By Dr. Gary Lewandowski

What are the 10 secrets to lasting love? My interview in Psychology Today explains the filtering process that leads to successful partner selection. #lastinglove #partnerselection #findinglove @LewandowskiPhD

Gary writes,

KEY POINTS

  • Be intentional by reflecting on who you are and what you want. Identify the patterns and behaviors that have been holding you back.
  • Your goal isn’t to mold someone into your long-term partner — it’s to be in a loving relationship.
  • Only date those who have your values and goals and want to share them with you.

When it comes to relationships, people have lots of questions. But there’s one question I get more often than all the others. People word it differently, but it’s always some version of “How do I find the love of my life?”

It’s a great question because it’s an important one. Having that special person will surely enhance your life, but that person can be difficult to find. It’s not your fault.

If lasting love was easy to find, we all would have found our forever partner by now. The fact is, it’s anything but easy. It’s complicated.

To simplify it, I gathered an all-star group of top relationship experts such as dating coaches, authors, radio and podcast hosts, marriage and family therapists, and science advisors, including experts from Match.com, OkCupid, Coffee Meets Bagel, and Hinge. I asked everyone the million-dollar relationship question: “What’s the secret to finding lasting love?”

In other words, what do people need to do to find not just any partner but the right partner for them? Here are their insights:

The Expert Advice

Susan Winter: Bestselling Author of Breakup Triage and Allowing Magnificence

1. Become a Good “Filterer”. In order to find lasting love, we need to be mindful of our partner selection process. This begins by filtering out the type of people who do not share our romantic goals and value system. Get clear on what you want to experience within your partnership. That knowledge will assist you in qualifying those who are prospective partners (and a good match). Choose to date only those who ‘want what you want and want that with you.’

Dr. Helen Fisher: Biological Anthropologist, Chief Science Advisor to Match.com

2. Sustain All Three Basic Mating Drives. Pick someone you can trust and confide in; who respects you; whom you find physically attractive; who makes you laugh; whom you find interesting to talk to; and who will be a good parent to your children. Then during the relationship: express empathy; control your emotions; and focus on the positive aspects of him or her. You might also sustain all three basic mating drives: Have sex regularly; do novel things together to sustain romance; and stay in touch, (kissing, holding hands, hugging, etc.), to drive up the chemicals of attachment. Last, have fun together. People who play together, stay together.

Dr. Gary Lewandowski: Author of Stronger Than You Think: The 10 Blind Spots That Undermine Your Relationship…and How to See Past Them

3. What Gets You Together Isn’t What Keeps You Together. The strategies that help you attract a partner aren’t the same ones that support a fulfilling long-term relationship. When dating it’s easy to focus on “Do they like me?” But for long-term success, the better question is “Are they good for me?” For lasting love, emphasize friendship, connection, and compatibility. Don’t get distracted by superficial physical qualities. When finding a partner we emphasize excitement, but lasting love is more about comfort, stability, and security.

 

Continue Reading: https://www.psychologytoday.com/us/blog/the-psychology-of-relationships/202302/10-secrets-for-lasting-love-from-relationship-experts