From “Adventure Phase” to “Shared Lives”

I remember the first two weeks I spent with my boyfriend. We were together every minute of every day. I’m not sure how it happened that way… but I do remember the desire was mutual and deliciously intoxicating for both of us. It was like finding a precious gem; the thrill of its discovery, the awe of its undeniable quality, and the astonishment of its value. I’d discovered an incredible human being who’d brilliantly captivated my attention with his creativity, intelligence and sincerity. He was also younger (of course), and possessed a boundless mind and open heart that ignited my thoughts and passion.

And then, it hit me. Hard, suddenly and in full force. Time had somehow evaporated in the excitement of our evolving connection. I’d neglected my writing, altered my personal schedule and rearranged my life in order to discover all that was marvelous about him, and all that we shared. I needed to reassess and group. I needed my balance, and I needed my solitude. To continue ahead in this relationship, I needed to re-integrate this gem into my existing life.

The beginnings of all relationships herald a time of adventure. It is where we combine our private lives with another, and expand our knowledge. Unanticipated interests, formerly not ours, are added to this new equation. What we were as an individual, becomes augmented by what we learn in partnership.

The “Adventure Phase” is filled with discovery. It’s the initial period of timeless togetherness. Errands are blown off, schedules are amended to accommodate our new person, and often friends wonder where we’ve been. It’s normal. It’s all so exciting. We open up our lives and allow another to enter fully. In doing so, many of the daily routines that keep us grounded and secure fall by the wayside. The individuals we were, can quietly fade away in the heady company of our new lover. The goals and aspirations that made us strong and confident, seem pale and uninteresting in contrast to this new person in our life. It’s a seductive journey that entices us into forgetting our established priorities, in the heightened interest of exploring partnership with another person.

Left unattended and unacknowledged, what made us exciting to others (and interested in our own lives), slowly becomes the duty of the “other” to fulfill. In losing sight of our own goals, we unconsciously seek to import the attention and adoration of our new love to fill the attending vacancy. This is the wall many find themselves hitting, suddenly and abruptly. Or it comes as the gnawing reminder we’ve put our personal lives on the back-burner. Even though we are challenged to remain intact while in a budding partnership, there is no going forward together, if we lose ourselves in the process.

When a “couple” is formed, the adventure stage isn’t over. It’s still in process. But the formation of partnership cannot be attained unless this private dimension is acknowledged and integrated. It is the continuation of a personal life, that actually allows entry into that of “Shared Lives.” This is the part many people fail to recognize, and in doing so, never gain the shared life they seek. Getting to shared lives, differs from the adventure phase of blissful attention and endless nights of lovemaking. It demands the individual be fully attentive to their own needs, while mindful of their partner’s needs as well.

In order to see if we can truly function as a couple, there is a need to recover any fragments of the individual life that may have slipped away. To a greater or lesser degree, this is part and parcel of the transit to love. Love is created in the process of merging with our partner, as we discover our heightened identity in partnership. It is the great convergence— maintaining our balance, while retaining our unity. This is the balancing act all couples encounter.

The answer for some is to rid themselves of the relationship. Seemingly easier in some ways, the imbalance will simply happen again, with a new partner. The better choice is to reassess and regroup. Couples must remain individuals, while together. Amended schedules that seek to fit the individual and couple needs, balanced with private time and together time is the answer. Working together in this process allows the personal identity to be secure, while the couple identity is formed.

Thankfully, life always gives us the opportunity to learn, and re-calibrate. Without this opportunity to readjust, many of us would not be able to bring forth the highest part of ourselves, and to share our love with others while loving ourselves in the process. Relationships can be an incredible vehicle for self discovery, while at the same time be a vessel for shared joy and on-going contentment.