Unprocessed Baggage

I ended a three year relationship with a man who had “unchecked baggage.” By that I mean, he was completely unconscious of his own “stuff.” He was also incredibly loving and supportive. He treated me wonderfully, and I feel grateful for the love we shared and all that he gave me.

When we hit a bump in the relationship road, he became over-reactive. This sweet loving man would morph into rage. Worse yet, he didn’t want to know what was underneath his heightened reactivity. He had a vague idea that it was based in fear, but that was the end of it. As long as nothing happened again to bring it up, the monster would stay inside the cave.

But life has its own agenda. Stuff happens. Fears come up. I couldn’t begin to discuss any of this with him because it was “not allowed.” Discussing my issues/reactions was okay, but his, even when glaringly present and obstructing our forward movement, was off-limits. Even my existing status as a “relationship expert” couldn’t help me in this case. I sadly discovered what I had long told others… that I could only go the level of consciousness, of my partner. We needed mutual dialogue and mutual responsibility to make our relationship work. Yes, I had a great guy who was not too terribly laden with heavy baggage. But because his baggage was left unchecked, (and there was no willingness/openness on his part, for self-discovery), it was too heavy for both of us.

While it’s true that the type of baggage must be workable for both partners, it’s also true that both partners must be willing to work on their own baggage. Baggage isn’t just a label for other people’s challenges. It’s also a label for the personal challenges we carry into a relationship. One partner cannot do all the work. Both are required to do their own inner work, while contributing to the on-going effort of maintaining connection. So, baggage is a truly two-sided issue. We must attend to our life, and clean up as much as we can on our side of the street. It’s always an inside job. Relationships are ultimately us, meeting ourselves through another.