Have you ever said something along the lines of, “I’m trying to go on at least one date a week. Let’s go out and meet people!!” to your friends? How about, “Ugh, I’m so sick of dating, I’m taking a break?” If you answered no to these questions, you’re either in a very, very long-term relationship or you’ve already figured out the key to dating (in which case, call me). Both of those statements are totally normal human thoughts. But, there is an easier (and lazier ????) way to date.

It Starts With Trying Not to Try

“There’s trying from desperation, and we know that doesn’t feel good,” says relationship expert and author Susan Winter. “For any of us in the professional world, we have been taught diligence, effort, and application. But, [when we translate that to dating], what happens is that we can over-try to the degree that we actually begin to feel disillusioned.” The magic happens when we’re not struggling so hard.

Your Mind is Your Best Wingman When it Comes to Dating

This requires letting your mind do the hard dating work for you. Our minds remember what we want, according to Winter. “We think we have to keep trying to manifest and create [what we want],” she says. “But the mind is smart and it [already] knows what you want. In your day-to-day, these filters are already in place, and they’re working on your behalf,” she says. Your task is to internally clarify what you want, in general, then show up to the date relaxed and trusting that you don’t have to do any work to figure out if the person you’re out with is what or who you want. Your job is to be on time, listen, and have a good time. This will — fingers crossed — take a little bit of the pressure off.

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