve never treated him any other way. I respect him!
    You are so correct when you say people go into these relationships with the pre-conceived notions that young men only want sexual experience and older women can’t find men their age. I can attest to the fact that it’s not true. He makes me feel important, loved & special. He’s a very emotional man and that helps us communicate.
    I will definitely take your advice Susan and keep you updated, if that’s okay with you? I’m truly thankful for you. I don’t talk to itgerd, so this has made me feel better.
    You’re A Very Smart & Amazing Woman Susan! You’re gift is a blessing to me. Thank You!

    • #104 written by Susan Winter  6 months ago

      I’m so happy that you’re able to see what’s really going on here, Tanyell. And I mean it— when you’ve had “the talk” with him, let me know how it goes. Good for you!! Empowered, secure and loved!! Susan

  • #105 written by Sabs1023  5 months ago

    I enjoyed reading your article. The whole dating younger guys thing is very new to me. I’m only 29, but I’ve always been attracted to a good bit older men. However, I have recently started seeing one of my male friends, seven years younger, in a new light. Right now we are just talking and we’ll see what happens. Glad to know that I’m not weird lol. We’ve been friends for about four years and just in the last few weeks things have changed- for the good. I was just skeptical about persuing it, but we have so many things in common and the same beliefs and standards. Plus he is mature for his age – maybe a little to mature LOL. Thanks for the advise.

    • #106 written by Susan Winter  5 months ago

      I’m pleased to reconfirm: You’re not weird! Attraction can easily shift from “what always worked for us,” to “what we never saw coming.” It’s all about the “person.” And, it’s all about the connection.

      Younger generations have a form of maturity that’s born of their progressive and inclusive outlook on life. Each generation is the product of new information, and as such are the embodiment of expansion. Most of us have grown up with a template for romance; an idea of what our perfect partner should look like, what they do, social class, education… etc. In an evolving world, connection is created via resonance. So we may find ourselves drawn to a type of person who would have never been on our radar.

      The good news is that we have greater options. Each time we expand the parameters around what we imagine is our ideal partner, we find we have a greater for creating love. My best to you! And thanks for writing, Susan

  • #107 written by Caroline  5 months ago

    Dear Susan,
    I really enjoyed your article and the comments below. I have been dating a guy 18 years younger than me for about 5 months now and if I think about the age difference I tend to struggle a bit. It is not that I never dated younger guys before – in fact most of my boyfriends and even my ex husband were younger but it was never very noticeable as I look pretty young for my age. However it is quite obvious this time…
    When we are together I do not feel that much older, probably because he has a 5 year old son and is a lot more settled than I am. I have a bit of a nomadic life style, lived all over the world, have no kids and tend to go my own way. I know he would like to settle down eventually and I think he is a bit worried about what the future may bring. I live from day to day and know that very few things are forever even if I am completely besotted by him. I would like things to develop and last for now because he makes me really happy and vice versa. I like the fact we each have a house and can still live our own live – in other words we see each other because we want to be together and we see each other very often. When we do we laugh a lot, have an amazing connection and even his son adores me.
    BUT I do not know how to explain that I do not want to focus on the future – but I rather enjoy today… This would be the same if he was closer in age to me as well – it is just the way I am. Am a mean to put barriers up to taking things to a more settled state (like living together) where we focus on tomorrow rather than today. Is this something much younger guys need? Thank you for your help!!

    • #108 written by Susan Winter  5 months ago

      Hi Caroline. As I read this letter I’m feeling two conflicting dynamics; The desire to merge with this man and the desire for personal freedom. I believe we all struggle with these two states of desire. I know I do. And fusing them into one message can be confusing for us as well as our partner.

      I think much of this is semantics. If you think about it… the future is comprised of today’s moments. But the desire to share a future doesn’t mean there can’t be personal freedom. It’s more a question of intent. And, your intent seems to be on board with your partner’s intent. You both want a future together.

      So here’s the thing about partnership: we lose the desire to be with someone when we can’t envision a “future” with them. Humans need some form of stability in the context of relationship. It’s an unpredictable future where our heart is at stake. There needs to be tangible evidence of partnership mutuality in terms of goals: a commitment in our language, vision and behavior.

      As the father to a son, I’d imagine your partner wants a more traditional format for his love relationship. It seems he’d like to know that you’re willing to live together in the future. Or, that you’d be open to discussing the possibility of that type of arrangement. I’m feeling that he needs that piece to validate his ongoing participation. That, to him, is the evidence of your commitment. It’s not a “young guy thing,” but an “I’m a father to a child who needs structure” thing.

      You, on the other hand, appear to not want to do that. You like things as they are. Right now, this dynamic is working for you. Therefore, the whole “living in the moment” conversation is occurring between the two of you.

      When I get a situation like this, please know that there’s only so much I can do via a letter. It’s more complicated than a simple response. This is truly an evolutionary predicament. It’s a question of crafting a new form of “relationship format” that serves both of your needs.

      Here’s where I’d suggest you both think outside the box (and outside the terms of what a relationship “should” look like) to find your own unique answer.

      Because it’s only a question of format, I feel encouraged. You both have a desire to be together. I’d ask you both to brainstorm for ways in which this could play out. I’m talking about “design.” How could you craft a model of your future to incorporate his need for stability and your need for freedom? Is it okay to live apart, yet still be an active part of each other’s lives? Could there be one main home for the two of you, yet another location that could be used as needed when one or the other needs space? Be creative here. Don’t edit your ideas. Throw everything out in the form of possibilities. Pick the things that feel right and expand on those ideas.

      In creating new models of partnership, we need to let go of the old formats and really let it rip. In thinking beyond whatever we’ve seen— we can imagine the new and as of yet, undone.

      I wish both of you well. If you need additional help in this, please contact me via the consultation page. But please do let me know how this goes. The process upon which you are embarking will, in time, be routine for couples. But as of now, it’s novel. It’s one of the things I like best about working in this field. Watching awakened individuals find their way to true partnership; one that resonates for both.

      Susan

  • #109 written by Lesley  5 months ago

    Hello Susan-

    So very happy to have found your blog. In reading all of the comments, I didn’t see anything pertaining to being an older woman, dating a younger man and what to do with his friends. I am a 28 year old American who is dating a 22 year old French guy (we both live in Paris). We have been together over a year now and go quite well as a couple. My only problem is hanging out with his friends. I know we only have a 6 year age gap and I have friends 6 years older than myself with no problems, however, its not quite the same. The thing is, I have had my party days, enough for me and my 10 closest friends, so its no longer really my scene and the only time I see his friends is when we are at a night club or a house party. I find that I have nothing to talk about with his friends, and it is perhaps because I haven’t had a chance to get to know them. I speak French, but in a nightclub, its nearly impossible for me to have a good level of comprehension. I know its important to get along with his friends, as he does mine, but I feel as if I am the old bag of a girlfriends who isn’t very fun because I don’t know what to talk about with them, or questions to ask, with no end in sight, if we keep going to clubs or concerts. He knows my friends because I also have dinners at my place and others, so he is a bit forced to know more about my friends and their lives.

