How should you tell your partner you cheated? Is there a best way? If so, where, and when? And is it right to do so? My interview with MSN.com explains the realities of this admission and the consequences: #cheating
By Chelsea Ritschel
Chelsea writes, “There are countless reasons that people cheat in a relationship – but what are you supposed to do when the affair is over and you still want to be with your partner?
According to one divisive article, you should always keep the secret of your infidelity to yourself – as telling your partner can only cause harm.
“You’re the one sitting with the guilt, and if [the affair] is over and done, you absolutely don’t want to then put that on your partner,” Megan Fleming, PhD, a marriage counsellor and sex therapist in New York City told Refinery29.
Rather than sharing the hurt, Dr Fleming suggests focusing on yourself and identifying the reason behind the affair.
“Obviously on some level your relationship was feeling challenged,” she explained.
While it does make sense to protect a partner from unnecessary pain, especially if the affair is completely over, it also means keeping a major secret, and readers were left divided.
According to best-selling author and New York City relationship expert Susan Winter, who spoke with The Independent, there are times to keep the secret – and times to come clean.
“The truth is that relieving one’s guilt comes at the direct expense of their mate,” Winter told us. “While honesty is indeed the hallmark of true intimacy, there are times when unburdening yourself results in cruel and unnecessary information that then burdens your mate.”
According to Winter, deciding whether to tell your partner may ultimately come down to the type of infidelity it was.
If it was a “one-off,” possibly fuelled by alcohol, Winter suggests refraining from telling your partner – as it will only hurt them.
“If so, think twice before revealing an interlude you can barely remember the next day,” she advised. “This confession can only create harm, not good. Commit to moderation and learn your limits of indulgence.”
But it may be a different case if you were having an affair.
When the infidelity was actually a decision made on numerous occasions, it becomes a “more potent confession,” according to Winter.
“This was a choice made repeatedly that diverted your love and sexual expression away from your partner,” she explained – and it indicates “a problem exists within the relationship, or within yourself.”
In this situation, Winter recommends entering therapy before confessing to the affair – as it can first teach you the correct ways to “express your personal needs within the relationship, and address the issues that are out of balance.””
