11 Signs You’re Still Not Over Your Ex | Redbook Magazine interview

By Tehrene Firman

Redbook Magazine interviews NYC relationship expert Susan Winter on the 11 signs you’re still not over your ex (and haven’t moved on).

The process of breaking up isn’t easy, and the feelings that come afterward are hard to shake. These relationship experts make it clear whether you’ve moved on or still have some healing to do.

YOU THINK YOU CAN STILL BE FRIENDS — OR FRIENDS WITH BENEFITS

“I find that most singles are kidding themselves when they say they want to be friends or continue sleeping with their ex — if they’re really trying to move on, that is. Being friendly and wishing each other well is great. And of course being friends is a good idea in theory, but it makes it hard to move on emotionally if you’re still consistently calling that person, seeing them in person, and connecting with them physically. It’s often wise to take some time to grieve, experience the loss, and allow yourself to reprioritize your time and whom you’ll now turn to.” —Dr. Paulette Sherman, psychologist, author of Dating from the Inside Outand director of My Dating & Relationship School

YOU HAVEN’T CRIED YET

“If you haven’t cried about your ex yet, then you haven’t fully processed the loss — you might be in denial or keeping yourself busy instead. And that’s OK! Just know that tears often help you move on, so when the tears come, let them roll.”—Lindsay Chrisler, love coach

YOU THINK YOU’LL GET BACK TOGETHER

“Even though he broke up with you, you can’t accept it and are rewriting reality. Unless you’re psychic, you can’t know the future, so it’s best to live in the present where now he’s your ex. This is a sign that you need to accept the change, grieve, and begin to move on in different ways.” —Sherman

YOU COMPARE YOUR CURRENT RELATIONSHIP TO THE ONE YOU HAD WITH YOUR EX

“When you compare your current relationship to your ex, you lock yourself into the One-and-Only-Myth where no one’s going to kiss you or understand you like your ex or be as supportive as your ex. You start to make every new guy fail because you’re holding this image of your ex on a pedestal.” —Susan Winter, New York City-based relationship expert and dating coach

YOU DREAM ABOUT THEM OFTEN

“Sometimes we think we’re over the person, but our subconscious says otherwise and reveals itself in our dreams. I believe we can work things out in our dreams while we sleep for our own well-being, so that’s actually good news if you’re dreaming about them! It means you’re still working on being OK. So don’t freak out. Keep dreaming. Write down the dreams. Process them. And when you’re truly complete, the dreams about your ex will become more sporadic.” —Chrisler

YOU NEVER GOT CLOSURE

“Not getting closure is especially common in more casual relationships. Because it was never categorized in the first place, then it ends and no one understands what’s happening. Those loose ends start to accumulate like emotional damage. It clogs the whole machinery of how you function.” —Winter

YOU TALK ABOUT THEM A LOT

“It takes time to get over someone, so it’s totally natural to continue to talk through your experience of your ex. After a while, if you can’t stop talking about your ex with your friends, you might want to consider working with a coach or therapist to process the emotions and feelings that are keeping you hooked on this person.” —Chrisler

YOUR HOUSE IS STILL A SHRINE TO YOUR RELATIONSHIP

“If you still wear his clothes, have pictures of him everywhere, and display his gifts to you, it’s time to do a relationship feng shui or detox. If you’re surrounded by the past, it’ll be harder to fully engage in the present reality and to move on.” —Sherman

YOU HAVEN’T FELT GRATEFUL FOR YOUR EX YET

“Every experience has a lesson — especially a love life experience. No matter who your ex is or how heartbreaking your breakup was, if you haven’t found the lessons and the gratitude, the experience is not complete. Don’t force this too soon, though. Usually it takes a couple years to get there or a new relationship to show you how much you’ve grown. If you’re holding onto anger, resentment, or fear and you can’t get grateful, it’s a solid sign you’re not over your ex.” —Chrisler

YOU TEXT AND CALL HIM CONSTANTLY

“You call and text him constantly, and you’re alwaystrying to find reasons to do so. Sometimes they’re real stretches, like picking up your mail instead of forwarding it or asking him to fix something in your house. You’re still treating him like a boyfriend and your go-to person even though he’s not. Put some new people on speed dial — like your mom and best friend — and try not to reach out. It will get easier in time.” —Sherman

YOU STALK THEIR SOCIAL MEDIA

“If you’re checking their social media profiles more than once every few weeks, you’re not over them. I always recommend people do a 30-day challenge of no checking their social media site. If you can’t do that, go off of social media altogether. Make sure you let your friends know that you don’t want to hear anything about what they see either!” —Chrisler

http://www.redbookmag.com/love-sex/relationships/g4450/how-to-get-over-a-break-up/?slide=11