    My boyfriend and I get along great and I definitely dont want this to be an ongoing issue. He is my first younger guy, and the relationship was supposed to be a “lover” situation in the beginning, but that quickly changed. I have and still battle at times with the age gap and the differences in age and cultures, however, I love him so much and truly believe he is my soulmate (he feels the same way about me and has expressed it). Am I the one who is the issue here? Should I just ask any question, any chance I can, just to be making more of an effort? We first had an issue because I didn’t go out with him and his friends often and I am now making an effort but find that I am never excited so to speak to see his friends and the “lack of conversation”, I believe, is the reason for that.

    I had a friend tell me recently that dating someone younger is a big commitment because you have to allow them the room to grow and realize things that as the older person in the couple, you may have already figured out.

    Any advice on this would be helpful. I’m all ears.

    Thank you,
    Lesley

    • #110 written by Susan Winter  5 months ago

      Hi Lesley. The difficulty in finding resonant ‘friends’ can occur within same-aged relationships, as well. Often, we’ll find that our partner’s friends are out of sync with us, and/or we’re not interested in being in sync with them. Fortunately, it seems as though your boyfriend does well in the company of your friends— so, that’s half the battle.

      I just had a long conversation with a 22 year-old man I know. He was complaining about his 28 year-old girlfriend. Her idea of “going out” is all-night clubbing. So here’s a younger guy who actively sought out an older woman because he wanted a more mature lifestyle, yet found his older partner is more like the young girls he’d been dating. They, too, are finding a solution to this issue.

      Having a network of mutual friends with shared interests is important for any couple. There are several chapters covering the “friends” issue in “Older Women/Younger Men.” Finding at least one person in your boyfriend’s group is a start. Perhaps there’s a female who’s a bit more mature and conversational. Continue to decline any club or party scene when you know the factors at hand will make you uncomfortable. If you go and have a rotten time you’ll also dampen your boyfriend’s experience of the events. Partner’s don’t need to be “tied to the hip.” There’s nothing wrong with him enjoying one night with his friends, while you join up with your friends.

      There’s something else you may want to try: If there’s an upcoming group event, ask if you may invite some of your friends to come along. By including one or two of your friends, you have a buffer for the evening. You’ll have someone to talk to and still be able to attend with your boyfriend.

      Lesley, there’s nothing wrong with you or your feelings. You have every right to express your concerns to your boyfriend and you should do so. The purpose of bringing all this up is to find a way to make your time with his friends more pleasurable for both of you. It shows you’re committed to the relationship and want things to go well.

      Asking questions of others is always a good way to initiate a conversation. And, seek to ask questions that go beyond job description and hobbies. Get to the inner person. You never know where you’ll forge a bond. I recently met my girlfriend’s new boyfriend. I was struggling to find conversational links with him. He mentioned he’d had a Samoyed (sled dog) such as the one I had. Suddenly, we were on common ground. We spoke for 20 minutes about their disposition and exchanged stories about the dogs we loved. This unexpected topic forged a bond.

      As for letting a younger man grow up within your relationship, your friend is correct. I never saw that as a “big commitment.” A challenge at times, yes. But that’s the fun of it all. Watching your younger man figure out his life and seeing all of it through fresh eyes with a new approach. The age category he’s in will move along quickly. There are big internal changes between 22 and 25. By 26 he’ll have a better handle on life. (Read the articles on Younger Men: Age by the Numbers).

      The biggest issue facing any couple is the lack of love, or lack of desire to rekindle a love that’s dissolved. Anything short of that is something that can be attended to and resolved. As long as you love each other, there will be a way to get around this. Think creatively. Be open to hearing his ideas, and try to find joint solutions to the “friends” issue. I wish you well, Susan

  • #111 written by Amy  5 months ago

    Like everyone else I am so glad to have read this blog after reading bunches of other negative ones. Almost 3 years ago I met a man who is 17 years younger. Yes it started out as sex. Yes we were off and on again as we both lived our lives. I tried to date men my age and had a few fall in love with me but it wasn’t there for me. 11 months ago my young man told me he had fallen in love with me. We didn’t jump into a commitment but talked so much more. We became close while he was deployed. When back things had changed but I realize now he has some PTSD. The thing is we are closer again. Trying to break up with him was the worst night ever. I am so happy he listened and tried harder! He is now deploying again asap and I am scared to have the talk with him about trying for a real relationship. All I know is I really do care. Glad to know it does work for some people!

    • #112 written by Susan Winter  5 months ago

      Thanks for this post, Amy. I applaud you efforts to follow your heart and trust your internal guidance. In that way, no matter what the factors involved (PTSD or age-variance) you kept true to yourself and your desires.

      It’s wonderful to hear how so many of these partnerships begin as “sex only,” … at least in the older woman’s mind. I know how potent the love of a mature woman can be for a younger man. And it’s no surprise that even if you thought it was casual, your “casual” form of love eclipses an immature woman’s abilities to express herself in love.

      It’s been 11 months of an acknowledged “relationship,” and probably 2 additional years before that where it was known by your younger partner, but not stated. There’s no reason to fear telling this man you love him and want him, now. He’s being deployed. Would you rather have never said it and let him go off into battle? Or, would you rather speak the truth of your heart and put your mind at peace? Not to be grim, but Amy— this is a very dangerous situation he’ll be in. I urge you to say everything you feel from the depth of your heart.

      Sorry if I sound bossy. I just want you to have permission to speak your truth and let it be known. And oh… by the way… you’re already in a REAL RELATIONSHIP! In case you haven’t noticed. So claim it. Own it.

      It has been my personal policy to tell all those that I love, that I love them. Regardless of how they feel about it. I couldn’t care less. The greater burden would be to have not shared this truth and let it remain silent. There will be a day in each of our lives when the person is no longer here, to hear our words and feel our message. I’d rather err in bruising my ego than not live in the truth of my heart.

      I wish you both well, and safe return for your partner. Sincerely, Susan

  • #113 written by diane  5 months ago

    I was so glad to read about a big age gap… I’m 55 and he’s 27. He thought I was mid 40s, I thought he was mid 30s. And he’s in a different country. I plan on visiting for a week or so to see how we like each other alone for that time (besides sex (only once I’m very little time)), as I only knew him in person for 3 days.
    But he was the one to pursue me. He still does online as much as he can with his job – travels.

    My history was dating men 5-12 years older when young and then 3-10 years younger from 30s on.
    But what I saw and see I like an awful lot. I can say I think I have fallen for him. Against all but one friend’s advice. Both say go for the Torrid affair – visit, but come home alone. The one friend says go for it- you deserve to be happy.
    I’m naturally concerned about a few things- protecting my assets and myself if it’s the old get a green card trick. I’ve outright asked him, stating all of this. He says he only wants me to be there with him. He has money. He doesn’t want me to just get to the u.s. just please visit so we can be together.
    So I’m planning a trip at the beginning of the year. He will take care of where we stay- says it’s a romantic place.
    Am I crazy? No one has captivated me so in years. Few men I’ve met I’d even want to kiss. So keep it to torrid affair or keep it open?

