‘Submarining,’ the latest toxic dating trend, creates confusion and mixed messages. My feature in Women shares its telltale signs and shows you how to handle this painful dating experience.
Navigating the modern dating world remains a challenge, with toxic trends like ghosting and future faking still alive and well. One such trend, submarining, involves someone who disappears from your life only to resurface repeatedly, often reigniting contact after long periods of silence. Unlike haunting, where an ex lingers by engaging with your social media, submarining takes it a step further by directly reaching out, making it all the more confusing and frustrating to deal with.
Amanda writes, “Getting to the bottom of why anyone would engage in submarining requires some help, so Women exclusively spoke to relationship expert and bestselling author of “Breakup Triage: The Cure for Heartache,” Susan Winter, to get to a better understanding of the trend. It’s one you want on your radar, because it’s actually quite common.
Reasons why someone might submarine you
“‘Submarining’ is born of boredom and/or curiosity,” Winter tells Women. “Boredom is the most egregious of the two reasons for popping back into an ex’s life. The individual who resurfaces to someone they’ve formally discarded is there purely for the entertainment factor.” According to Winter, if it’s boredom, then there’s a game involved. The person has come back to see how you’ll respond or if they still have any power. “It’s a mind game and its effect can be devastating for the recipient of this sudden, unexpected attention,” says Winter.
Curiosity, on the other hand, isn’t about playing with your emotions. It’s about them second-guessing why they may have ghosted you. “Curiosity creates the impression of hope, which promotes mixed messages,” says Winter. “Submarining driven by curiosity can also be a check-in as to the availability of the ex.” It could be that they didn’t find anyone new like they assumed they would, so they’re wondering if they can get back together with you.
How should you handle someone who’s submarining you
“Remember the totality of their actions,” says Winter. “If they discarded you once, why would you imagine they’ve suddenly ‘come to their senses?’ This is, unfortunately, the romantic hope that lives within many individuals who get caught up in the submarining loop.” Depending on your experience with this person and how long you dated, it may not be easy to turn your back on their resurfacing, but you need to put yourself first.
Is it ever okay to give a submariner a second chance?
“If the apparent ‘issue’ no longer exists, you might reconsider a period of careful observation and interaction,” says Winter. “Hold off on the physical connection because that will cloud your thinking. Instead, meet in public places or chat on the phone. Communicate all your reservations. Get concrete answers that fully satisfy your questions.” If anything they say or do doesn’t add up or makes you question their commitment to round two, then let that submarine sink to the bottom of the ocean where it belongs.
Read More: https://www.women.com/1661378/guide-toxic-submarining-dating-trend/
