You’re ready to meet someone special. You’ve done all the preliminary work required to set yourself up for success. You’ve gotten clear on the qualities you need in a partner and know the type of relationship you want.

What’s the next step to take for romance to happen?

You must be accessible.

Unless you want to date the pizza delivery guy or the female UPS employee, leaving the house is a necessity. Even if you’re an avid online dater all your at-home swiping requires an in-person meeting.

Dating is a numbers game for one reason only: The more people you meet, the more acute your focus.

Each time you go out with someone new, you’re automatically racking up information on your preferences. And, dating by the numbers makes you more comfortable with the “meet and greet” process.

No matter what style of dating you like, from a casual coffee date with low expectations to a formal dinner, each and every outing clarifies the qualities needed in your preferred partner.

I have a friend, now engaged, who dated voraciously. She had a basic outline of what she wanted. With that, she participated in numerous online sites and had several new dates a week. She approached dating like a second job.

After 6 months she’d racked up a couple of interludes, disappointments and a lot more information. on her preferences. But she was getting tired and frustrated.  She belabored one point. What type of man was best suited to her? Personality Type A, or Type B?

She’d had two long-term relationships with both types of men.

  • The Type A male had power and his own financial resources, but little time to spend with her.
  • The Type B guy had time, but their togetherness mostly centered around taking care of him financially and otherwise.

She’d lost valuable time in her own career, managing Mr. Type B’s life. Yet, with Mr. Type A the endless nights alone couldn’t be soothed by a gorgeous home and gardens. My friend was clear on partnership, but skewed on this point.

The real problem? She’d been looking at an “EITHER/OR” scenario.

By sending out opposing messages, she was caught in a holding pattern.

I suggested she allow for the possibility of both qualities to exist in one mate. This was a radical concept for her.

Though my friend was known to be a “big thinker” in her career life, she’d never transferred this ability to her dating life.

Instead of the limited version of an either/or scenario, I asked my friend to indulge in the concept of morphing these two qualities, together. A man who was financially stable, yet free to spend time with her.

Did such a man exist in the real world? And if so, would he want her? He could never show up unless she put her two requests together and begin allowing for that possibility to exist.

Stunningly, the moment she got on board with this line of thinking, her ‘dream partner’ showed up. 

She met her ideal man when she was “off duty.” After months of frenzied dating, her friends coerced her into going out for fun. That’s when she met her fiance. Not planned, and in this case, with no apparent effort on her part.

The mental effort she’d applied took root. She was already open to meeting new people. She amended her limited version of a partner began imagining what she really wanted. The moment she was clear, her partner showed up.

Dating by the numbers is misunderstood. It isn’t about going out every night. It isn’t about looking. It isn’t about hunting. At its core, it’s about clarity.

Clarity is gained via contrast. With each new interaction we begin to refine the qualities we must have from those that are negotiable. Dating allows us to see the many variations of these qualities in each new person we meet.

The numbers game is a vehicle that shows us what we really want. This is what enables us to recognize our true mate when we meet them.