    • #114 written by Susan Winter  4 months ago

      HI Diane. Good to have you on this site. Thankfully, one friend supports you. I know it’s a big age age gap. That can make what’s normally uncomfortable, very uncomfortable. It seems with every additional year that divides the couple, there are equal reasons for outsiders to question the merit of the relationship.

      So, when you go… you will find out. You’ll be able to learn more about him, his country, and his financial stability. It’s wise to go in with your eyes open wide open, because after the sex begins it’s harder to see or think clearly. You know very little about him. Happy to hear you’re aware of the lure of a have ‘green card.’ That’s always a consideration when dating a partner in a foreign country.

      As for him taking care of where you stay… I know it sounds romantic to be surprised by what he’ll arrange. But if you’re staying in an emerging country, definitely have a back-up plan. I’d research the city, check out hotels and carefully check out the place he thinks is “romantic.” I strongly advise knowing in advance where he’s having you stay. Men, in general, aren’t too good at this. Make sure your friends and family know where you are and how to contact you. That’s just common sense, even if you were meeting a friend or business contact.

      I wish you well Diane! Susan

  • #115 written by diane  4 months ago

    Susan,
    Thank you so much to take the time to reply to me. Yes, I would know where we would stay and have all embassy or consulate #s and a backup plan (or 2-3, as I’m a planner and well aware of dangers, especially as its Morocco
    But I think reality has hit and stopped this runaway train. We would never be accepted as a couple anywhere, and that is important to me – to be accepted somewhere – anywhere. And we already had sex, sorry – I couldn’t resist. I was hoping for a nice leisurely week with this gorgeous and wonderful young man. To get to know him more. I’ve learned a lot from our emails. But you know face to face is always better.
    So it does not make sense for me to visit does it? It’s a lot of money to spend on something that will go no where. .. and just make me fall harder. I can’t stop the tears as it is.
    I haven’t said anything yet to him. He texted that we have to talk – never good words to hear in my book. Heck, ‘ve been researching plastic surgery even. But it doesn’t change the fact of me being more than twice his age.
    I wish it were only 10-15. That’s workable. But 28?
    I will let you know how the story goes. I had searched the web in this topic, and yours was the only place that “got it”.
    Only 3 rd man I’ve cried over… and it’s not officially over yet. But I know it is. I will try to look back happily on this – he did bring me back to life and so connected to my soul.

    • #116 written by Susan Winter  4 months ago

      I’m glad to know that you have done all this preliminary work to set up your safety and appease your travel concerns. As for your inner concerns, that’s a different thing entirely. You’ve stated you’ve already cried tears over this man, assuming your love cannot be and that even if it was to be, it would never be accepted in the world. The second issue is of less concern to me than the first— how you feel about it.

      This will have to be a judgement call on your part, Diane. I’d ask yourself the following question: “Which would hurt more? To not have allowed yourself to experience a love you want to taste, or to enter this brief moment (not knowing if any outcome you desire will occur) and then accept the unknown aftermath?”

      It’s a call only you can make. I’ve chosen both paths, at different times in my life. To enter the “all-odds-against-me” scenario because I HAD TO DO IT, and I’ve also walked away knowing it would ultimately be the best choice for my emotional stability. These two opposite decisions depended upon many other factors; measuring how much the man (and the experience) would give me that I needed and wanted, with the price I’d pay for that experience.

      The facts are the facts. You are the age you are, and so is he. How do you know that being younger would be better? What is drawing him to you is who you are now. Maybe 10-15 years ago, you wouldn’t have been this woman. I have to discount the age factor here. I’ve done huge age gaps, and while they’re never easy… neither is love, in general. So, it is what it is. Take that out of your decision process.

      If you choose to go, look at it as a gift you give to yourself, independent of him. It’s for you. Just for you. To taste, touch and feel all this is possible. To drink in the complete experience because you need to give it to yourself. The outcome is not a factor. The experience is self-contained as its own reward. Will it make you feel alive? Free? Powerful? Will taking that road give you more than it takes from you?

      If you choose not to go, is it because it will be honoring your heart? That you choose to not put yourself on a roller coaster of emotion for a love affair that’s questionable as to its ultimate merit? That, in the end, the cost of a moment in time isn’t worth the price you’ll ultimately pay?

      So here is where you decide what’s most important to you as you stand at this crossroad of knowing yourself and how you want to create your life experiences.

      As for what others think and how they accept or don’t accept you in public, I must ask you to seriously take a look at that concern. You’re not living this life to appease them. People are far too self-centerd to truly care about our personal life choices. As one who’s continually chosen to love whom I want and live as I choose, I can promise you this is the ultimate freedom. To live your life. People are mercurial. One minute they disapprove, and the next minute they revere you. Even if you lived the life of a saint, there would be those who don’t approve. Pleasing the world is a game we can never win. So take that out of the equation and re-ask the questions above.

      Whichever decision you make, agree with yourself. Once made, don’t look back. Just move forward. Know why you made it and be at one with your decision.

      I wish you well, Diane. Susan

  • #117 written by diane  4 months ago

    Susan,
    It’s been a roller coaster. Thought I’d let you know that I have decided to visit. It will be soon- over New year’s. You are ultimately right, as I figured out for myself. I have to follow my heart. I always have and have never regretted it. Some did not have the outcomes i wanted, but all worth it.

    I have taken others views out of the equation mostly. I say mostly as its caused quite a split between my twin brother and I. But its brought me and my sister closer again. Even a friend who things I’m crazy actually understands why I have to go.

    Your note reinforces my decision. He makes me feel alive. There’s that special connection- that spark- that happened and that spark is rare. So I have to go and so want to go to.

    You are very wise. Offer the two sides of the coin very well – and there costs.

    So thank you! I only have this life – I’ve got to take the chance and who knows what will happen? I’ll just know I didn’t hide from the world and lived.
    Diane

    • #118 written by Susan Winter  4 months ago

      Hi Diane. Good for you. The point is, that you “agree with yourself.” Whatever your decision, make it boldly and go forth. All the friends and relatives will follow suit. What you think and believe is what other people will pick up. It’s a vibe. In time, you’ll have all the answers you need. But for now, enjoy your decision and trust yourself. Stay in touch, Susan

  • #119 written by Len 4 months ago

    I am a divorced woman age 33 who is currently dating a single guy which is 9 years younger than me.We are both inlove and feels that it keeps stronger and stronger each day.He is such a sweet guy and he want me to feel more happier than him.He puts his effort just to please me.

    • #120 written by Susan Winter  4 months ago

      Good to hear this Len! I’m happy for you and your younger man. My very best to you, Susan

  • #121 written by Natasha  4 months ago

    Hello, Susan! I needed to read this post, and I’m glad I found it when I found it…my situation is kind of weird, to say the least.

