By Sara Hendricks

Was Arie’s behavior abusive? Susan Winter, a relationship expert and best-selling author, thinks that the breakup scene between Arie and Becca is representative of issues she sees in modern dating culture. “Arie seemed caught between guilt and wanting to make himself feel better, which gave everything he said a subtext of  ‘I should act like I care about this’

[more than any genuine emotion],” Winter told INSIDER.

  • The season finale of “The Bachelor” showed a controversial scene in which Arie Luyendyk, Jr. broke up with Becca Kufrin— the woman he originally proposed to in order to get back together with the runner-up.
  • Some fans are calling Arie’s behavior during the breakup “abusive.”
  • INSIDER spoke to relationship experts to find out how to define Arie’s behavior during the finale.

On last night’s season finale of “The Bachelor,” fans of the show were stunned to witness one of the most dramatic moments in the franchise’s history. Bachelor Arie Luyendyk, Jr. initially proposed to Becca Kufrin, but changed his mind a few weeks later and broke up with her on camera in order to get back together with the runner-up, Lauren Burnham.

This episode, understandably, prompted a strong reaction from viewers. Some fans sent Becca money on Venmo to help her cope with the aftermath of her breakup, while others questioned ABC’s decision to air footage of the breakup in the first place:

The person who is receiving the most scrutiny, however, is Arie, who “Bachelor” fans and former contestants alike have taken to eviscerating all over social media. A few people on Reddit and Twitter have even called Arie’s behavior “abusive.”

INSIDER spoke with some dating and relationship experts to find out how, exactly, Arie’s behavior should be defined.

Arie’s behavior doesn’t exactly fit the definition of abuse, but it could predict a problematic pattern, according to experts.

The way Arie handled his breakup with Becca certainly isn’t commendable, but referring to it as “abuse” may not be entirely accurate, either.

“Abuse is when someone treats someone else badly over and over,”April Masini, a dating and etiquette expert, told INSIDER. “The abuse is behavior that allows the abuser to feel in control and powerful and there is a disregard for the feelings of the abused. Abusers look for victims so they can behave in familiar ways with familiar outcomes.”

Based on that criteria, it is difficult to say for sure whether the behavior Arie exhibited in one television scene should be considered traits of an abuser. It’s also impossible to know what his intentions were.

“We don’t really know enough about Arie to call what he’s done abuse,” Masini told INSIDER. “He could have made a bad decision. He could have been looking at a bigger picture, beyond breaking hearts — which is making drama. Many people go on reality television to become stars. He’s getting his 15 minutes, and he may be looking to leverage it into more.”

Masini thinks that some of the blame belongs to the entire setup of “The Bachelor” franchise.

“People change their minds and when they’re forced to make decisions on a time clock that isn’t theirs, it’s a lot easier to make mistakes and want to flip-flop,” she said. “In fact, I wouldn’t be surprised if there is another flip-flop on his part. He’s under the pressure of the spotlight — literally. So, no — this isn’t abuse. It’s a bad decision.”

This scene, which contained a lot of mixed messages, reinforces the confusion of modern dating.

Susan Winter, a relationship expert and best-selling author, thinks that the breakup scene between Arie and Becca is representative of issues she sees in modern dating culture.

“Arie seemed caught between guilt and wanting to make himself feel better, which gave everything he said a subtext of ‘I should act like I care about this’ [more than any genuine emotion],” Winter told INSIDER. “My clients are always hurt more due to mixed messages than a clean cut. This breakup was not a clean cut. So, I see this as a magnified version of the chaos in regular dating, and it reinforces the confusion of modern dating.”

Arie appeared to place his desire for closure over Becca’s need for boundaries.

One thing most viewers agree on is that Arie didn’t leave when Becca told him to and therefore didn’t heed Becca’s boundaries in the way that he should have.

Dr. Paulette Sherman, an NYC-based psychologist and author of “Dating From The Inside Out,” told INSIDER that “some people might want closure and to talk things through, [but] people deal with pain differently and some may want time and space to deal with things. If a partner asks you to leave them alone after a breakup or a painful incident, it is good to respect their boundaries.”

So, Arie and Becca’s relationship wasn’t meant to be. But if you’re a fan of the “Bachelor” franchise, you’re probably about to see a lot more of Becca. According to Reality Steve, she is all but set to be the next Bachelorette.

 

http://www.thisisinsider.com/the-bachelor-arie-luyendyk-jr-becca-k-breakup-abusive-experts-2018-3