By Karen Finn

Divorced and back on the dating scene? My video feature in Your Tango shows you how to avoid men who specifically target newly divorced women for manipulative reasons.

Freshly broken-up women can be easy marks for manipulators, but not if you know what to expect.

Karen writes, “The prospect of dating after a bad breakup is usually exciting for women but also pretty terrifying … and for good reason. When you’re a woman back on the dating scene after being in a relationship for a long time, you’re an easy target for players and manipulators.

I remember feeling that same thrill about dating right after my divorce … at least, initially.

I married at 19. When I divorced after 18 years of marriage, I was unprepared for dating. I assumed it would be fun and innocent like dating was in high school.

Boy, was I wrong!

Here’s why some men target women who are fresh from a bad breakup & how to avoid falling for them.

1. You’re lonely and a little naive.

When you are fresh out of a relationship, you feel a profound lack of love. You experience loneliness at a level you’ve never felt before.

A manipulator can use this against you. You believe them when they say they want to spend time with you or love you. You’ll believe just about anything to keep your loneliness at bay. Since you’re not a user yourself, it’s hard for you to imagine other people behave that way deliberately. It reminds me of how I fell for a user.

Three months after my divorce, I “fell in love.” He seemed to know me so well. It seemed like we’d known each other forever, and I was eager to express my love for him. I won’t lie — I had a lot of fun doing it!

Then, things changed. When my life got complicated I needed emotional support, and he disappeared. I naively kept reaching out to him while thinking he must be going through a tough time too. After all, he told me he loved me, so I couldn’t imagine he would vanish.

When I finally understood it was over, I was devastated.

I thought I was rebuilding my life with someone new, and I was doing well, but the truth is — he was using me.

Unfortunately, my story isn’t unique.

The solution? Be prepared for certain men to target you, specifically. Watch for the signs that he’s jumping in too fast, love-bombing or playing to all your “pain points” to draw you closer. These are not signs of a healthy relationship!

 

2. You’re not sure what you want.

The whole world of dating is intoxicating after a bad breakup. You want to experience it all and reclaim (or maybe even claim for the first time) your power.

After ending a long-term relationship, you’re inexperienced, especially if you married the first person you were intimate with. You’re naive about what the modern dating world is really like. You’re entirely out of practice fully expressing your likes and dislikes.

Your lack of knowledge and experience makes you look like an innocent kitten to the lions and bears of the dating world.

A woman I know told me the first guy she got involved with after her divorce said to her: “Wow, you’re like every guy’s fantasy. Like a little innocent kitten just set down in the jungle. I hope the lions or bears don’t eat you alive.”

Another guy she dated came back to her, months after she stopped answering his calls, to apologize and admit he had knowingly taken advantage of her the whole time they’d been together.

And being used isn’t unique to newly divorced women. Men get used, too. Several women I know only went out with men because they liked the expensive meals and gifts the men showered upon them. But as soon as someone else came along, someone willing to spend more money or was better looking or even better in bed, those women immediately dumped the men they’d been seeing.

The solution? Even if you don’t know what you want long-term, you can establish what you want for the short-term. What would be healthy and desirable for three months? How about for the next year? Write these things out and share with a trusted friend or confidant. Having a plan in place gives you confidence, and users can sense that you are less likely to be taken for a ride.”

Continue reading the full article on Your Tango.