    I am a 30 year old woman who works as a personal assistant/nurse to my 21 year old female client (working with her for about a year and a half), who goes to a school/work program for the disabled, (spina bifida, cerebral palsy, etc.) so I’m surrounded by walkers, and manual and electric wheelchairs. I’ve come to know the staff and these students like friends and family, but one thing has persisted: the men that I work with (both student and staff) are attracted to me! Knowing that the line of professionalism could be crossed easily, I’ve kept my distance but still remain friendly. I have yet to be in a relationship, despite dating often, but not as much as I’d like (anxieties abound).

    One of my client’s classmates (who is a paraplegic due to spina bifida) has taken a liking to my client and I (but more so to me and as of late, not afraid to show it). I am hesitant about him and this situation. He’s shown me that he has his own mind, he’s patient, we share the same sense of humor, and he’s far more mature and considerate than his years, which tends to catch me by surprise at times. The more I try to push him away, the more he persists. It’s come to the point that the rest of the students know about it, and it’s become weird in a sense that when we sat back and talked recently (his classmates are around him a lot), I read his intent as clear as day (he wanted to know if I could be comfortable with him and be more than friends)…and it intrigues me, yet it scares me. I’d rather we remain friends so we can get to know more about each other, but I don’t think it would remain that way for long…

    I’ve spoken to some people about this, and they’ve all said in their own way to “cut him loose. Too many differences.” But for some reason, I don’t really want to. What should I do? I am confused.

    • #122 written by Susan Winter  4 months ago

      HI Natasha. My first question would be to read up on your employee manual to see if intimate relations affect your job position (even if it’s a second party situation). I realize this is a friend of your employer, but regardless of the outer tier of connection I’d review the parameters of your job contract/requirements and exclusions. And, consider if things went badly in your future relationship— how would that impact the dynamic of your current work life?

      Secondly, to take on this type of relationship needs great thought moving forward. It’s a real commitment… not just emotionally, but assistance wise in terms of supporting a disabled partner. It seems as though you have the type of disposition to do so, but really think it through.

      You own inner guidance is on target. It’s telling you to wait and gather more information. I believe that’s the correct move. I’d give yourself time to get to know more sides of him, asking questions about his life and his goals. What does he seek in terms of relationship? How would that look? And, in seeing his ideal in greater detail you can see if that’s something that resonates for you as well.

      Take your time here to gather all the facts you need. I’m sure you’ll make the right decision once you have more information. Wishing you the best, Susan

  • #123 written by Sandra  4 months ago

    I was delighted to just learn of this blog. After 15 years of marriage, we are amicably parting ways, as my husband and I have sadly grown apart – fortunately no children. I am 41 and have an overwhelming crush on a co-worker who is 26. We do not work closely together, but are in the same part of the building several times a week and have great conversation. Not sure how to tell if he has interest, other than he draws out the pronunciation of my name, is always smiling, and has pupils the size of saucers when making eye contact. He is fun to be around and acts politely and friendly to other co-workers. A tryst with him would not complicate my work situation, other than a bruised ego if I incorrectly read signals and embarrass myself. I’ve never dated a younger man. I find myself thinking about him often. What are some ways to find out if someone is interested? It’s been almost 2 decades since I dated, and the landscape I’m sure has totally changed. Help!

    • #124 written by Susan Winter  4 months ago

      Hi Sandra. I’d start by being totally up front with him. You have nothing to lose by doing so. You’re seeing this as a tryst. Okay… but why do you limit what it can be?

      I’d take time to figure out what you want to experience at this point in your life. So far, you’ve put this in the “tryst” box and seem to be okay with a dissolved outcome. But before you go down that road, I’d ask you to get in touch with what would be desirable now in terms of romance. What do you want? How do you want it?

      Rather than take what’s offered, why not examine what’s truly desired?

      As for checking out his level of interest and capacity, you have to speak to him. More conversations. Deeper conversations. More time together than random work place meetings. Gather all the facts and then make a decision.
      Wishing you well, Susan

      • #125 written by Sandra  2 months ago

        Hi Susan,

        Thanks for the great feedback. I really don’t know what I want at this point. I’m not denying the possibility of love, great romance, or friendship, just trying to keep things realistic. I really enjoy his company, talking with him, etc. Not sure how to take it to the next level. I’m not sure if it’s society that has geared me to feel shameful for having a crush on this younger man – and I think it’s altering the way I would normally interpret signals. Not sure how much of my interpretation is wishful thinking or picking up a real energy or vibe. Do I ask this guy out and how do I do that? or how do I let him ask me out? I don’t want to ruin our working relationship. I think about him often. What kind of signals do younger men offer? He did just friend me on a social media site.

        Thanks again for your help! LOVE YOUR SITE!

        Sandra

  • #126 written by Saira  4 months ago

    This is such a wonderful and inspiring article. I recently started dating a 19 year old and I’m 26. Here’s the thing. I was with a guy 5 years my senior for 5 years. When we broke up he started dating an 18 year old. Their age gap was 12 years and I was thoroughly disgusted. It seemed to me that since I was getting to the age where I wanted marriage he freaked out and left me. Dating an 18 year old only proved to me that he had severe commitment issues and that he just “bought” himself another 7 years without having to deal with pressure from his new girlfriend to marry her.

    After an entire year of hating on my ex over this situation I had a dream about a very handsome man named Emet. I woke that morning and said to myself, “that is the man I am about to have come into my life.” Sure enough, 3 months later he arrived. It was a total paradigm shift for me when he told me he was only 19. I thought…”Wow, of course this would happen.” Nature is trying to teach me a lesson here. Granted, the age difference between Emet and I is half that of my ex and his new girlfriend, I still had to recognize that age really doesn’t matter when it comes to love.

    So far everything about Emet’s life goals match up with mine and he is far less critical, jaded, cynical, and commitment-phobic than my ex. My hesitations come from his mother and my mother both giving us a hard time. My mom and dad are 9 years apart, but he is older. She has said to me on many occasions that their age gap has created issues (He was ready for kids and settling down at 35 and she was still only 26 and not quite there). Emet’s mom on the other hand is 12 year older than his father. This means she has first hand experience dating a younger man and she’s still against us being together at this point.

    It’s early on in our relationship and we are taking things slowly, both hoping our parents will come around when they see how ridiculously happy we are together. Family is so important to both of us, it’s really hard to not feel supported by our mothers. Our fathers on the other hand don’t see anything wrong with it. It’s so interesting how genders play a huge role in this issue.

    Anyway, I really enjoyed your blog post. Thanks for reading and for your support!

    • #127 written by Susan Winter  3 months ago

      Hi Saira. Great letter! And you’re correct… male family members rarely protest. It’s more problematic for the female members of the family, which has always seemed odd to me. Considering how important intimate connections are to women, you’d think they’d get on board with our happiness regardless of what format is presented.

