Relationships can be magical but also take work, from resolving conflicts to navigating tough conversations. My interview with NPR Life Kit shares my insights on love, and how to know when it’s time to break up. #NPR #NPRLifeKit #LoveAdvice
Many people assume that an instant spark is necessary for a lasting relationship, but research and experience suggest otherwise. Attraction isn’t always immediate—studies show that only 11% of people experience love at first sight, meaning connection and chemistry can develop over time. Not all sparks are meaningful, as some individuals naturally exude charm and create a spark with almost everyone. In some cases, this charisma can stem from personality traits like narcissism, making the spark more about their nature than a genuine connection. Feeling an intense spark at the beginning of a relationship doesn’t guarantee it will last, as many divorced couples recall strong initial chemistry that ultimately didn’t sustain the relationship.
Journalist Malaka Gharib writes, “Being in a relationship can be magical — but it can also be hard work. There are conflicts to resolve, tough conversations to be had and tribulations to overcome.
Whether you’ve just started dating or are decades into a marriage, Life Kit’s sex and relationship experts offer surprising and useful advice about love and romance. That includes how to know whether you’ve found “the one,” how to tell your partner you’re not happy with your sex life and what to do if a partner cheats.
These responses have been edited for length and clarity.”
A simple sign you’ve found ‘the one’
“You want someone who celebrates your successes with you. So if something great happens and your partner is like, ‘let me treat you to dinner,’ that’s a great sign. You just want someone who makes a big deal out of things that are important to you.”
—Mandy Len Catron in the episode “What makes a good partner.” She is the author of the essay collection How to Fall in Love with Anyone and the viral 2015 New York Times article “To Fall in Love With Anyone, Do This.”
How to know when it’s time to break up
“If you find you’re at the point that you have such deep resentments — there have been betrayals, dishonesty, ongoing bickering and a lack of conflict resolution that no matter what you do, cannot fix — it’s at that point that you will begin to consider separating.”
—Susan Winter in the episode “The art of breaking up.” She’s a New York-based relationship expert and author of the book Breakup Triage: The Cure for Heartbreak.
How to resolve conflict while preserving your relationship
“The masters of relationships, the ones who stay together happily, have a ratio of five times as much positive emotion as negative emotion in a conflict. By just expressing interest in the discussion, nodding their heads, vocalizing, saying ‘tell me more,’ making eye contact — that lubricates the wheels of communication.
Whereas when there’s a standoff, people don’t express any affection. There’s very little humor. They’re stone walls, just standing there as opposed to trying to reach mutual understanding.”
—John Gottman in the episode “How successful couples handle conflict.” He is a relationship researcher and clinical psychologist and the coauthor of Fight Right: How Successful Couples Turn Conflict into Connection.
