Don’t Wait

According to Winter, timing is everything. Specifically, closure letters should be sent within two weeks of the breakup or not at all. “If you choose to send a closure letter, do it as soon as possible after the breakup,” she says. “If weeks and months have passed since the breakup and you’re still obsessing over your ex, don’t send the letter.” Sending a closure letter after a huge chunk of time has passed will make you appear weak, needy, and insecure to your ex, says Winter, which is the opposite of how you want to come off. That said, if lots of time has passed, you can still write the letter—just don’t send it.

When you sit down to write, it’s important that you’re in the right state of mind. For example, if you’re feeling emboldened after a few glasses of wine or hyper-emotional after a hard day at the office, this may not be the best time to approach a writing exercise pertaining to your love life. Instead, find a time when you feel level-headed, can think about your past relationship in a rational and objective way, and can truly focus your thoughts without any interruptions or distractions. If you write a scathing message to your ex and hit send without thinking, you’re going to regret it, and it will be even harder to find closure and move on.

Focus on Yourself

When writing a letter to your ex, the focus should be on yourself and how you feel. Rather than pointing out all their faults or blaming them for what went wrong in the relationship, it’s better to look internally. “The therapeutic benefits of writing a closure letter to your ex is mostly for you, the person who needs to create the closure,” says Winter. “Don’t prolong the agony of re-stating the obvious. Summarizing the experience with your own narrative allows you to speak your peace.” You can use this letter as a way to share some insight into your own actions and reactions and explain why you felt the way you did at certain points in your relationship.”