      I can understand your mom’s initial confusion. But his mother’s resistance confuses me. If anything, she should understand how love can happen with a younger man. As you say, your relationship is new. Everyone is still finding their way in this dynamic. It does seem that there’s an openness, though. At least everyone is talking and sharing their feelings. It doesn’t appear (from your letter) that anyone is directly trying to block you or force an ending. That’s good news. I’ve been involved with both scenarios; initial confusion with lack of approval, to direct destruction. The former is better. That’s where you are now.

      Most reasonable people come around in time to see the couples happiness and eventually accept the relationship. I’m thinking that may be the case here.

      Keep steady and stay confident. Don’t push or insist on their compliance, but rather enjoy Emet and continue developing your relationship with him. Though you want both families approval and blessing, the best way to get that to happen is to focus on your partner and the love you share. Build that. Keep that as your goal. I wish you and Emet the very best!!

  • #128 written by Ellie  3 months ago

    Good article and blog. Thank you. My problem is that the object of my affection doesn’t know that I am 17 years older . Yes, this is true. We were friends and worked together for few years years while he was still married . He does not think that I am any day older than 35-38. . I do look that age, even under closer inspection. I think he will be mortified when he finds my age. He was the only who pursued me until I decided to give him attention. Any advise?

    • #129 written by Susan Winter  3 months ago

      Hi Ellie. If he’s pursuing you, he probably doesn’t care about your age. If you go on a date, you may want to try what I did with my boyfriend. Throughout the conversation, I’d punctuate my stories wit “and when I was 40, I…” As I progressed in the next story to an even higher age, he didn’t flinch. He didn’t bail. He sat and listened. We began our relationship with all this ground covered.

      You may want to take a look at several other articles in the Older Women/Younger Men section in the navigation bar. Read those on “Age” and take a look at the article “Is He Window Shopping?”

      Now days, if a man is interested he will pursue regardless of your age. Wishing you well!! Susan

  • #130 written by diane  2 months ago

    Hi Susan,
    An update for you. The trip was good and bad. Bad as we both were sick. My expectations were to high. Good, as we got along wonderfully.
    Since then, been chatting, skyping, calling sometimes. Now, I’m trying to be patient, to give him time to think if what he can or will do. Both if us know visit twice a year is no good. I’m willing to make the leap. He needsto out what’s more important to him, love, culture, religion, family. Only two sisters know of me, he has four. He says wants to marry, loves me, wants me with him always, but….let’s see what happens. It has not been that long. This is a big decision. I’ve offered to come visit again, in the May thru July time.
    To either firm his feelings and any decision, or let each other go.
    So, the story continues. I am glad I went. I wish we had both spoken like we did after the trip when I was there. Very live, interactive talks, which no one can fake.
    Will let you know how it goes whenever it changes..
    Thank you for your support.

    • #131 written by Susan Winter  2 months ago

      Good for you Diane. And brave. You had to go to see for yourself. Sounds like you laid out your grand plan clearly. That’s good information for him to consider and good communication skills on your part. If you hadn’t gone, you’d wonder if you’s missed something in years to come. So the “doing” of it is very good. Thanks for writing back and letting my know of your trip. Wishing you well in the upcoming future as you both sort this out. All the best, Susan

  • #132 written by barbara  2 months ago

    Hi Susan,
    I am 45, living in Europe and when I read your wonderful blog and dito comments I feel less left out. There must be a difference of culture on this topic between the US and Europe…or the rest of the Western world. Dating a younger man, or having a relationship with a certain age difference seems to gotten stuck in the social experimental phase. Younger men are attracted to me and are very curious to get into my world and thoughts and…strength. Till now it feels as if I am some sort of wild cat that can be sniffled and tested out. Nothing more than that. It always ends with the guy leaving and bonding with a woman of their age, or much younger, or whatever, but anyhow leaving. That’s tough. Because there is another issue coming along with it. I am a public person, people know my public persona which is that of a strong independant woman with guts and a master plan. Men and also women in general are afraid to approach me and most of the time I happen to be on my own. Which is not that much of a problem. So, together with the unknown field of this idea to have a relationship with an older woman and me standing a bit outside of what is perceived as common, normal, thus safe or innocent….it is a true adventure to each time find out tha younger man is not just somewhat “poking” or testing and finding strength and courage for himself to approach me. Since I am a loving, caring and responsable woman I will never allow myself to get bitter or giving up. I am attracted to younger guys myself. Always had younger guys except for the father of my child. As we speak I know that this afternoon I will get a call from a guy who has been interested in me for about 4 years. I never felt something special for him until a month ago he came to the premiere of a theater piece I am in. It then became very clear that I had a different eye than the previous years and I allowed myself to slowly let him in and to look at him like he presented himself : a nice and warm man with humour and wit. But as soon as we looked in each others eyes during a conversation a week later I just saw nothing more than mere curiosity. “What will it do to me if I get that Woman with the Gamour & Guts into my bed”. I see those guys grow each time. They are proud to think they have conquered me, which means nothing else than that they conquered a huge piece of themselves. Confidence, bravado etc… That is so sad. Tha guy asked me per text if he could call me today and I responded that it has no use, that I just know. I know. I do appreciate the fact that he is willing to explain it to me, but it has no use to listen to his fears and so-called mistake. So, this combination is poisonous and it makes it pretty impossible to distinguish true attraction from the eternal boring and predictable conquest of power, glamour and all those things that are just not very interesting to me but to the other. The danger has been that I put myself down to appear approachable and I can tell you that this has never been a good idea. Actually I am a bit lost and there ios no other explanation for me than that I am dealing with a cultural problem here. I live in a small country where being famous is like being unattainable but also mistreated and left isolated. Brrrr….by all means I can not allow myself to lower my values and goodheartedness and act like a hungry kid just for the sake of some gamble. It is starting to become predictable that I can not get in return what I desire.
    Am stuck and on the verge of loneliness. Any soothening words for me?

    • #133 written by Susan Winter  2 months ago

      Hi Barbara. Thanks for this comment. I have many devoted followers in European countries and beyond. There is indeed a difference in pairing with an older woman when outside of the US. We have accepted it here; first as a “sexual” fling, and now (thankfully) as a valid form of loving, committed partnership. Other countries will eventually follow this enhanced formula. It takes time for society to catch up to individual evolution.

      As for your heightened persona, there’s probably always a question lurking in the back of your mind as to the man’s true intention. What are his real motives? I understand this well. For myself, I stay fixed in my position of real partnership. I don’t deviate to a fling, and make it consistently clear that the only category I’m seeking is that of mate. Because this is backed up by my own history combined with action and words, I can eliminate men who are seeking less than I desire. I don’t put myself down to do so. I stay firm in what I want. Guys who want less get tired of “trying” and move on. So, no— don’t ever compromise your values (or you value) for any man regardless of his age.

