By Yoko Nicole
Family responsibility is deeply ingrained in many Southeast Asian cultures. But denying a son to live with his wife is extreme. My feature in The Independent Singapore shares how to navigate the divide between familial responsibility and responsibility to one’s spouse.
Unlike in the West, where independence is prized, these societies emphasize collectivism—where a child’s duty to their parents lasts a lifetime. Respect isn’t just about obedience; it includes financial support, co-residence, and making life choices that align with family expectations. Filial piety, influenced by Confucian values, reinforces this obligation.
For the young man in the article, choosing to live with his wife isn’t just a lifestyle change—it’s seen as a rejection of his duty. His parents likely sacrificed for his success and now expect him to reciprocate. In many Southeast Asian families, marriage is an extension of family, not an independent unit. Prioritizing a spouse over parents can be viewed as selfish, even dishonorable.
This cultural divide creates tension, as younger generations navigate the pull between tradition and modern individualism.
Yoko writes, “A man took to Reddit to ask Singaporeans if it would be “selfish of him” to leave his family, as they despise his girlfriend and refuse to let him move out even after marriage.Posting on Reddit’s ‘Singapore Raw’ forum, the man shared that before his girlfriend entered the picture, he had a good relationship with his family. He and his mother, who works as a hairdresser, had worked hand in hand to support the entire family, as his father had a disability that prevented him from taking on any jobs.
He worked tirelessly to support his family, co-purchasing a flat with his mother and covering all expenses to provide them with more space. Despite long hours, he always made time to take them out for meals.However, when he entered a relationship, tensions arose. His family resented his girlfriend, believing he was neglecting them when he spent time with her. Even as she tried to include them in outings, their hostility remained, seeing her as someone who was taking him away from them.
He was willing to leave the flat to his family, and buy anew with his fiancee.
He said, “My mum insists that I must still stay with her even after I get married… My younger sister is also not helping by saying I’m not filial if I leave them alone… And keep in mind since I graduated, I have paid for EVERYTHING,” he continued.
Is your family’s approval essential?
Family approval can feel like a big deal when it comes to your love life. If your family disapproves of your partner, it can create tension and stress, especially if their opinions matter to you. But do you really need their approval to have a happy relationship?
Relationship expert Susan Winter says that while family support can be helpful, it is not essential for a successful relationship. As an adult, you have the freedom and responsibility to make your own choices regarding who you want to be with and how you want to live your life.
If their concerns are about serious issues, like how your partner treats you, it may be worth listening to their perspective. But if their objections are based on personal preferences, biases, or superficial reasons, then their disapproval should not dictate your happiness.
Winter also highlights that if your family refuses to accept your partner, they may ultimately be the ones missing out. “They’ll see less of you, as the burden is on them to awaken to the value of your romantic choice,” Winter shared with Elite Daily.”