      I also don’t mind being single and not dating for periods of time. I don’t feel lonely. I have great friends and work that inspires me. But for you I’d suggest meeting men outside of your country. If you travel, that’s an excellent way to meet men who think beyond the confines of your country’s boundaries. Your work must allow you to travel, and when you do so you may be able to merge with a new type of man who is more evolved and deserving of your attention.

      As for thinking it will never happen or can never happen, that’s the real issue here. I suggest revisiting your thought system. No matter where you travel, if you think it can’t happen, it won’t. There’s no reason why a powerful, dynamic and accomplished woman couldn’t find true love. It just requires a man who matches your disposition, mindset and values. With billions of people in this world the statistical odds are in your favor.

      Barbara, I’d suggest you continue to ‘vision’ upward. Never downward to accommodate what “appears to be” your current reality. Think greater thoughts. Hold higher visions. Trust yourself. Trust Life. Believe that love does exist… for YOU. The inner work you do will change all outer events. If you need some motivation and proof of this, take a moment to read a few chapters of “Allowing Magnificence.” You can skim much of it on Amazon, and I have a free chapter on this site. It’s about what I’ve just written. The active ingredient to all of this change is you. It doesn’t cost you anything but a few minutes a day. But thinking about this differently and being willing to entertain the possibility that More is possible, is the remedy to your situation. That’s the manner of approach that will soothe you.

      It’s your current thinking that’s locked you into isolation. From the paradigm you explained, you’ve painted yourself into a corner and no man can enter your heart. If you’d humor me by adjusting your thinking (even as an experiment), you will indeed find the relief you’re seeking.

      Please write me back when you do so. I love hearing great stories of overcoming our own limited beliefs. We all have them. So, whenever we break through one of those limitations it’s encouragement for everyone. All the best Barbara!! Thanks for writing, Susan

  • #134 written by Karma  1 month ago

    I have dated younger for 20 years now I never went any younger than 15 years just didn’t see myself with anyone younger than that then I met the guy I am with now I am 51 he is 21 he pursued me until I went out with him that was over a year ago. I had a problem with it at first he didn’t. But life is too short not to try new things and be happy while doing it. So for as long as it works I am here regardless of the looks we get. We just laugh and keep on. But it’s not for everyone you have to be secure with yourself first otherwise the judgemental people young and older alike. Oh and we are interracial as well. But our families like seeing us both happy so we do have a good support system. Which I have found to be important to all relationships.

    • #135 written by Susan Winter  1 month ago

      Hi Karma. Well, you are both living your truth. I’m happy to hear it. Not only a large age difference but interracial. The point is to have loved while here in this brief moment in time we know as our life. And if you have found someone who resonates with you, you are blessed as is he.

      I remember when I was living with my boyfriend who was 21 years younger. A classy but very conservative middle aged woman accused me of having low self esteem. How wrong she was. An older woman needs 10 times the confidence of a woman dating a same-aged or older man. As for the comments, snide looks, and gossip… it’s par for the course. It takes enormous resolve and belief in one’s self to manage the social backlash and ignorance.

      Congratulations to you and your younger man. It’s not a path for everyone. Only the strong will take this journey. But the rewards are tremendous. My sincere best wishes to you both. Susan

  • #136 written by Alyce  1 month ago

    Hi Susan,
    I want to thank you for this blog. While the technology age has grown, I’ve become better informed and agile in finding answers to almost any question. However, I never expected to find the level of help that I found on your blog.

    Today I found your site and a new use for technology. My soul was sick from needing answers to questions about older woman, younger man relationships. anyone I’ve tried to open up to gave either a smirk or judgement. I felt alone in my decision to follow my heart in a relationship with a younger man. The age difference is 29 years. I am 62 and he is 34.
    I’ve not been able to have a serious conversation with anyone during the two years that we have been together. So you can imagine the place I was in before finding your blog, which filled in a lot of the blanks on the situation. It’s a long and arduous situation filled with a lot of your readers’ situations.
    Your comments here have helped me so much.
    While my heart remains a little heavy with uncertainty about my situation, you have shown me another way to see things– another way to move forward. Thank you all.

    • #137 written by Susan Winter  1 month ago

      Dear Alyce. Thank you for writing me. You are among friends here. This website promotes love; in its many forms and variations. We no longer live in a cookie-cutter world. People are evolving. And, their romantic choices will expand in correspondence to their level of awareness. To love and be loved is the greatest gift we can experience in this life. With whom, should not be held in judgement by anyone.

      I’ve long done great age spans in my own romantic life. Alyce, I never went looking for this. It happened to me, and I responded. I never chased a younger man, I don’t do hook-ups and I don’t have sexual flings. It’s always been loving commitment. So, I can verify that that this type of romantic choice can work, and does work.

      This is why I appreciate everyone’s commentary. People such as yourself realize they’re not alone.

      Thank you for writing to me Alyce. The world is changing. Soon, the difference that many of us have suffered will no longer be an issue. Little by little society is advancing. Take heart. There are more of us than you know. Susan

  • #138 written by Lesley  1 month ago

    Hello Susan-

    I had written you a few months back about being with a guy who is 6 years younger. Well, sadly, I was very recently dumped for a few reasons. He told me that he thought he was not mature enough for me (He is now 23 and I, 29) and that he still has a desire to do silly things. That he thought he was mature enough for me because he has been hanging around adults his whole life and he thought he was trying to be as mature as I wanted him to be. Secondly, he told me that he is unable to get over my past. My experiences are much more than he and he is insecure. He has brought up during our relationship that the drugs I did (I had a period years ago, that I had already stopped doing before he came along. He is a no drug type of guy except weed and he told me he wanted to try XTC and mushrooms if I was there). Another problem with my past is the fact that I have a semi nude photo shoot online (taken when we first got together) and he said I have no idea how many times he has gone to look at it (although I contacted the photographer to take it down and he was ok with it, my man said no big deal, Ill get over it). Lastly, he has a problem with the fact I went to a sex club, once. He said he thinks about me having sex with other people around. I reminded him that it was something I tried, not something I do.

    When we first discussed breaking up, it was him but when it was an “I don’t know” for him, i thought he wanted me to be the bad guy. I told him ok, fine, its over. he wouldn’t leave and was crying and said that he didn’t want it to be over. He left and we were going to see each other the next day. It was recommended to me that we take a week and think things out. I feel this may have been my mistake in giving him room to think about things.

    I did some damage myself with two fights a week before where I was ready to break up and walk away. To get a rise, or I don’t know. He told me the second one really affected him and he thought a lot about what I said during the fight (In a drunk stupor) about the relationship being BullS*it and we were trying to pretend everything was alright and it wasn’t. I was ready to put my keys down and leave/break up. This didn’t have anything to do with the day when I thought he wanted me to be the bad guy and just end it, that happened after my crazy fits.

    Within 2 weeks, he had told me he didn’t want it to be over (again this was before the night where I was the bad guy), to being unsure, to dumping me.

    He has texted me every day for the last three days since the break up, asking if we can have lunch together sometimes, and if we are going to talk to each other again at some point. I haven’t responded and to which he wrote a ?.

    My question is, Do people ever get back together? Do I text him back? I need to see him so we can exchange items regardless. Why do you think he is texting? Is it a common thing for the younger party to feel insecure about a past, and some that is just that, a past? Should I ask all my questions now, when I see him? Did I start the ball rolling on this problem and am getting what I deserve? Can someone really be that unsure and insecure of himself?

    I want him back and I see my contribution to the problems in the relationship. I feel crazy asking, but help!

    Thank you

    • #139 written by Susan Winter  1 month ago

      Hi Lesley. I believe in honesty. I know… something people rarely think of when asking for advice. But if you’re telling me that you want him back, then what you really need to do is to tell him that. I urge you to let your ego go, don’t think about who looks good or who is winning/losing, up/down— and speak your truth from the heart.

      He keeps texting you because he’s still wanting you. Text him back. Tell him you want to speak to him, and to see him. You need to talk about all of this to him.

      I’d suggest you explain yourself this way; that life is a journey. You’ve tried things, and decided to make different choices. The only way we learn what we want is through what we don’t want. Your past is what has created who you are today. Never feel badly for the choices you made. They have contributed to the ‘greater you.’ They have clarified you, enlightened you, and re-calibrated your current transit.

      Yes, the younger man can feel “less than” in many ways. He can feel disempowered financially, socially, culturally intellectually and sexually. But partnerships are the merging of two people that creates a larger entity. So, the sum gain is greater than the individual parts.

      Did you get what you deserve? I think that’s the wrong line of thinking for you. Why are you feeling guilty about your past? There are no mistakes. There are only experiences. We make choices and then correct those choices. There’s no other formula for life other than trial and error. It’s all good. The only thing to watch for is if your partner wants to beat you up emotionally for your past, if they won’t let it go, or hold it over you in judgement.

      If you are going to move forward, he’d have to give up this type of resentment. He’d need to come in with a clean slate and see you, as you are now. I wouldn’t allow any more conversations about your past. You’ve said it all. Now is a time to move forward.

      Let me know what happens. Wishing you well. And, stop beating yourself up! Susan

  • #140 written by Larissa  1 month ago

    Susan!I am in a horrible situation, and i really need your advice.
    So, recently i started practicing a sport i always wanted to do for a long time.There i met this young boy who caught my eye in the first second.After a while we started talking and i found out his age.I was really shocked because he is just 14 years old!!!I am even ashamed to say my age because i feel so bad about myself, but i am 19.I think about him all the time; i can barely eat and sleep and today, when i went to the class I didnt see him there and i felt so so sad that i left after a short time.
    I would never do anything innapropriate with him because i know it’s beyond wrong, but now i feel like I could even wait years for him, but this makes me just selfish I think.
    I have feelings that I don’t think I ever had before and I feel really scared about that…How could I let myself get into this…
    I am sorry if i made any mistakes, english is not my native language.Thank you and I wish you all the best!

    • #141 written by Susan Winter  1 month ago

      Hi Larissa. What country do you live in? If you’re in Europe the age of consent ranges from a starting point of 13-16, depending on your country’s rulings. If you’re in the US it gets a little tricky. You’re still a minor, but caution is essential. Each state has a different code of consent with the District of Columbia (Washington, DC) having 16 as legal. Each state varies, and there are specific rules regarding how much older you can be as a minor. A simple Google search for Age of Consent will answer your questions.

      I was shocked when living in Spain to see very young girls with much older men. It is considered fine, there. But in the US: No tocar! (Don’t touch).

      I’m sorry you’re in agony. But if you think it through, there’s really no way you could ever have a real relationship even if you do fall into legal guidelines. A boy of 14 doesn’t have the emotional resilience to deal with the first bloom of love. Especially when the female is older. Age differences are huge when we’re young. So while this young man may be incredible to you, you need to stand back and let it go. Try to take your mind off him, and be open to dating guys of your own age. If it’s really meant to be, the both of you will meet up later in life when he’s of legal age. Hope this helps you!! Susan

  • #142 written by Katie  1 month ago

    Hi I’ve just come across your blog and it has made me feel so much better. I’m 23 and I have a huge crush on a 18 yr old in my work. He’s younger than my younger brother which could be weird. But we just started talking on fb and we get along apart from that he tends to send short answers and doesn’t ask me much about me but he doesn’t cut the convo off. Younger men always seem to be more forward. This guy started the convo first but it’s hard to try and get him to open up and get to know him especially since we don’t see each other in work often. Any tips for this? Love your post and comment section btw.

    • #143 written by Susan Winter  1 month ago

      Hi Katie.I think what your experiencing in the short conversations is a generational style for younger men. Texting is to the point and brief. Longer conversations in detail don’t tell a woman much about the man or what he’s thinking. I normally advise women to try to get the guy to make an actual phone call— something they rarely do.

      Conversation is an aphrodisiac to women. Most men (of all ages) don’t understand this. To a woman’s mind, conversation and open communication allow us to merge with the man. It’s what makes us feel close to them. What they reveal makes us feel as though they’ve “let us into their world.”

      Ask him to call you. Ask him to see you outside of work. Tell him you need that to get to know him better. Let me know what happens! Susan

  • #144 written by Katie  1 month ago

    Hi, thanks for your quick reply! He only just started talking to me online on Monday this week. I have a bit of a dilemma, I want to get to know him but I also want to make sure I give him space if he needs and I don’t want to look to keen/ clingy. The other thing I don’t understand is that he puts quite a x’s at the end of his messages, could this mean he only wants sex or that he finds it hard to put his feelings into words?

    • #145 written by Susan Winter  1 month ago

      When a guy wants to get to know you (and he’s in pursuit) you don’t need to worry about space. You’ll sense when he’s pulling back. But that’s not now. I’d continue the correspondence and ask him when he wants to get together.

      As for the use of “x’s” I have no idea what that means. Why don’t you ask him?

      You’re already editing yourself and questioning what to do. You don’t need to do that. Have faith in yourself and understand if he’s spending time on writing you, he likes you. But try to wrangle him into a real conversation.

      You’re a little cautious. Perhaps you’ve been taking advise from others to play it cool. But when you begin with cool it’s harder to get to warm. Trust yourself. Put yourself out there in a dignified way and quit worrying what he thinks.

      Young guys don’t always know what they want. Having any man express his emotions is a big deal. If he ever says something that makes you wonder, ask him what he means. Have him explain. And meet him in person as soon as it’s possible. Whether online or via FB, flirting and comments can’t result to anything without a face-to-face. So try to set that up. Okay? Susan

  • #146 written by Leighanne  4 weeks ago

    Hi Susan,
    I have been seeing someone who is 22 & I’m 43. We get along well, are attracted to each & we enjoy each other’s company immensely. We work for the same company, although not in the same location. He feels that there is no way we can make this work, and that if our employer found out it could be detrimental to both of our careers. He told me he is starting to develop feelings for me and thinks we shouldn’t see each other any more as if things get more serious he feels it can’t end well. We are still talking but not seeing each other in person. Neither of us feel we can spend time together platonically. We are both sad. :( Any advice?

    • #147 written by Susan Winter  3 weeks ago

      Hi Leighanne. Oh, sorry to hear this. I suggest you get very clear on the interpersonal dating portion of your employee contract. Some companies don’t allow office romances, others have certain restrictions in place. Address this situation first. Get the facts and know your rights. Read carefully all the literature and make sure this is a problem (or not), and to what degree it’s a problem (or not). Be sure to check the ruling on company employees (general) vs. office mates (same office).

      Then, if you think you’re clear to see each other you can address the second issue: The fear your younger man has about getting hurt. There are never any guarantees in love, no matter the ages involved. That’s a fact. So deal with the part 1 of this issue (company policy) and then revisit your plans. Good luck! Susan

      Next,

  • #148 written by guest41  2 weeks ago

    Hi, I stumbled into this site and found it extremely enlightening, I’ve read a lot of messages and answers and all were great help to me, but I haven’t found anything like my case and I’d love to hear a word of advice. I’m 41 and my lover is 27. So far so very good. He’s adorable, he started talking to me over a year ago and I was touched that such a sweet young guy was willing to lose his time on old me. We’re black belts in the same martial art and he’s also a yoga instructor, he’s very mature and has suffered a lot already, we’ve always been talking about everything and in the end the chemistry was palpable. We finally kissed and are inseparable now. He’s incredibly affectionate, and has already introduced me to friends and family like it was the most natural thing in the world. And they seem happy for us, too!
    Everything is great, and I feel like I’m 20 again. Only problem is: I’m married. More than that, happily married. I have a wonderful, caring, adoring, perfect husband. I know, I am blessed in my love life. I know what I am doing, and even why I am doing it. I’m a very shy and introverted person who always had long, beautiful love stories but few adventures, and I had been restless for a while now, what with a boring job and ten years into a marriage that’s perfect but makes me feel a bit isolated. I couldn’t possibly resist the temptation to live a fling with my beautiful friend. Or at least I hoped it would be just a fling. He’s so vulnerable that I fear he might fall in love, and if he did I could never avoid to answer to that love.
    I have resisted the temptation to talk about it to my husband. I know it would be selfish and only because I hate to tell lies and to behave like I had something to hide, which I honestly don’t think I have. In fact, I feel no guilt. I always had a free mind and my husband has a free mind as well. He loves me as a person and not like his possession and I know he would understand (that’s why I married him in the first place), like I would understand if he was living something good with someone else, but I also know that it would hurt him, and that our relationship would change. He knows about my mid-life crisis and we talk about it . I know it all sounds very egoistic, and I perceive that my real problem is that I desperately need to be loved, and because of that I behave like the best of women so that men fall in love with me more often than not (luckily I’m no great beauty and very awkward socially, or my life would have been a lot more fun!) oh, and of course there’s the dear old gripping fear of death, which accompanies me since I was in kindergarden…
    I know that every way I’m bound to suffer, but I’m prepared for it. What I’m not prepared for is making my two loves suffer.
    Does all this have any meaning at all for you?

    • #149 written by Susan Winter  2 weeks ago

      Hi guest41. You have an open perspective and you’re aware of what you’re doing and why. Better yet, you have a husband who is on the same wave length. Given the agreements and dynamics of your relationship, I agree that it’s best not to say anything. It seems to be a “given” that you have a latitude of freedom and no questions are asked as long as the marriage stays in tact. So, your husband isn’t really the current concern in your “making my two men suffer.” It’s the younger man. And, possibly yourself.

      So, the question is: do you plan on continuing with your younger man? You’ve stated he’s vulnerable. He knows you’re married, so some part of him has negotiated this fact already. Has he stated what he wants? Is it far more than what’s going on now? Have you asked him if he’s still okay with the situation as it is? Is he pushing you to leave your husband? As I don’t have this information, I can only respond to what you’ve shared so far.

      Since you seem invested in your marriage, it could be that the greater part of yourself has already had the “fling” which serves as the exciting adventure you feel you’ve missed out on in your past. You can check that box, and take it off your list. But the emotional seduction of a younger man is his openness and vulnerable. It’s compelling. And I sense you’re entering a dynamic you didn’t bargain for.

      In general I don’t endorse adultery. There are constructs and situations that seem to “allow” for the partner to experience romance outside the marriage (as is yours). So, knowing what you know of your younger man’s emotional state and yours… should you continue? That’s the question only you can answer. The longer you continue, the greater the odds are of hurt. Prepare your mind and assess your level of risk (and his). You need serious dialogue now with your younger man. What should happen next? How would you both like it to be?

      Anyone who’s willing to love can also experience suffering. It comes with the terrain. To eliminate unnecessary pain, talk at length about your next move and your future. You both need to make a plan that works. Think maturely. See the long-range goal for both of you as individuals. If you feel your affair has passed the apex of joy and is now on the down slide to pain, you may want to consider getting out. That’s if he wants you to leave your husband (as it sounds your firm in your marriage). Love also means thinking of the other’s welfare. It can mean making hard decisions you know are right. So, find out exactly where he stands and then reassess all I’ve written above. I hope this helps you, Susan

  • #150 written by guest41  2 weeks ago

    Hi Susan, I’m really grateful to you for your answer, which is incredibly accurate in stating my situation, given the incomplete information I supplied. All you said is true, and exactly what I was thinking.
    This romance has really just started, just a week into it, even though tons of things have already happened. I’m still enjoying all the new (well, at least forgotten) things, like untidy rooms, grunge clothes, eating and sleeping at odd hours, singing and dancing together, the great sex of course, all the little things that make the start of a story memorable. But I already know that it won’t last long, and I think my young man knows it, too, even though he keeps asking to see me, writing romantic messages and proposing to do things in the future with his family and friends. But he still has to establish a path for his life, he’s leaving in five months to go to Australia for a year, and he never questioned my being married. He perceives himself as a loner, and in fact for a guy his age he really had very few stories. He is overwhelmed by my affection (I don’t have kids but I have the instinct of a tiger mom) because he is not used to it and he says he is starting to worry because he feels he likes me too much, but I know this won’t change the course of his life, and I not only accept it, but encourage it. I said to him I will always be his friend and he will always be able to count on me for any kind of help I can give. What kills me is the thought of his being alone, though, he’s lived the worst tragedies in his family and I’d just want him never to be alone, that someone gives him all the love he needs, and of course I realize I cannot be that one.
    I’ll keep seeing him whenever is possible, and as you said, as soon as the peak of our happiness is over I will stop seeing him alone and just be the best of friends I can be for him.
    In the meantime I will make sure I don’t lose touch with my husband, which really is my rock.
    Thank you so much for your time and insight, sometimes one just really needs to hear the truth from someone else.

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